If the Glove Fits
(Special thanks to Aesop (from a different Ballykissangel forum)
for the idea.)
Assumpta slowly opened her eyes and then very quickly closed them again,
wincing at the pounding in her head. If only the little men with mallets
who were hammering on her skull would go away she could go back to sleep,
for about a week. She finally realized that the pounding was someone at the
And there was something else about today she was trying to remember as well
Assumpta sat up suddenly with a gasp. Today she was getting married!
She was very sorry she had sat up so fast.
She made her way carefully downstairs and opened the door to let Niamh and
Siohban in, making her way back upstairs and into bed. Niamh came in and
flung open the curtains, letting the light stream in and right into the back
of Assumpta's brain.
After thoroughly cursing Niamh and Siohban for waking her up, she had gotten
into a hot shower, planning on remaining there for a long time. She slowly
started remembering what had happened the night before. Why had she let herself
be talked into a bachelorette evening? Why had she drunk so much?
It was Kathleen who had brought up the subject, but only after a few drinks.
Kathleen, for some reason, had started feeling very motherly toward Assumpta.
Something Assumpta found highly amusing. "Now, Assumpta dear," Kathleen slurred,
"you're not nervous are you? You know, about the wedding night? (Hic) Not
that I know myself, but I'm told the marriage (Hic) drink eshperience is
not too bad if you've had a few beds in you beforehand (Hic)."
Assumpta stared at Kathleen for a moment, and then surprised everyone at
the table by saying, "Kathleen, I can't tell you (sniff!) how much that means
to me." Any other time Kathleen's attitude would have annoyed Assumpta, but
tonight, with a few drinks behind her, she was touched in a maudlin sort
of way and big fat tears started to leak out of the corners of her eyes.
Siohban and Niamh just looked at each other and rolled their eyes. In fact,
Assumpta and Kathleen's relationship had improved lately. Kathleen had taken
her cue from Father MacAnally, who, after his initial disappointment had
resigned himself to having Peter and Assumpta married and living in his parish.
Assumpta did not usually get drunk, but what with the stress of Leo's divorce,
Peter leaving the priesthood, the unfriendly attitude of some in the parish,
the strangeness of being able to be open about her love for Peter, had all
combined to make her want to blow off some steam.
Niamh, who was driving, and had consumed only one pint early in the evening,
decided it was time to go. Kathleen started trying to get her gloves back
on, but she was having a lot of trouble with it, some of the fingers were
doubled up inside and some of the glove fingers were hanging limply off of
Siohban, who herself had had a lot to drink said, "Assumpta, what size glove
does Peter wear, eh?" with a wink at Niamh, who blushed.
Kathleen spoke up, "You know what they say about the size of a man's hands
don't you?" Niamh, Siohban, and Assumpta all looked at Kathleen with shocked
expressions on their faces and then fell into helpless giggling at the earnest
look on her drunken face.
Assumpta grinned through the pain in her head, which was starting to lessen
with the liberal application of aspirin and lots of hot water. Had Kathleen
really said that?
Niamh and Siohban came downstairs to get some coffee for when Assumpta got
out of the shower. They found Peter pacing nervously around the reception
area. He had come around to see how Assumpta was. He didn't think she realized
how loudly the bachelorette party had arrived home in Ballykissangel last
night. He grinned to himself at the memory of looking out his upstairs window
to see Assumpta and party staggering down the street towards the church.
It had looked like the others were trying to restrain Assumpta from waking
Peter up to tell him something. But Assumpta had shrugged them off, flung
her arms out drunkenly to her sides and shouted, "Wake up Peter, I love you,
we're getting married tomorrow!"
He had been worried that they would wake up Kathleen who would then have
more juicy gossip to spread around. Then he realized that Kathleen was one
of them, and she seemed to be waving a pair of gloves around in the air and
shouting something that sounded like "Big enough gloves..." whatever that
meant. It seemed like Niamh was the most sober of the group, and trying to
herd the others back to Fitzgerald's.
Peter decided to keep out of it, but smiled grimly to himself that this,
at least, Kathleen would not be eager to talk about. He quietly twitched
the curtains back in place and went back to bed, not that he had been sleeping.
No, he couldn't sleep when he was getting married next day to the love of
Now Peter asked, "Is she alright?"
"She'll be fine, just a little too much night before the wedding celebrating,"
"You woke me up last night you know, and probably half the town as well when
you got back from Cilldargan."
Siohban gave a self-conscious cough and glanced at Niamh. "Sorry about that
Fath... I mean Peter. Didn't mean to wake you up," said Siohban.
"How is she? Still ready to get married today?" he asked again. He knew Assumpta
did not often indulge in alcohol. There was still part of him that couldn't
believe his good fortune, that Assumpta loved him back. He supposed it would
keep him from taking the relationship for granted in the years to come. He
smiled at the thought of years with Assumpta.
"Oh yes, Peter, wild horses couldn't keep her away from her wedding to you
today," said Niamh. She was having a hard time using his Christian name,
but she supposed she would get used to it. She decided to err on the side
of less information in her reply, remembering Assumpta sitting very, very
still, holding her head in her hands and trying not to throw up.
"Just one thing, why was Kathleen shouting something about gloves last night?"
It was at this point that Siohban became very interested in the pattern on
the ceiling of the pub and studiously avoided looking at Niamh.
Niamh was just as interested in not looking at Siohban. She blushed deep
pink and cleared her throat. "Oh, you heard that did you? Well, um, Kathleen
wanted to buy you a nice pair of gloves for a wedding present, didn't she
"Siohban? Siohban!" said Niamh as Siohban started to choke and cough in an
effort to not laugh.
After Peter and Niamh had restored Siohban with some water, Peter decided
to leave. "Think I'll go for a walk, burn off some of this nervous energy."
He turned at the door and said, "I take an extra large."
Niamh's eyes got as large as saucers as she stared at Peter. "What?" she
said. She patted Siohban absently on the back as she started to choke and
"For gloves, tell Kathleen I take an extra large," said Peter innocently.
"And Siohban, I'd see Doc Ryan about that cough. See you at the wedding,"
Peter said happily as he left.
A few days after the wedding, Kathleen received something in the mail from
Assumpta. Kathleen wondered why on earth Assumpta would be sending her something
in the mail, and from her honeymoon. She opened the package to reveal a fine
pair of kid leather gloves with a note that said, "Kathleen, you were right,
and I didn't need the alcohol. Assumpta."