"You take the good, you take the bad,
You take them both and there you have
The facts of life...
The facts of life...
There's a time you gotta go and show
You're growing now you know about
The facts of life...
The facts of life...
Well the world never seems
To be living up to your dreams
And suddenly you're finding out
The facts of life are all about
You...
Yoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo
It takes a lot to get it right
When you're learning the facts of life..."
(Music and lyrics by Alan Thicke)

Mrs. Garrett finds a baby abandoned on the doorstep of the malt shop. It soon develops that George the handyman is the father, and Natalie is the mother! How did she manage to hide it from everyone? Well, six-and-a-half pounds of baby didn't show up much under all the profits she'd been eating. At the same time, Tootie reveals that she has suffered a miscarriage, and that the baby was also George's. Adding insult to injury, Mrs. Garrett slips on a bar of soap in the bathroom when she is bathing the baby, and ends up being laid up for a week, during which time her sister Beverly Ann, a former women's prison matron, steps in to look after the girls. Long story short, tears are shed, George realizes the errors of his ways and becomes a Catholic priest, Beverly Ann's plot to turn the shop into a monster truck arena is exposed and she is sent packing, the girls all forgive each other and bond over chocolate malteds, and decide to raise the baby (which they name Anne Bernice Denise Colleen Linda Maureen) together.

Oh. Wait. Wrong series. Although that one went on for 10 seasons, God knows why, while Ballykissangel was cancelled after only 6 (some would say 3). Maybe Kathleen should have dyed her hair red.

Ballykissangel, Series 2, Episode 4. Not one of my favorites. Dearth of Peter-Assumpta scenes. Brian Quigley replaced by evil twin. Poor use of Eamonn. Too many non-regulars with large roles (McMullen, Grainne, Roy, The Truck, but not, thankfully, Mrs. Garrett). Upside: Some clever scenes with Peter (the one with the video and the one where he flashed his badge), and three plots in which Michael had a useful (although not to say vital) role.

This episode was really quite a downer, what with Niamh having the miscarriage, Grainne setting her baby out, and Ambrose very nearly losing his posting. It was just one Issue after another and very little actual humor to lighten it up. Oh, they tried, both the characters and the writer, but it all felt forced.

And the plots in this episode were (drum roll please):

1. Niamh's Miscarriage
2. The Big Truck / Guard McMullen
3. The Sex Talk
4. Roy and Grainne

Niamh's Miscarriage

I liked how Niamh's reaction was handled. Once the fact of the miscarriage had been established by Dr. Ryan (useful role #1 thus having been fulfilled), she turned her mind immediately to the pressing matters of the day: McMullen's arrival, Ambrose's injury, and mopping the kitchen floor. Niamh is a practical-minded woman, and she didn't let herself wallow in self pity, although she did make the pilgrimage to Peter's house: "It's so unfair Father. I lose my baby and someone just dumps theirs on your doorstep." Come to think of it, it was a bit heavy-handed to run both of these plots in the same episode. Thankfully, Mr. Forte didn't get out the sledgehammer and have Niamh and Ambrose actually adopt Grainne's baby.

This was the first time in the entire history of Ballykissangel in which Niamh and Ambrose shared a truly tender moment, when they were comforting each other in bed, before The Big Ape burst in on them. For a minute there I thought that there was something between them...nah.

Brian was also at his tenderest in this story, in the scene with Niamh in the kitchen. He was all touchy-feely, showing a surprisingly soft side. This was a big contrast to his behavior in the rest of this episode, which I'll get to later.

The Big Truck / Guard McMullen

The other scenes were bang-on, though: his kowtowing to Guard McMullen when he was about to ticket his car, smoothly ignoring McMullen's disdain of the size of the town ("What traffic?"); his playing the generous host to McMullen and nonchalantly suggesting all sorts of favors, and then his frosty reaction when McMullen tried to play for more; and, finally, the turning point, when he regained control of his body from the alien pod and told Ambrose firmly, "You are going nowhere." That is the Brian I know and...well, not love, but whom I sure admire for sticking to his principles, which are: family first, and after that everyone else's purpose in life is to make life easier and more pleasant for Brian Quigley (although most of them need a little incentive first). From then on, it was all smooth sailing, as Brian neatly turned the tables on McMullen, got Ambrose reinstated, and won the undying gratitude of his precious daughter, all in one fell swoop. And the cutest part was that he did it all as deus ex machina, with Liam and Donal acting as his agents. It was a classic Quigley production.

I have to comment on the truck. First of all, it wasn't *that* big. I don't believe it would have caused an earthquake in town. Although Liam's boom box did the same thing in Episode 6.8 Smoke Signals. But let's leave the world of reality behind and enter the realm of Ballykissangel (as seen through the eyes of director Paul Harrison). Through the use of awe-inspiring music, low camera angles, and allowing just a small corner of the truck to fill the entire shot, as if it were the Colossus and one couldn't behold the whole thing at once, the illusion of greatness was achieved.

I did think it was a shame that McMullen was driven out of town in the end. He would have been a great character to keep on...they could have had a whole good cop/bad cop dynamic going on with him and Ambrose. Brian would have done better to find a way to keep on McMullen AND Ambrose. Then he could have played one off against the other, enlisting McMullen to cover his tracks and lead Ambrose on wild goose chases, while counting on Ambrose to keep McMullen's appetite for payola from getting too large.

The Sex Talk

I liked how Michael acted on his own initiative (useful role #2), both in arranging for Peter to give the talk, and in heading Father Mac off at the pass. What a sneaky, sneaky man! Doesn't the Hippocratic Oath include a clause on telling the truth to priests? Michael is probably my favorite second-string character, because the writers keep coming up with surprising facts about him: But wait! He's a jockey in his spare time! And there's more! He's a pothead! And again! He thumbs his nose at stodgy old priests! Assumpta isn't the only one trying to reform Ireland from without the Establishment. Come to think of it, why doesn't Michael have more run-ins with the clergy? Or, put another way, why does Assumpta? Why can't she just let them alone, like Michael does?

So many missed opportunities in this plot. I would have liked to know Peter's personal views on premarital sex. Assumpta's, too, for that matter. I think there is an assumption that just because she doesn't attend Mass, she has "progressive" views. But let's remember that she will actually marry Leo. So at least some of the Catholic mores have filtered down to her.

The only P&A scene which occurred within the confines of this plot was the one in Fitzgerald's where Assumpta mentioned her first kiss in the Ritzy cinema. The entire conversation was light-hearted, friendly, entirely un-fraught with any sort of UST. Such a waste. Couldn't they have had at least a shot of Peter gazing wistfully at Assumpta while she dreamily recounted the particulars of her first kiss? When he realized that he was staring, he would lick his lips quickly, glance down at his glass and let his fingers play around the rim. Then he would ask some meaningless question, like whatever happened to the guy, and Assumpta would laugh off the tension and say he's married with six kids and she's really glad it's not her, and Peter would smile down at his glass but not want to let it go at that, so he would look intently at Assumpta and ask, "Why not? Don't you want a family, kids?" "Yeah, but it'd have to be with the right person," Assumpta would softly respond, brazenly returning Peter's gaze. They would hold the pose for a couple of seconds, both thinking the same thing, and then Assumpta could murmur, more to herself, "But that's not possible, is it?" to which Peter could respond with a wry smile, "God works in mysterious ways." Or something. Whatever. It didn't happen. Shame though.

The highlight of this story turned out to be the encounter in Hendley's, with Peter looking for a video. (Continuity question: Was there always a video display rack there? Somehow doesn't seem to jibe with my recollection. Will have to look for it in other episodes. Common sense question: Wouldn't you think there'd be another video rental place in town besides the village shop? Kathleen couldn't possibly do enough business with that small a selection of non-violent, non-sexy videos to make it worth her floor space. Gone With the Wind and The Thin Man just aren't high-demand items. It'd be a good business opportunity for someone. Are you listening, Brian?) You could just see Kathleen's mind at work as the scene progressed: first politely helpful, then getting impatient, then slightly suspicious, and finally downright disapproving, as she huffed off in a cloud of righteous indignation. Kathleen was absolutely precious, jumping to the conclusion that Peter was looking for a sexy video. I mean, how do you arrive at that conclusion, given the criteria: Deals with love and relationships; recent/modern; appeals to a young audience. OK, I agree that Porky's or American Pie might not be the best choices for a priest to show to a youth group (no judgment on what he does in private), but how about any of the various romantic comedies with Meg Ryan (Sleepless in Seattle and You've Got Mail jump to mind), or one of the similar Julia Roberts vehicles (Pretty Woman, My Best Friend's Wedding). Surely Kathleen wouldn't be offended by any of those, or at least not enough not to carry them.

In the end, I was very grateful that we didn't have to hear more than a smattering of Peter's talk. He was so nervous and obviously embarrassed (yes, he was! didn't you see how he kept checking his notes and beating around the bush?) and I was quite glad that his talk ended up simply being a background to Brian's setting McMullen up for the fall, and that most of it was obscured by the Roy and Grainne story.

Roy and Grainne

This was the most issue-driven story in the episode, and once again we've signed up for Irish Culture 101 (previous topics have included the Travellers and shafting the EU). This time it's the Catholic Church and teen pregnancy, but we never get much in the way of a good old-fashioned conflict. It's just all Father Peter "Helpful is My Middle Name" Clifford. The message I got from his behaviour was that, sure, it's OK to have unprotected sex before marriage (or even before finishing high school), sure, it's OK to have a baby with no visible means of support other than the Irish state, as long as the family sticks together and there's plenty of love love love to go around, we'll all be happy happy Catholics until Jesus returns. Oh, and, the Catholic Church should be much, much more supportive of young single mothers. Never mind preaching abstinence or encouraging responsible behaviour all down the line. Never mind the fact that children who grow up in a stable home with two parents and a loving caretaker (in the best of all possible worlds this would be the non-working mother) are much more likely to be productive, reasonably happy adults than those who are born to single, unskilled teenagers subsisting on welfare. No, fellas, we're living in the twenty-first century here, and you've just got to get with the times.

Indeed, I can't imagine why Roy and Grainne would have decided on Ballykissangel as the ideal place to abandon the baby. Surely they could have realized that the baby would have been promptly returned to Cilldargan, the county seat (or whatever they call the capital of the county in Ireland), seeing as the hospital, parish church, and county social services office are all there. There's nothing in BallyK but a lot of wool, ladies and gentlemen. That and a feisty barmaid, an entrepreneur with a shady scheme for every day of the week, a bumbling cop, a pithy gentleman schoolmaster, and a 'fish-out-of-water' English priest trying to find his way in the world. Maybe they had heard that Michael was running a baby mill...but then they would have left it on his doorstep, not the priest's.

Gee, I didn't mean to get so down on this story. It's just that once I get started... I actually welcome stories like this, where real world things are happening and the characters (and we) have to think about and react to serious things. Life isn't all monster trucks and evading the law. Not outside of (please fill in your own pet rural, redneck geographical designation here) at any rate.

Oh, just remembered: Michael got to be in this plot, too, with appearances both at the beginning and the end in which he got to use his medical training. That's useful role #3.

Random Thoughts

2. Colo(u)r of the week: Brown. Everyone's wearing it.

3. Number of characters appearing in their pyjamas and/or dressing gowns: 4 (Peter, Ambrose, Grainne, baby)
3a. Number of pairs of pyjamas Ambrose owns: 2 (red with white stripes and red with black stripes)

4. Missing scene just begging to be written: The night Peter and Assumpta spend together taking care of the baby.

5. How come Superintendent Foley got all bent out of shape when Brian called him "Sergeant Foley", but doesn't mind a bit when Niamh always calls him plain ol' Mr. Foley?

6. Did Ambrose move his office to the bedroom or what? People were traipsing in and out of there without so much as a "by your leave".

7. When Peter sees Niamh standing outside his house, he has just been reading a book entitled "Sex Therapy". Now, since his youth group talk is not about sex, why in the world would he have been reading that book?

8. When Niamh was mopping the kitchen floor and Brian entered the house, how did she know without even bothering to look that it was a benign personage? It could have been any number of people: Assumpta...Guard McMullen...Sean Dooley...Mossy Phelan... She might at least have called out, "Hello?"

9. How the heck many external doors are there in that guard house? There's the main one with the big knocker...the one that Brian came in by...the one that Brian left by (which we didn't see but must have been different than the one he entered by and the one that Foley entered by)...and the one that Superintendent Foley came in by. It's a regular rabbit's warren.

10. Number of times the word "sex" is used: 10.

Fav Lines

Attempts At Humour

Ha!

2. A knock sounds at the door.
    Peter: Let's hope it wasn't twins.

Ba-dum-bum.

3. Assumpta: Um, I was just passing and I saw Dr. Ryan's car, I thought you might have had a--
    The baby cries from inside the house.
    Assumpta: A baby?

Heh, heh, yeah, remember my friend Jenny...?

4. Assumpta: I learned most of my lessons in the back of the Ritzy Cinema. Had my first kiss in there.
    Peter: Now there's an idea.
    Assumpta: Hmh! Well you can forget it, the Ritzy closed years ago.

So, is she thinking of Peter kissing her in particular?

5. McMullen: I was a prison officer for many years, before I had my calling to the guards.
    Niamh: Prison officer. Well then you'll be used to a small room.

Meow.

6. Niamh: First Ambrose. Now this. What else can go wrong?
    The doorbell buzzes.
    Brian: Well not the doorbell anyway.

No comment.

Lines That Missed The Point

So, unofficially then? Was anyone expecting a baby? Enquiring minds want to know.

2. Fr Mac: Father, is it true what I've been hearing about you?
    Peter: I'm not sure.
    Fr Mac: That you have been looking for suggestive videos.
    Peter: Oh...Kathleen didn't have anything to suit my tastes.
    Fr Mac: Don't play games with me Father. Is it true that you plan giving a talk to the youth club about sex?
    Peter, relieved: Oh that.
    Fr Mac: You mean there's worse!?

Yeah, what was Peter thinking of, if not the sex thing? Or was he thinking of another sex thing...

3. Peter: We have to speak to these young people now if we're to prevent more unwanted babies being dumped on our doorstep.
    Fr Mac: Whoever this mother is, it's quite obvious that she has no interest in rearing the child.
    Peter: We have no proof of that.

Wait, didn't you just say that the baby was "unwanted"? And anyway, what the heck did Father Mac mean by his comment? That since Grainne didn't want to raise the child, it was actually a good thing that the baby was dumped on the doorstep?

Nitpicks

2. Assumpta changed her clothes after going over to the Egans's (when Niamh told her she'd lost the baby), before she went back to the pub. Did she raid Niamh's closet?