More Hidden Thoughts From Series 3

by Theodora McKee


3.1 – A Child is Born

Assumpta - Miracles, sweating statues. This kind of idiocy brings out all my anti-Catholic prejudices. I'm not an atheist, but this mumbo-jumbo is beyond belief! I was really nasty to Peter, attacking his very faith, his vocation, by suggesting that what he did during Mass was just as idiotic and unbelievable. I tried to apologize, but I think this time I went too far. I never mean to insult or hurt him, but I seem to manage it all the same. Religion. I wonder if I would have been happier as a Jew. I think Judaism requires less suspension of disbelief.

Peter - This whole thing has shaken me to the core. I'm a Catholic priest, but what exactly do I believe in? The possibility of miracles? I'm not sure.  Well, yeah, certainly some of the historical ones. But this "sweating" statue? No! Do I believe that people are simple, gullible….or stupid? Do I believe that venal people – Liam, Donal, as well as  the Church….well, Father Mac….will prey on that gullibility, that innocence? I meant it when I said to Assumpta that I'm not sure what
I believe in anymore!

3.2 – Changing Times

Assumpta - Oh God, is this what a broken heart feels like? I am cold all over, especially in the pit of my stomach. I am shaking, and I can't control the tears that keep coming. Did I start all this? Did I lead him on, that night in Kilnashee? But I wasn't misreading him. I saw the torment, the confusion, the tenderness with which he took my hand. Well, there certainly wasn't any confusion this time. He's going on retreat, to become the best priest he can be. He spoke so coldly, with such certainty. And what am I supposed to do with my uncertainty?  "That is it"?

Peter - I don't know what to think. I've been feeling unnecessary here, irrelevant to people's real needs. Oh, they like me well enough, but it's becoming clear to me that I am really not needed. Father Mac said that it's my feelings for Assumpta that are causing me to be dissatisfied with the priesthood, and implied that it was common knowledge. Not good for the community! Nor the priest. What do I feel for her? She makes me aware of feeling lonely, longing for something more. What? I suppose it's a good idea, to go on retreat, to shore up my faith in my vocation. To see if I can settle my confusion, my uncertainty. I told her "that is it". Is it?

3.5 – I Know When I'm Not Wanted

Assumpta - What have I done? When I ran away to London, I was hurting so much. I needed to hear someone say he loved me, wanted me. So when Leo asked me again, I said yes. Married him, thinking now I could go home, face Father Clifford, the good priest. I'd be all right, protected. But as soon as I saw him, I knew I wasn't safe at all. He looked like a deer caught in the headlights. When I tried to act the married woman, nothing more than a friend, I felt as if I stabbed him in the heart. Worse still, when that girl from Cildargan sang, I could see Peter's misery. My misery too. The words echoed in my head, "Forgive me, love, if I forsook you; I was mistaken…" I was mistaken! Leo keeps making jokes about living in the country, and he ran off to cover a story and wasn't back for the tournament quiz. So I can be righteously angry with him, make sure he comes back to a locked door. He's not going to be in my bed tonight.

Peter - What have I done? Did I send her off to marry Leo? She married Leo. I cannot bear it. What did I expect her to do, wait around the village and never marry anyone? Words, innocent words, are like knives in my heart. Love, marriage. I have no home either, and can't bring myself to stay at Fitzgerald's. How could I be there, how could I bear seeing Assumpta and Leo together? I thought I had a room at the Egan's, but Brian needed it more, and when I walked out of their place, I saw what I'd been brought to. Leo drove up, and I hid in the doorway. Hid! And watched him go in, knowing he was going to her bed.

3.6 – Personal Call

Assumpta -  I can't seem to get myself focused on this marriage. I don't think Leo is happy….and I know that I'm not. What a mistake it was, to think I could get Peter out of my head by marrying Leo. I've hurt them both and myself as well. I've been trying to distract myself by starting a woman's group, but no one seems interested. I mean, it's in their own interest, isn't it, to think about the economic injustices to women in rural Ireland? Peter said I put ideas in people's heads and I don't think he meant the women's group. He looked so knackered, so miserable. I wanted to put my arms around him, to comfort him somehow, but I know that would make it worse. Hey, he was the one who told me it was over, whatever "it" was, between us. But I know it isn't true. It isn't over. I think he loves me. And, in my heart of hearts, I know I….I can't think about that. I won't. I married Leo. But I never told him I loved him. I can't.

Peter -  I am exhausted. I've got tourists in my house, I'm sleeping in the sacristy, which made Father Mac so angry that he seemed to have a heart attack, I'm doing his work as well as my own…..and all I can think of is Assumpta. I pray endlessly to put her out of my mind. She's a married woman! Which is what is destroying my soul, thinking of her with Leo, having to see them together. Why did I think I could live without her? How did I think I could? I didn't know I could sink to such misery. Where is my faith? Why can't I draw on reserves of faith to get over this? She came into the church tonight and wanted me to talk about what was bothering me. Oh God, was it she who put these thoughts into my head, that night in Kilnashee? I accused her of that – of putting ideas into people's heads, but if I am honest with myself, the thoughts and feelings were there. Have been for a long time. On retreat, I convinced myself that I could put them aside, but what I really meant was that I could live with us both being celibate, staying close friends. As soon as Niamh told me she had married Leo, I was lost. I love this woman. I cannot get past it. I can't.

3.7 – Lost Sheep

Assumpta -  This has all been a mistake, marrying Leo. I resent his constant joking about rural life, about this being a backwater and all of us a bunch of culchies. But I know that's not really the problem. I don't love him, and I resent him being in my life, in my pub, in my bed. My feelings for Peter get in the way…of everything. Peter's been avoiding the bar, but whenever I do see him, he looks at me with such sorrow that I hurt all over, body and soul. I think Leo suspects the real problem, but I let him go without telling him. I am very happy for Siobhan, having a baby at her age, and not needing to be in love with Brendan. Maybe this love business is too much for us human beings. Too much pain and longing.

Peter -  Siobhan is pregnant, and I am happy for her, yet filled with sadness that I cannot ever be a parent, a real father.  And I suspect that Father Mac is a father, to this lovely girl who came to town looking for a sister and learned instead who her real mother is. So Father Mac was also in love once. He must have been, I can't imagine him having a casual affair, any more than I could. And Kathleen obviously knew about it and got Eileen to leave town. Came between them because it was "the right thing" to do. I don't think either of them knew she was pregnant. Should he have told Nainsi? Would that have been the right thing to do? I don't know. I don't know what's right anymore. Leo confronted me, asking almost directly if I am in love with Assumpta. His wife. I know that it is a sin to come between man and wife. And yet I feel almost happy that he's left. What has become of my sense of honour? I am filled with pain and longing.

3.9    Pack Up Your Troubles

Assumpta – I came back from a three-day ordeal, trying to explain to Leo why our marriage was a mistake. He wanted to talk about Peter ("that damned priest….if it wasn't for him…..") but I couldn't let him go there. "It's not about anyone else," I kept telling him. I said I'd thought we could recapture some of what we'd had back in college, but too much time had gone by; the feelings just weren't there. I told him how much I truly regretted having marrying him without those feelings; it wasn't fair. And on and on. He kept telling me he never stopped loving me, and I felt like such a monster because I just couldn't say it back. Finally, we were both exhausted, and he seemed to accept it. I came home and the first thing Niamh told me was that Peter was gone. Gone? I felt like the bottom had dropped out of my heart. But he isn't gone forever, thank God, although his mother is dying. I wish I could help him. I guess…I hope, when it's over, that he'll come back to Ballyk.

Peter – Here I am, home in Manchester, watching my mother die. I feel so totally alone. My sister has her husband and her son; my brothers have their wives. I hold mum's hand, and wish I could tell her that I'm in love too. But how can I tell her… or any of them? It's not that simple. Never mind my priestly vows, she is married. And all I have to hold on to is the occasional look she gives me, and Leo's suspicions. But even though I am desperately caught up in this awful dying, knowing how much I will miss my mother, half of my heart and mind are in Ballykissangel. With Assumpta. When this is over, I'll go back to Ballyk.

3.10     The Reckoning

Assumpta – What is this strange, unfamiliar feeling? I think it's happiness. I'm happy! So much has happened. Peter came back, and though he was clearly grieving for his mother, he also seemed ready to face his feelings for me. Well, I had to give him a bit of a push.  First he told me a story about a baby polar bear, the point being that he may look like a priest, but he didn't feel like one. He started to cry, and I reached out to hold him. It felt so good to put my arms around him. But when he started to kiss me, I pulled back. I'm not going to have an affair with a priest! He's going to have to make some decisions. I was so angry that I went to his house and gave him an ultimatum, but he said he needed to think. Oooh! That made me even angrier! It's not what's in his head I needed to hear. But now I know what's in his head. He loves me! I think we're going to get married, be together. I can't quite believe it, but I believe him. And I am happy!

Peter - My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?

3.11     Amongst Friends

Peter - I tried to pull myself together, to pack my rucksack, to get ready to leave. But they wouldn't let me. Not Niamh, who insisted that I had to baptize Kieran, not Father Mac who wanted me to make a decision about my future, my life, when I can't think what to do for the next five minutes. Everyone else, seeming to think I could just pull myself together, move on. Or not wanting to know the truth. Leo wanted to know the truth, and I told him that yes, I loved her. His wife. I know he did too, and I am sorry, profoundly sorry, to have hurt him. We've both lost her. Is there comfort in thinking that she did love me? Leo said it was always me that she loved. If that's true, then I wasted years by dithering, by trying to deny my feelings. I feel so empty; I've lost Assumpta and my faith as well. I couldn't even say anything meaningful when we met for a sort of wake for her. Brendan said a poem, and Siobhan sang a beautiful song, and even Brian managed a sort of eulogy. I could say nothing. All I can think of is why did this happen? Was God punishing me? Punishing Assumpta? I have never believed in that kind of vengeful God, but what am I to believe? We came so close, right to the edge of happiness, and then it was snatched away. I finally told her that I loved her. I am sure that she loved me too, though she didn't say the words. I am empty. I rallied meself and did the baptism, perhaps the last one I will ever do. And then got ready to leave. Brendan figured out that I was leaving, and he came to say goodbye, to walk with me a little ways out of town. Will I ever return, he asked? I have no idea.
I only know the pain I feel looking back at this lovely village, Ballykissangel, where I have been happy, fulfilled… and heartbroken.