Wed, 28 October

I'm a free man now, and I've put my life into God's hands. I think Alison cares for me, and I can't wait until I see her again. It's very late now, so I think I'll just go to sleep and hopefully catch up with her tomorrow.
 

Thurs. 29 October

John suggested that we go out for dinner tonight in the Bundarra pub. He'd heard that there was a new chef who was very good, so he persuaded us to try it out.

I noticed THEM as soon as we were seated. They were sitting in a secluded corner. Thankfully Alison had her back to us, and didn't see us at all. Phyllis and John were also seated with their backs to the corner, so although they greeted a lot of friends who asked them about their trip, they didn't see Alison either. So we were thankfully prevented from being introduced and having to make polite conversation.

I could see the fellow she was with quite clearly. He was very good looking, in a modern sort of way. A bit flashy in his style of dress maybe, but he was all over her. They appeared to be laughing and joking and having a good time together. I could tell he was completely smitten with her, the way he looked at her all the time; so much, he was oblivious to anyone else in the room. He didn't even notice me looking at them far too often.

Well who wouldn't be in love with Alison? I always knew that she'd have lots of admirers, and that I'd have plenty of competition. I felt I wanted to go up and haul him away, and stop him looking at her like that. I felt more angry and aggressive than I've ever felt before. I never felt this way about Leo when he married Assumpta. Then I only felt very sad and depressed for what I knew I could never have. This time I thought Alison was mine. How wrong I've been. What a fool I am.

Every time I looked up, my stomach churned. I felt so jealous. I didn't feel much like eating once I'd seen them there. I wished I could make an excuse and leave. Unfortunately it was something that just had to be endured.

I can't remember what we ate or talked about tonight. I know Phyllis and John told me a lot about their trip, and I told them a little about mine, but thankfully they never noticed, or at least they never commented on my lack of attention to our  conversation.

I was greatly relieved when after we'd finished eating, Phyllis suggested we leave and have coffee at home. I didn't want to be seen by Alison, and I didn't want John or Phyllis to see her either. I was a bit worried when Phyllis looked over her shoulder, and after that I tried very hard not to look past her and John anymore. When we got up, I noticed Phyllis look around again, but I don't think she saw anything.

I'd actually intended to ring Alison at home tonight before we left, but didn't get a chance. I'm so thankful I didn't end up blurting out all my pent-up emotions to her. What a fool I am. I should've know that Alison was far too popular for me, a naïve ex-priest, to have a chance.
 

Friday 30 October

I couldn't believe my ears when I heard her voice. I didn't know what to say at first. Our conversation went a bit like this.
"Hi Peter," she said in a bright cheerful voice. "Did you have a good holiday?"
"Sorry?  Oh, Yeah,   .   I did, Yeah", I mumbled, not quite sure how to respond.
She asked me if I was alright. I lied and told her yes, but that I'd fallen asleep and was just waking up. I think she believed me.
"So are you're glad you went then?" she asked
"Yeah, I met some interesting people, and saw some great places. So I suppose I'm glad that I went."
"So you didn't miss me at all". she said in that lilting, teasing voice of hers that I love so much.
"Ugh?  ..I'm not sure I know how to answer that", I finally responded, feeling all confused and emotional.
"I was hoping you missed me as much as I missed you", she replied.
"Actually, I rang to return your call and to see if you'd like to go out to the Space Tracking Station next week. I didn't get your message until this morning. I thought you were getting back today. I've got an excursion out to Tidbinbilla in a few weeks, and I'd like to go and check a few things out before I take a whole class."

I hesitated for a moment. I had nothing planned, and I did want to see her again. I told myself that I shouldn't just give up without a fight. I really didn't have any reason not to go. I wondered about the boyfriend from last night, and was tempted to ask, but then I'd have to admit that I was there and didn't go over to say hello. I decided I'd be stupid to throw away the
chance to spend some time with her.

"Yeah, that'd be great," I replied. "I'd like to see it. What time were you thinking of going?"
"Well actually, I was going to suggest we made a day of it. You know, go out to the Space Tracking Station in the morning, then drive about 10  minutes to the Nature Reserve for lunch. They have a large koala enclosure and lots of other animals. I'll pack us a picnic; what do you say?"

I was quite flabbergasted. I didn't know what to think or say. Her reaction was not that of someone who had another boyfriend. In fact she sounded quite enthusiastic, as though she was actually looking forward to spending the whole day with me.
"That sounds great," I replied. "How about I bring the drinks?"
I asked her if she wanted me to borrow Phyllis's car, but she was quite definite that we'd go in her's.

Just as she was about to hang up, I had a crazy and very uncharacteristic impulse. In a moment of sheer madness, I asked her what she was doing tonight. John and Phyllis were going out and I'd been contemplating a very depressing and lonely night alone, imaging Alison out with the new boyfriend. The moment I blurted out my question, I regretted it. I held my breath while I waited for her to tell me that she'd already made other plans.

When she said that she hadn't any plans, and asked me what I had in mind, I nearly dropped the phone in relief. I asked if she'd like to go out for a meal, and maybe see a film afterwards.
"Sounds good," she said cheerfully without hesitating. "I'll tell you what, how about we go out for a meal then hire a video and take it back to my place. We have more choice that way, and we won't have to rush our meal."

I was happy to agree to anything that involved spending time with her, so we arranged for her to stay at school and get some marking done, and I'd get John and Phyllis to drop me off at her school, on their way out at 6.

After she'd hung up, I noticed that my heart was racing, and I was perspiring with nervousness. It's actually the first date I've organised for over ten years. I had a shower and had to restrain myself from overdoing the aftershave. I felt so excited, I was behaving like a teenager on his first date. I considered going back and having a cold shower to calm myself.

I put on my best jeans, a casual shirt and jacket, then inspected myself in the mirror. I couldn't help grinning. Did I look casual enough? My clothes did, but my face was flushed and my eyes definitely weren't relaxed and casual.

Alison was ready when John and Phyllis dropped me off. I'd asked Alison to choose somewhere suitable and she suggested an Italian Restaurant in Manuka, near her school. She insisted on buying a bottle of wine because I'd told her that I was paying for the meal.

The place she'd chosen was very romantic. It was pleasantly furnished, and our table was in a secluded corner by the window. The table was lit by a single candle, and after 7 o'clock there was a singer, who sang Italian love songs and played the piano accordion. The food was delicious and plentiful. "Two nights eating out in a row, I'm really living it up at present," I said, hoping she might say something about last night. She didn't, instead she wanted to know if I'd like some dessert.

We finished the meal with an excellent gelati icecream, and I told her a little more about my trip. I confessed that I was getting a bit concerned that I still didn't have a clear direction as to where my future lay. I told her that I'd been back to Centacare, and that it looked like I might be offered something there.

On the way home we called in at the local video shop and selected a couple of videos. I haven't seen many films over the last few years, so I told her I was happy to go along with anything she chose. After much deliberation, she picked 'Sense and Sensibility', the film based on the Jane Austen story of the same name, and the movie "How to make an American Quilt'.

When we got to her house it was empty. Her family were all out too, so we had the house to ourselves. I was very conscious that we were alone. I felt a bit tense at first, sitting on the sofa with her as we started to watch the film 'How to make an American Quilt', but I gradually relaxed. I can see that it's much easier dating someone who lives alone, like Assumpta did,
rather than someone who still lives at home with their parents.

Alison got up to replenish our drinks, and top up the nuts she'd put out, then returned and sat closer. I nervously hesitated for a few moments, wondering when her parents were due home. I'm not used to feeling like a teenager again. What the heck, I lifted my arm and put it around her shoulders. She immediately snuggled closer and took my other hand. It felt great. We sat like that for about an hour, watching the movie and adding our comments to it.

The film highlights the difficulty and unfairness of the Negro's lives in America at the time. It reminded me of what I'd seen of the Aboriginal suffering here in Australia. I commented on this to Alison, and so she explained to me how there's suffering everywhere. She told me about a girl in her school who's in difficulty at home. This girl has confided in Alison, and told her that when her mother's at work, the mother's boyfriend has started making comments about her clothes, and asking details about
boyfriends. Alison's worried because the girl doesn't want to talk to a student counsellor about it.

We watched the end of the film and I could see that Alison was a bit teary. I offered her my handkerchief to dry her eyes, which she did. Then she turned in my arms and made the move to kiss me. We met halfway, I didn't need any encouragement. I'm definitely falling in love again. I'm so thankful that all my fears from last night were unfounded. What a difference
24 hours makes.
 

Sat. 31 October

We picked up David and Sarah at their unit, and drove out together. The shed was very large, and smelt of sheep, wool and lanolin. It was a natural smell, not unpleasant and ideal for an outdoor party. It had been a warm day, and the evening was quite mild; perfect for this style of party.

Inside it was decorated with orange and black streamers, and around the wall were a number of jack-o'-lanterns (carved pumpkins) that were lit inside by flickering candles. In one corner a bar had been set up. There was a keg of beer and some large casks of wine as well as fruit juice and fizzy drinks. A tape deck was playing lively music in another corner.

David and Alison knew nearly everyone, so they introduced Sarah and I around. There was some excitement when Fiona (an old school friend of both Sarah and Alison) arrived from Sydney with her husband Barry. Fiona had taught at the school until two years ago when Barry's job in the Army had forced them to relocate to Sydney. They have a 3 year old daughter, Chloe,
who they'd left with Fiona's mother. They seemed to be a very pleasant couple.

In another corner near the shearing stands, draped with long strands of colourful sheer material, sat Madam Benita. She was offering to tell anyone who wished their fortune by reading their palm. Alison is usually quite pragmatic, but she insisted it would be a hoot to have our fortune told. Although I don't really believe in fortune telling, I couldn't see any harm in this, so went along with the others.

The woman took Alison's hand and peered at it closely, then looked her in the eye intently. She told Alison that in about a year, she would give birth to a daughter, and that she would soon be surrounded by lots of children. "You mean I'm going to have lots of babies?" Alison asked her in shock. "No, I see lots of older children," the woman replied. "Phew." Alison sighed with mock relief. "The girls at school. For a minute I thought I was doomed to having lots of babies, or multiple births or something."

Next it was my turn. Normally I don't go along with any of this mumbo jumbo, but it was all meant in good fun. Mme Benita was obviously a friend of one of the organisers and doing this as a favour to add to the spirit of the evening. She took my hand and turned it up, inspecting it closely. She pointed out that I had a long 'Line of Life', indicating a long life. She pointed to another line running below the fingers, that she said was the 'Line of the Heart'. Mine was long and very clear, she said, indicating an affectionate and caring nature. She added that the line below it was the 'Line of the Head', and it indicated that I was a deep thinker.

She then rubbed the thick fleshy pad at the base of my thumb, inside the 'Line of Life'. She pointed out that this, called the 'Mount of Venus', represented love and music. Mine was quite prominent, which she said indicated that I was a great lover and very musical. I tried to pull away, as I heard a couple of stifled snorts from the others behind me.

Madam Benita looked at me straight in the eye, hers full of sympathy, as if she could see what I'd been through recently.
"You've come a long way, young man." She said. "You've suffered, but there is a rainbow on the horizon. I see great happiness coming your way in the future, and lots of travel too."

I thanked her nicely, but inside I was laughing a bit. She would be fairly safe to tell everyone they'd suffered, and would travel. Everyone would like to believe that they were a great lover and thought deeply. I listened while Sarah had her turn. She was told that she would eventually have two sons, but not for a awhile yet. Mme Benita predicted that Sarah would also travel,
and live a long and healthy life.

Soon after, some dancing music was put on, so I lead Alison onto the floor. I took her gently into my arms and we moved rhythmically in time to the music. There's something very sensual about dancing to music like this. I can see why as a priest it was strongly suggested to us not to get caught up in dancing. I'm so glad that I haven't had to miss out on all these wonderful experiences that were denied to me in my previous vocation.

In fact, the more I think about it, the more I'm convinced that it would be better if Catholic priests were allowed to marry. It would solve a lot of problems in the church at present; both the shortage of suitable young men answering the call, and maybe also the problem of sexual abuse that has done our church and others so much damage in recent years.

After dancing, we moved outside near the bonfire, to watch a small fireworks display put on by one of the other Science teachers. This man has done some training, and so has a license to be able to do this safely. I watched some young children of primary school age, running around chasing each other, and generally having a great time. Earlier, they'd paired up and were trying their best to imitate the adults dancing.

I think It's important for children to be included in activities like this as much as possible. That's how they learn to socialise, and grow up into responsible adults. Children need to be exposed to as many good role models as possible. I really hope one day to have children, and be able to give them a secure and loving home, where they'll grow up into caring adults, who'll be able to make a positive contribution to society. I suppose that's what I want to do myself, and what you wanted Steve and I to do, Mum.

Supper was served after the fireworks were finished. We followed the rest of the crowd inside where tables had been set up, now piled high with a range of different finger foods. A special cake had been baked by teachers in the Home Economics Department. They explained that baked in the cake was a silver thimble, a gold ring and a silver coin.

The Celtic festival from which Halloween has sprung, had a belief that the person who found the coin would become wealthy. The person finding the ring would marry soon, and the one who got the thimble would never marry. Someone suggested that either Sarah or David were destined to find the ring. Everyone stood around eating their cake, probably hoping to get the coin.

The thimble was the first to be discovered. It was found by a married middle-aged wife of one of the teachers, so that put paid to that tradition. Especially when it was Alison who found the ring. "At least I might be married before I have this baby Madam Benita predicted I'd have," she jokingly said to me. Another teacher found the coin, and then it was announced there were a few items of entertainment on the program.

Alison had been requested to sing a couple of songs, and was accompanied by someone on a keyboard. She chose "Two Strong Hearts" originally by Australian singer John Farnham, and "I Don't Know How to Love Him" from the musical Jesus Christ Superstar.

I can't help it. I always get a lump in my throat when Alison gets up and sings. Tonight it seemed that she was singing only for me, and it sent shivers up my spine as I stood there and listened.

She was followed by a teacher who is a bit of a standup comic. He told a few stories that obviously had more meaning for those who taught at St. Catherine's than those from outside the school. The teacher who'd accompanied Alison, played a moving piece of music on her instrument, and was then joined in a second one by someone else on a flute. We were then all
lead in singing some well known songs by Alison on the mic, and the other two on their instruments, before Alison finished the entertainment with her version of "I Believe". There was silence as everyone gave her the attention her singing deserved. I found it very simple and enjoyable.

Afterwards there was some more dancing as gradually people, especially those with small children, headed home. It was a very pleasant evening, and I really enjoyed meeting so many of the people who work with Alison.
 

2 November

I met Alison after school to tell her the good news. She was very pleased for me. We both agreed that I'd have to think about buying my own car now, and I told her that I'd also need think about more permanent accommodation. She didn't comment on this, but said she had a special request to ask of me.

She plays netball in a mixed team every Tuesday evening. One of the two males in the team has broken his ankle, and Alison wanted to know if I'd be willing to fill in. I explained that I'd never played the game before; in fact I'd never even seen it played.

"It's very easy", she assured me. "With your height, you'll be a great Goal Defence". She came over after dinner and explained it all to me. She even took me outside to a goal ring that had been attached above the garage door for Sarah to practice on when she lived at home. I have to admit it didn't seem very difficult, and I managed to catch most of Alison's rebounds with ease. I suppose I'll find out tomorrow night, because I've agreed to do it. The things we do for love!!!
 

3 November

The netball tonight was a lot of fun, and the exercise was beneficial as well. Alison introduced me to the rest of her team as her English boyfriend. She was being accused of being a dark horse, not having brought me along before, and pretending she didn't have a steady boyfriend. Anyway, once introduced everyone was very friendly, and we had an enjoyable game.

We didn't win, but neither did we disgrace ourselves. I was pleased with my contribution. There were a number of rebounds I was able to catch and send back to our end, as well of a couple of interceptions, which frustrated the opposition. When we drove home I know Alison was pleased with my effort.

We exchanged a long kiss in the car before separating, each having to go our own way. Alison to do her preparation for classes tomorrow, and I had to do some reading to get myself up to speed on the local agencies I'll be dealing with. It's a bit difficult getting back into the swing of being a worker with responsibilities again, after more than four months of freedom.

I think we're going to find it increasingly difficult to say goodnight, and leave each other each evening. I'm finding it frustrating already. I want to be with her all the time, and I keep putting off the moment we have to part. Somehow I don't feel comfortable about us living together. It's not that I'm a prude and think it's a sin, but I'm uncomfortable about it, even though
I'm no longer a priest.
 

4 November

The family in Cilldargan whose baby was left on my doorstep came to mind today. I remembered my efforts talking to the BallyK Youth Group about responsibilities in relationships. It was only a once off talk, and I'll never know if it had any positive effect, but I was wondering today if I could do something similar in the schools, over a longer period of time, to break this cycle of dysfunctional families. I spoke to Alison about it on the phone tonight. She said she knew exactly what I meant, because she's been counselling the girl at her school who thinks she might be at risk from her mother's boyfriend. She said it was giving her a very good insight into how some other families operate, and it gave her quite a few worries about the adults of tomorrow.

Talking to Alison has made me realise how much in this job I need someone to talk to as a debrief. I know I'm going to see a lot more sad cases that I'm not going to be able to help, or where the person doesn't really want any help. At least when I was a priest, I was still in contact with a lot of 'normal' everyday people, as well as those who were on a path of destruction. In this job nearly all of my time is going to be taken up with students who have problems. I have very little contact with the well-adjusted ones, and this can colour your view of the world.
 

Friday, 6 November

We enjoyed some interesting Japanese food, including some sushi and something else that I can't remember the name of. We finished the meal with my favourite dessert, fresh berries and cream, having washed it all down with a nice local wine.

I put on some quite background music, as I sensed that Alison had something on her mind that was bothering her. It all came out after dinner, when I asked her about it. She told me about Lisa, the girl she'd told me about two days ago.

Lisa is sixteen, and lives with her mother and the mother's boyfriend. Up to now, things had always been OK, but recently her mother had found a part-time job that required her to work in the evening for three nights a week.

When her mother isn't home, the boyfriend has started making remarks about Lisa's appearance. He's been asking her about whether she has a boyfriend, and making suggestive comments. Lisa is now feeling very uncomfortable. A few nights ago he tried to stroke her hair and suggested she should wear it loose more often. Alison said that Lisa hasn't worn it loose since, and
wants to get it cut off short.

Lisa told Alison that she'd tried to talk to her mother about it, without actually being specific, but her mother had just laughed at her, and told her that she was being silly. She suggested that Lisa was just imaging it, and that the boyfriend was too old, and wouldn't look at a 16 year old school girl.

Alison was terribly afraid for Lisa. She's spoken to the student counsellor about it, but Lisa had indicated that she didn't want it 'blown up out of all proportion'. She'd told Alison that she didn't want to cause the boyfriend to leave her mother, because they'd been together for a long time, and the boyfriend was actually very good to her mother. She just wanted his attention to her to stop.

The student counsellor says that she can't do anything if Lisa doesn't want anything done. Lisa is an intelligent student with a potentially very bright future ahead of her, so Alison doesn't want to see her leave school and try to go it on her own, as she's thinking of doing.

Alison explained that Lisa was spending this weekend at another friend's house, but it wasn't a long term solution. She said she was going to talk to Lorraine to see if her family might be able to offer Lisa some help for awhile, at least until the exams, which start next week, are over. If Lorraine agrees, Alison will go and have a talk with Lisa's mother explaining the situation.

It seems that everywhere, even in this generally prosperous and middle-class city, there are a very large number of children who don't have a loving family to go home to every night. For many of these children, school is often a safer place than home. It must prevent them from reaching their potential academically, as well as damaging them emotionally. I just wished I could do more. I took Alison into my arms and kissed her gently. We both needed comfort after our depressing conversation. I cupped my hands around her face and looked into her eyes. "Alison Gibson, I love You", I said and kissed her on the nose.
"I love you too, Peter", she said looking up at me. "You've made me so happy. I feel I can cope with all the madness I see around me at times, knowing you're there to come back to." We sat quietly, just enjoying being together. I hate it having to pull away and go home alone. At least tomorrow we have the whole day together at Tidbinbilla.
 

Sat, 7 November

I was up bright and early. In fact I woke up about six, then couldn't get back to sleep. I made a large thermos of hot coffee, as well as packing some cold drinks and mango juice in a cold pack.

Alison drove up at exactly 10 o'clock, and we were off. We chatted as we drove south through the newest suburbs of Canberra, and headed towards the small village of Tharwa, then took the turn off to Tidbinbilla. The trip took about half an hour from home.

As we drove up, I could see about six large radio telescope dishes pointed up to specific locations in the sky, 'listening to' and interpreting the invisible radiation waves; some coming from millions of light years away. I felt a thrill of excitement and a small sense of coming home, not having had any involvement in Astronomy now for over ten years.

So it was from here that those famous words spoken by Neil Armstrong were relayed to the US. I was only a baby when it happened, but Mum and Dad had spoken about their reaction when they watched it live on TV. They actually got up in the early hours of the morning to watch it. Here in Australia it was just after midday, and people watched it in their lunch hour John had told me. That's of course why Australia received the messages first, as it happened when the western hemisphere was facing away from the moon.

It's amazing to think it happened only 12 years after the first 'sputnik' was sent in to space, and only 8 years after the first person went up there and back. I suggested to Alison that we should hire and watch the movie "Apollo 13" again. I found it very interesting the first time I saw it. I was still a baby when it happened, but John says he remembers it clearly, with the whole world following it on television, worrying for about threes days if the astronauts would get back safely.

The site is financed by NASA and has an excellent visitor centre. While Alison spoke to someone about her excursion, I spent an enjoyable hour browsing around, reading the information and looking at the displays. I can see why Alison would want to bring her class here. It's very much pitched at the layman and school children.

The location is excellent, set in a pretty green valley, behind some large hills that screen it on the east from the southern suburbs of Canberra. To the west is the taller Brindabella Range that forms part of Australia's Great Diving Range.

We sat in the kiosk having morning tea, and watched some excited children running around, expending their excess energy after being released from the confines of the displays inside.

The drive to the Tidbinbilla Nature Reserve took only a few minutes. It's administered by the same government body that runs Namagi National Park. We parked the car outside the koala enclosure and went in. Near the entrance there's a map with magnetic pictures attached, showing the locations where the rangers have sighted a koala that morning. We were very lucky today, there were four spots where koalas had been seen. The path wound through the bushland, with a numbered location indicated every 30 metres or so. The number matched interesting information about the plants and other things there. It was all written in a pamphlet we'd picked up in the visitor centre on our arrival.

At location 2, in a eucalypt tree Alison was first to find the koala. It was sleeping comfortably in a fork, its bottom fitting snugly between the two branches. Its head was folded down on its chest, and it was unaware of our scrutiny. The next place where we looked, I was the first to spot the mother with a baby on her back, watching us from high up amongst the leaves of the tree.

No matter how hard we looked, we never found even one koala near location 7, even though the map had indicated two, one on each side of the path. However, the last one was actually best, as it was in a tree right near the path. We had an excellent view of him, sitting in a fork only about 10 metres above us. He was busy eating leaves that he pulled off the branch using his front paws. He watched us intently as we pointed him out to some children who'd run up.

Koalas are now endangered due to the destruction of their habitat. They eat only eucalyptus leaves of a small number of species. They're not usually seen by people as they speed past on the roads. The koalas are fairly well camouflaged with their grey/brown fur amongst the similarly coloured branches and grey/green leaves. Unfortunately, in many cases it's the road kills, (that occur when koalas try to cross the roads on their four short legs, moving from one suitable tree to another on the opposite side of the road), that alert people to their existence in that part of the country.

We walked back to the car hand in hand; it felt good to be alive and in love. There was a pretty picnic area adjoining the enclosure. Alison had a basket of food, so I took out the kool pak, and the thermos with our drinks, and the large picnic rug.

We found a cosy secluded spot in the warm spring sunshine, where we were screened from both the road and the carpark. I laid out the rug and then helped Alison get out the food. It always tastes better when eaten outdoors, and this was absolutely delicious. Alison has packed some exotic cold meats, small cherry tomatoes, cucumber slices, stuffed eggs, asparagus and lots
more to have with the crusty fresh bread we'd bought fresh and still warm, on our way out this morning.

After we'd eaten our fill, we laid down on the rug and watched the clouds drift past, changing shape. We tried to invent stories about what they were, each story becoming more far fetched and ridiculous than the last, as we tried to out do each other in producing the most imaginative story.

When we ran out of ideas, I rolled over onto my stomach and looked at her. "Why do you always insist on driving, when you're in a car?" I asked her suddenly. "Don't you trust anyone else's driving?" I think she was quite surprised at my direct and unexpected question. She looked at me for a  minute, before replying.
"You're right, I find it impossible to be a passenger with anyone else. It's not just you." She assured me, and squeezed my hand. I sat in silence and waited while she sat up and started to tell me her story.

She explained that just over three years ago she was in a bad car accident in which her then boyfriend was killed, and she'd been badly injured. Since then, she explained,  she'd never been able to relax in a car, unless she was driving and in control.

I lent my back up against a tree and pulled her close into my arms, and asked her to tell me what happened. She related how they'd been out together on a Friday night, clubbing and drinking a bit until the early hours of the morning. Craig, her boyfriend, had insisted that he was OK to drive, and had declared he'd use the back streets to avoid any police breathalyzer checks.
Alison had pleaded with him, and had tried hard to persuade him to leave his car and get a taxi home. Unfortunately, he ignored her pleas, and foolishly she'd gone with him, hoping to look after him, instead of refusing to get in the car, which might have stopped Craig going.

Angry that Alison had even suggested that he wasn't fit to drive after drinking 'a little alcohol over a number of hours', he tried to prove how good he was, by driving too fast. The more she begged him to stop or slow down, the faster he drove. Alison admitted that she still occasionally has nightmares about driving fast around narrow streets, and being unable to get the driver to stop. She can't remember anything of the actual accident. Craig wrapped the car around a tree, killing himself instantly and leaving Alison unconscious. The police estimated that their car had been travelling at well over 100 km/hr in a 60 km/hr zone.

Alison was in a coma for a week, and in hospital for about a month. She said that she was very thankful that she hadn't been left with any permanent physical damage. I asked why she'd stressed the physical. She thought for a moment, then explained that as well as the occasional nightmares and inability to be a passenger in a car, the accident had also completely changed her outlook on life.

"In what way?" I asked her. She turned in my arms and took my face in her hands and kiss me briefly on my lips. I didn't make a move to extend this, as I could sense she wanted to tell me something. I stroked her face, and softly brushed it with my lips.
"Go on, tell me about it", I encouraged her. She curled up closely, and hesitated a moment before starting.

"The accident made me realise how fragile and precious life is, and how quickly and easily it can be snuffed out. One minute Craig was alive and arguing, the next he was dead. Just a bundle of flesh and bones."
I was silent for a minute, as I thought of Assumpta. How one minute we were laughing and joking about me telling her how much I loved her, in public, and wearing my dog collar; next minute she was lying there in her cellar, lifeless.
"Yeah, I know exactly what you mean", I agreed, and shivered at the memory.
"Oh, Of course," she remembered, "Assumpta?"
"Yes, it was instantaneous. She'd never have known what hit her," I added.

"Wow, and you were a priest at the time?" she asked. "It must have been really hard on you, trying to hide your feelings, and her being still legally married to someone else."
I told her that I was so devastated, that I couldn't have hidden my feelings if I'd tried.
"Anyway, most of the village had probably guessed how I felt, and those who didn't before, couldn't possibly have been in any doubt afterwards". I  added, smiling sheepishly.

"So, were you the person who had to give her the last rites?" she asked sympathetically.
"Well I nearly didn't", I replied. I went on to explain how three years before, Assumpta had insisted that she didn't want it done, and I'd intended to respect her wishes.
"So. What changed your mind? " she asked.
I told her about Fr. Mac and the others there asking me to do it for their sakes, and also that I didn't really know if Assumpta hadn't changed her mind. It seemed best to do it and ask her to forgive me.

I told Alison that now I didn't see it as a really big deal anyway. I explained that I'm convinced that if we try to live a good life, trying to care about others, then after we die, we go to an existence where there is perfect happiness.
"Call it heaven, or with God, but I know it exists". I added emphatically.

Alison was looking at me intently, with a strange expression on her face. She asked me to explain further about what I thought happened to people when they died. I found myself telling her all about how after Assumpta's death I hadn't wanted to live any more. How I'd traipsed around the Wicklow mountains, totally neglecting myself until the night in the haystack. I told her how Assumpta had appeared to me, how I'd been physically able to hug her, and how she had taken me to see you and Dad. I described how everyone there had been in a state of perfect happiness, and how beautiful and serene your surroundings were.
I went on and told her how this being, who I interpret to be God, radiated love, and made me feel so humble and yet so good. I explained how the experience changed me from a broken depressed shell of a man, who hadn't wanted to live any longer, into someone who could get on with life again, and look forward to the future with hope. I was now able to care about other people again, and not just about myself.

When I finished, I realised that Alison had tears in her eyes. I got out my handkerchief for her and I took her gently back in my arms. "What's wrong, my love?" I asked, confused and concerned that my story had upset her.
"Oh Peter," she said, trying to smile through her tears. "That's how it was for me."
She tried to wipe her tears away, and I took my hanky off her and gently dried her face. I kissed her face with a brief touch of my lips then asked her to tell me about it, as I enclosed her in my arms.

From the comfort of my arms she told me how after her accident she was cut from the car and put on life support, before being brought to the hospital by ambulance. Her parents and brothers had been called, and were all standing around her bed, not knowing if she was going to live or die. Her mother and father each held one of her hands that they stroked and squeezed
gently while talking to her.

She said she knows this because she actually saw it.  She explained that she felt herself leave her body, and found herself looking down at her physical body, with her family all standing around. She said that she knows this was real, because while she was in this position, floating just below the ceiling, she could see a film of dust and a red-covered book. They were on the top of a shelf in an adjoining room that she could see through the high window that separated the rooms. Someone had only wiped a semi-circle, probably being as far as they could reach, leaving the rest of the shelf dusty.

She remembers her brothers were both crying, and her father was sitting on the end of her bed. She then floated outside and found herself in a beautiful garden. There she was met by her grandmother who'd died about five years before, and who seemed to be waiting for her.

Alison admitted to being vaguely aware of other people around her, who seemed perfectly happy and at peace, just like I'd described. She explained how she wanted to stay, but then thought about her family crying over her death.

The moment she thought about going back, she found herself back in her body. There'd been no sensation of actually going back, like there had when she left her body. Instead, one moment she was looking at this wonderful place wanting to stay, the next she was back in her body on the bed.

Alison explained that she hadn't been able to share this experience with anyone close to her before. When she'd tried to tell her parents, they'd told her to relax and forget it, because she was probably hallucinating due to the drugs they were pumping into her. They're very conservative she explained, and didn't want to believe or delve into anything they couldn't understand, like the supernatural.

In her heart, Alison knows that the experience was real, and that she wasn't hallucinating, or dreaming; just like I know my meeting with Assumpta was real. In fact Alison told a young junior nurse who was sitting with her one night, when the pain was keeping her from sleeping. The nurse told her that she'd heard of people having such experiences when they'd been near death,
or had actually died for a short time. She told Alison there were books that had collections of some people's similar experiences.

At Alison's urging, the young nurse checked out the shelf that Alison had told her about, and sure enough, there was a red-covered book, and the dust, just like Alison had described, but the nurse had had to climb up on a chair to see it, as it was far too high for anyone to see it from the floor.

Alison had never brought up the subject again with her parents. She'd been in hospital for a number of weeks while her physical injuries were given time to heal, but she'd never discussed it with anyone again.

I asked her how the experience had changed her. She explained how before the accident she'd been a bit of a dare-devil. She was always into mischief, doing rash things and not always thinking of the consequences of her actions on others. She confessed that she was the one who organised most of the pranks that the Taylor and Gibson children had got up to while on holidays together. She admitted that she had been self-centred and demanding, and not always easy to live with, wanting her own way and not sensitive to other's needs.

After the accident so many things that had previously been important to her, like winning and being the best, were no longer important. She was no longer afraid of death, but didn't take risks either. She explained that the accident had made her appreciate being alive, and she'd decided that she wasn't going to just throw this second chance at life away.

Alison said that she thought she was more calm now, and less likely to get stressed over things that she had no control over. She'd like to think that she was more sensitive to other people's feelings, and that family and friends were more important to her than anything else, because you never know when they might be taken from you.

Even her driving style had changed, she said. Before the accident she often drove above the speed limit, always trying to get to where she was going in the shortest possible time. Now she was no longer in a hurry where-ever she went. As a result she was now a more considerate and careful driver, and she gave herself time to 'stop and smell the roses' and appreciate the important
things in life.

While she was laid up in hospital, she had a lot of time to think about life, and its meaning. She said that she had felt very strongly that her life had been spared for a purpose. The people who had helped cut her out of the car had been amazed that she had not only lived, but that after a number of weeks was able to get up and achieve mobility as quickly as she had.

She felt that she was meant to do something worthwhile with her life, but confessed that at the moment she still wasn't sure what that was to be. She admitted that she didn't think teaching was her final vocation, but that it was more a stepping stone to her ultimate calling.

I smiled down at her as she rested her head on my shoulder. I knew we were both on the same wave-length and that somehow our two destinies are entwined. We're both seeking the same thing, a direction as to where we must go. I was convinced then that God had sent me here to Australia to meet Alison, and that whatever He has in mind for us, it will be together.

Looking down at her, I could see my love for her reflected back to me. It was as if we were both being enveloped in an invisible cloud of love and protection. I gathered her in my arms and kissed her. Gently at first, but as we drew closer, our kiss became more passionate and intense. I could feel the same tingly sensations rising up inside me, that I'd felt that night on the beach. It no longer frightened me. Instead it filled me with such excitement, as I became aware of the promise of what was before us, and what all this could lead to.

I raised my head and looked down at her, and saw the radiance of her shy smile. I knew she felt it too. It was as if her face was even more lovely than before.
"I love you, Alison", I said reverently, and gently brushed some hair from off her face.
"Oh Peter," she smiled, "I love you too. I've loved you for such a long time. I can't believe it's actually happening to us. Is this for real, or am I dreaming?"

"Yes, Darling, it's for real", I replied and kissed her again. She was nearly so completely mine, and I couldn't quite believe it either. It was so different to when I was with Assumpta. She was taken before we'd spent any real time alone together. At a moment of such happiness, I felt sad that Assumpta and I had never had the opportunity to get to know each other properly.

"You know, I've prayed and prayed that you would grow to love me a little," she said. "I've loved you so much, ever since I first met you at Sarah and David's engagement party. It must've been love at first sight. I knew from the moment that we were introduced, that you were someone very special.

"You did?" I said incredulously. "I suppose I started to fall in love with you then too. Your smile and your voice nearly bowled me over, but I didn't recognise it for what it was. I suppose it was probably too soon after Assumpta and everything. Even now I feel a bit as if I'm being disloyal to her, feeling how I do about you."

She took my face in her hands and looked me in the eye.
"Peter, I'm sorry, I don't want to take her place in your heart", she said lovingly as only Alison could.
"You won't", I smiled, "You have your own special place. I admit there'll always be a special place in my heart for Assumpta, and all the friends I left behind in Ireland, but you are my future now."
I put my arm around her and we sat in companionable silence, enjoying the beauty of our surroundings and the new direction our relationship had taken.

We decided to walk through the Wetlands enclosure which was full of all sorts of native water birds that have decided that this location is their idea of paradise. A raised boardwalk allowed us to walk easily with our arms around each other, and still get a good view of many of the different birds. They included water hens (coots), a number of different species of duck and several pairs of black swans that had half a dozen little cygnets swimming behind them.

Afterwards were did a quick walk through an area set aside for kangaroos and wallabies, as well as emus that were very cheeky. One came up and tried to peck a tissue out of Alison's hand, thinking it was food.

As it had turned out to be such a special day, I asked Alison if I could take her out to dinner. She agreed, and I insisted that I drive. We drove home to get changed and I booked us into the best restaurant I could think of, the revolving one on the top of Black Mountain. I was feeling very excited, and an idea had started to form in my mind. I decided that tonight was exactly the right time to give Alison one of the items of jewellery I'd brought back from the gemfields on my holiday. Phyllis gave me a rather piercing look and raised her eyebrows when I came out dressed up in my best outfit. I didn't say much, only smiled and told her where I was going, since I'd asked to borrow her car.

The meal was delicious and the atmosphere intimate. The view outside was spectacular, as we rotated above the city below. Because I'd insisted on driving tonight, I took it all very carefully. I'd thrown in a thick warm blanket and a rubber-backed ground rug. I think Alison was able to relax a little towards the end of our journey, although she didn't say a lot, and seemed a bit tense while I was driving.

When we'd finished the meal and our coffee, I drove the car to a parking spot I'd noticed on my previous visit. It was just off the road and below the tower, and had a clear view over the city. I parked the car and took out the rugs, then led us down a path to a clearing that looked out over the lake and all the flood-lit public buildings. It looked like fairyland spread out before us.

I dropped the rugs and took Alison in my arms and kissed her. Then I pulled away a little, and took her hands in mine and looked her in the eye. "Alison, this afternoon I said that I believed that you were my future now. I love you more than life itself." I went down on one knee, and looked up into her beautiful face.
"Will you share my future? Will you marry me and spend the rest of your life with me?" I asked her. She bent down and took my face between her warm hands.
"I love you, Peter Clifford", she said, grinning from ear to ear. "Yes, Yes please, I do want to marry you, and spend the rest of our lives together."

I pulled the little box out of my pocket and took the ring out. "I hope you like it?" I said as I slipped it onto her finger.
"Oh Peter, it's beautiful", she said as she held it up in the moonlight.
"When did you get it? It's an amethyst isn't it? It's a bit hard to see the colour".
I assured her that it was an amethyst, and admitted that I'd actually bought it in Queensland on my trip. I said that I hoped that she'd like something different to a diamond.
"Peter, you dark horse. I thought this afternoon was all spontaneous and unexpected. This ring makes me suspect that you were planning this all along."
I explained how I'd bought it on the spur of the moment at the gemfields, and that I hadn't necessarily bought it as an engagement ring at the time. However, it's rather symbolic of our relationship. It hasn't exactly gone smoothly and logically either. I'd bought the ring just as spontaneously as I had made the decision to ask her to marry me. I drew her into my arms and
kissed her, and she returned it, full of promise of a wonderful future together.

After awhile, I pulled away a little. "Do you think we should we go home so I can ask your father?" I asked.
Alison laughed and said that he wasn't that old fashioned, but it would be good to go home and tell them.

When we drove up the drive, I noticed that John's car was parked there. That meant that both families were here together, so that was rather nice. They were having coffee when we walked in. They looked at us expectantly. "Hi, Err. Alison and I have something..., I mean, I've come to ask Geoff and Lorraine..", I started.
Alison cut in.
"What he's trying to say is that tonight I've agreed to...,  Well, we've got engaged is what we're trying to say."

"Phew! Finally", said Geoff. They didn't looked very surprised, but they were all very pleased, and came over to hug and kiss us. It seems that John and Phyllis had guessed something special had happened today when I came home and got changed into something good and asked to borrow the laser. Phyllis confessed that she'd had a premonition about it. So after dinner she
rang Geoff and Lorraine who'd also noticed something. So they'd decided to get together and speculate on the outcome. While Geoff got out a bottle of Champagne he'd put into the freezer an hour ago, just in case, Lorraine insisted I ring Steve.

He was only just getting up (at noon), after a late night. He nearly dropped the phone when I told him. He was wondering if he'd heard right at first. He said he couldn't wait to get out here in a few weeks and check Alison out. He congratulated us, and accused me (his shy little brother), of being a fast worker, now I was no longer a priest. I tried to explain that although to him it seemed awfully quick, to us it felt very right.

At least everyone is happy about it. Geoff and Lorraine couldn't be nicer, and when Ben arrived home he showed how pleased he was. From their comments it was clear that they'd all seen it coming. Our announcement hasn't come as a complete surprise to anyone, except maybe to ourselves.
 

Sun. 1 November

I really wanted to go to mass this morning, to give thanks for this great joy I've been given. I asked God to bless our relationship, and to please continue showing us what he wants us to do.

On the way home, I asked the Taylors to drop me off at Alison's house. I promised I'd be home in time for the roast lunch Phyllis was preparing for us and Sarah and David who were coming over. Alison and I talked for awhile, but I had to go home as I didn't want to be late for our Sunday lunch. I asked Alison to come over this afternoon so she could talk to Sarah and
David, although she confessed that she'd already rung Sarah this morning with the news.

Sarah and David's reaction was no different to anyone else's. They were very pleased, but not at all surprised. I told them we hadn't had time to make any other plans yet. All in all it was a very happy and relaxed afternoon. We make a great foursome, which is nice.
 

Mon. 9 November

It really came home to me today how privileged I've been, growing up with you and Dad in a caring middle-class family. I was able to go to University, study what I wanted, and generally mixed with similar people. Then on to the seminary, where again I was protected from most of the squalor and despair. Until now I've mostly been sheltered from seeing this side of life. Even in
Manchester, our church was not in the roughest part.

Today I've come to realise that some children in developed western countries, grow up in practically third world conditions. I've never been as exposed to the hopelessness of poverty as I have here.

I met Damian today at Trinity College. He's been suffering from long term bullying, but hasn't reported it because he didn't think anyone could help him. He'd been threatened that the tormenting would get worse if he told, so he'd just been putting up with it for most of the year. The situation was reported by a teacher who'd come across him being stood over while she was on yard duty.

Damian has very low self esteem. He's 13, in his first year in secondary school. According to his Primary School records, he's been the victim of bullying since his first years at school.

His family is very poor; both parents are unemployed and he is the eldest of six children. His father has both a drinking and a gambling problem, and his mother has only a limited level of education, and is practically illiterate. She doesn't go out of the house very much.

The children get their school books and uniforms free, but often come to school hungry, without having had breakfast, and with no lunch. The schools that the children go to are aware of the problem, and try to help. However, it's difficult for help to be given discretely, and this becomes the focus of some of the taunts by others.

When talking to the bullies, it is clear that they too have problems. However, they are growing up and handling their inadequacies in a different, but equally destructive way. I found it hard to get through to Damian, to try to empower him to stand up for himself. We have to try to break behaviour patterns that attract bullying and that he's learned over most of his life.

Similarly, Luke the bully I spoke to today, has constantly experienced violence and bullying from an autocratic father, and three older brothers. At home he is the weakling the others torment, so at school he looks for someone who appears weaker than himself, and he dishes out the same treatment. It's nearly impossible to break these behaviour patterns, when they have been developed over such a long time, and are constantly being reinforced at home.

When I went back to the Centacare office after school finished, I had a talk to Meg, my boss, about Damian and his family. I wanted to know what was being done. I asked why Damian and his siblings weren't removed from such a neglectful family.

Meg patiently explained that firstly the child doesn't usually want to be removed from a situation that is familiar to them. Secondly it's often difficult to prove emotional neglect. She said it was usually much easier to intervene if there is physical abuse because it's visible and can be photographed and proven. Thirdly, there is a terrible shortage of suitable foster families available.
"Good foster care is nearly impossible to find", she said.

It was pointed out to me that when a child is removed, he or she often finds it very difficult to fit in, because of the long experience in learning the ways of the dysfunctional family they've come from.
"In some cases", Meg said "it can take years before such a child will trust other adults. Most people just don't have the patience to spend a whole year or more trying to get through to such a child."

My heart goes out to Damian and others like him. I hope as I get established in my job, I'll be able to help some of these children.
 

Tues. 10 November

Netball was great. We won well, and again I felt I was contributing. The whole team gave me a pat on the back when we finished. It was a nice end to another difficult day at work.

Alison told me that Lisa is going to move into her house tomorrow. She going to stay for a few days to see how it works out. If they all get on, then it may end up as an official fostering arrangement until the end of the year, when it will be reviewed.

I thought about it all evening. The problem seems so big. It's impossible for one person to make much impact. I'm really impressed how Geoff and Lorraine are doing their bit. It's going cut down on their freedom to suddenly have a teenager in the house. I think their offer will make a big difference to Lisa's life and her future.
 

Thurs. 12 November

Jason is the second child, and his older brother has already been in and out of the Youth Detention Centre, over the last five years. Jason has managed to stay out of serious trouble so far, but lately it looks like he may be heading the same way, although he says it's not what he wants.

At the weekend he was caught in a stolen car, with his older brother and his mates. None of them had driver's licenses, and they wrecked the car by running it into a brick wall.

I got speak to Jason today. Our conversation went something like this:
"Hi Jason, I'm Peter Clifford. How are you?"
"Hello" gruffly, head down, arms crossed, not looking me in the eye.
"I've been asked to talk to you about what happened at the weekend."
"Yeah". No other response.
"What does that mean Jason?" I asked pleasantly.
"Yeah, I was there."
"Why? Why were you there? Do you want to tell me about it?" I asked, hoping to get him talking.
"Dunno"
"You're saying you don't know how come you were there?"
"Yeah, 'suppose so". Hands in pockets, head still down.
I tried again.
"So, what happened? Who were you with before you got in the car?"
"I'as with Jonno, me friend; then me brother Darren and a couple of his mates drove up and asked me to go with them."
"So Jonno didn't go with you? Why was that?" I asked casually.
"Well, for a start there w's no room for 'im, but he doesn't do that sort'a thing anyway."
"You're saying, Jonno, doesn't go for joyrides in cars?"
"Nah, his Dad'd kill 'im."
"Your mother didn't kill you for going in the car?" I queried
"Nah, only for getting' caught. She sez people with cars're insured and get the cash back anyway."
I could see I had a problem here with a conflict in values and ethics.
"But Jonno doesn't think it's OK to steal cars." I observed.
"Nah, he doesn't need t'. His Mum an' Dad have a car and take 'im places and pick 'im up."
"Yeah, I see", I replied thoughtfully. "It's really hard when you've got to get places and you don't have a car. What about the buses?"
He looked at me with scorn, as if I didn't have too much up top.
"Ya got t' have ticket or cash for the bus for starters." He pointed out, finally actually looking straight at me.
"Anyway" he shrugged, "Darren sez only nerds use buses when they can drive where they wanna go."

I definitely had my work cut out here. I'd read on his file that a few weeks ago, Jason had been caught shoplifting, so I decided to ask him about it while I'd got him talking.
"yeah, that's when I tried to nick some Nike shoes like the kids in the cool group at school have. Mum sez she can't afford such fancy things, so I tried to nick 'em instead, only I got caught.

Jason made me realise how hard it was for kids in this age group, trapped in the poverty cycle. They want to belong, but to belong you have to fit in, which these days means 'Nike' shoes, a certain brand of jeans, and listening to the 'in' type of music. If there's no money or support at home, what hope have these kids got?

I talked to Jason a little longer, then let him go back to class. I wondered how seeing him for half an hour, once a week, was going to help him see that following in his father and probably his brother into a life of crime is not his best option.

Jason was on my mind when I phoned Alison tonight. I told her how I wanted to help kids like Jason, but what could I do in the time available? I told her how pleased I was that she and her family were helping Lisa.

Alison then told me about Lisa's friend Rachel, who she often stays with. Rachel's mother is a drug addict and occasional prostitute, and has been most of Rachel's life. Rachel was actually removed from her mother's care on two occasions when she was little. Both times her mother was able to get off drugs, and so was able to get Rachel back. Unfortunately, each time she's
got off the habit, she's gone back on when she's had to face a crisis in her life.

Now their roles are practically reversed, and Rachel often has to look after her mother. Twice in the last three years, Rachel's found her mother unconscious from an accidental overdose, and has had to call an ambulance. She regularly has to try and get hold of her mother's money before it's shot up her arm, so she can buy food or pay the rent. She's even been able to argue total control of her Austudy allowance from which she often has to buy food for both of them.

"These kids are too young for such responsibility" I said to Alison when she told me. "They're being robbed of their childhood." She agreed with me. What is needed is more foster families that can give these kids a place where they're loved and nurtured.

After I'd hung up I kept thinking about kids like Jason, Lisa and Rachel. I prayed about them, and asked God to show me what I could do. Maybe I could run some sort of program at their schools to help them. Somehow, I suspect they wouldn't come. It would have to be done outside school time, where there was no stigma attached to being involved.
 

Fri. 13 November

Like last week, we bought something then brought it home to eat. Friday night is developing into a quiet night at home, where we relax together and unwind from our busy week. We talked some more about these young people who'd touched us this week. Lisa has settled in well. She now has somewhere she can stay safely, and yet she's free to visit her mother when she wishes. Rachel really needs to have somewhere that she can go whenever she needs a break from her responsibilities.

I talked about Damian and Jason. Each is trying to survive with poverty, but both in very different ways, and yet both ways are heading them into very uncertain futures.
"At least our children will know they're treasured," I said, pulling Alison close and kissing her. "I can't wait for us to be together and start a family".
"Hey, children don't just turn up. There are certain steps we have to go through before we get to that stage," she reminded me.
"Yeah, that's something I've been thinking about this week," I replied.

She sat up and looked at me with a strange puzzled expression on her face. I explained how frustrated I found it, having to say goodnight everyday. I told her that I wanted to be with her all the time. If we have evening work now, we have to separate and go home. If we lived together we could do our work and still be together. "If we get a big enough place, maybe Lisa could live with us", I added.

Alison gently stroked my face and kissed me briefly. She said that she wanted to be with me too, but didn't think that living together was the answer for us. She explained that although I'd given up the priesthood, she thought for us to 'live in sin' wasn't right. She believed that we should stick to the church's teaching on this, even though we didn't condemn it when other people chose to. She added that she didn't think it would be right to have Lisa living with us, if we weren't married.

We sat together on the couch for a long while, with Alison's head resting comfortably on my shoulder, while a tape played quietly in the background. After our discussion I felt a bit confused. I felt a lot of conflicting emotions. I wanted Alison to be mine, completely in every way, but I was hesitating in making a commitment to marry her and set a date.

Was I having the same silly doubts that Ambrose had? Or was it just too soon after Assumpta's death, like I'd let Alison believe? I'm not sure what my problem is, but we parted a bit sadly. I think Alison would like us to marry as soon as possible, but all this change seems to be happening so fast. I haven't any doubts, but I'm still not ready to talk about weddings and all
that.
 

Sat. 14 November

There's a substantial inheritance in England from the sale of your house, Mum. It would have to be at least enough for a large deposit on a house here. If we pick a suitable house, we might be able to help at least a couple of teenagers to have a stable and loving home to go to at night.

It was 4 o'clock in the morning when I'd first thought of the idea. I couldn't wait to discuss it with Alison. I got up and prayed earnestly about it, asking God to show me clearly if this was part of his plan for me. I went back to bed, and must've fallen asleep again, because when I woke up a second time it was light and the sun was well up.

I got up and quickly showered and dressed. I gave Alison a ring while I was having breakfast, and told her I was coming over as there was something I wanted to talk to her about.
"What's wrong, Peter?" she asked anxiously when I drove up.
"Nothing. There's nothing wrong." I answered with a big smile. "I want you to come for a drive with me; I want to talk to you about something. Get a coat, as it's a bit chilly, and come now."
I decided to go back to our special spot below the Black Mountain tower to discuss my plan with her. She kept pumping me for information the whole way there, but I said she had to wait. When we parked. I got our faithful rug out of the car and took it to the same spot where I'd proposed. When we'd sat down, I told her how during the night I'd had this idea. But it could only happen if she was in complete agreement with it.

Carefully I explained how I expected to have a reasonable inheritance back in England, and what I wanted to do was buy a big house, with a big yard, so we could give some needy kids like Lisa somewhere safe to live. What did she think?

"You realise, Peter", she said, "that we'll never be allowed to do it unless we're married".
"Yeah, well I've been trying to figure out why I haven't suggested a date yet." I replied. "Now this gives us an excuse not to have a long engagement." She looked a bit puzzled.
"So what do you suggest we do?" She asked.

So it explained what I'd been thinking about this morning while I was under the shower. I definitely would like Steve to be present at our wedding. He would be out here for a month, from just before Christmas. I asked Alison what she thought about getting married immediately after Christmas, when Steve was still in Australia. Could she get organised in less than two months? She said she thought so.

"You do realise, if we go ahead with this foster care idea, it means not starting out our married life alone, I pointed out to her.
"Oh Peter", she said, throwing her arms around me. "It's so like you. I think it's a fantastic idea. I've been worrying quite a bit about foisting Lisa onto Mum and Dad, and then talking about getting married. I really like the idea. I didn't realise your inheritance would be enough for a house."

I explained to her that I didn't know how much there was exactly, but that I was sure there was enough for a good deposit on something suitable. I also told her how I believed that this idea was part of God's plan for us. Alison agreed that it very likely was, as everything seemed to be pointing us in this direction.

So there in the bush, beside the road and overlooking the city, we held each other's hands, and knelt together and prayed. We dedicated ourselves to God's work, and asked that He guide us in all our plans. We asked Him to lead us to a suitable house if that's what He wanted.

It was only then that we came together and embraced. It was such a long, loving kiss, full of the promise of a wonderful future together. We sat on the rug and talked for over an hour. Christmas Day being a Friday meant that the first suitable day was Saturday, 2 January. Alison said she didn't think it was too soon, so we decided to go back to her house and talk to Lorraine
and Geoff about it.

We found Lorraine and asked her what she thought, then Geoff came over and joined in the discussion too. Alison said that she'd like to get married in the Bundarra Catholic Church, and would ask her school chaplain the marry us. I was really pleased with that suggestion. Alison isn't catholic, but I very much wanted to marry in a Catholic church.

Lorraine suggested they hire a marquee for their large backyard, then bring in professional caterers. We all agreed on Saturday 2 January, eight days after Christmas, as a good date. I'm going to ask Steve to be my Best Man, and Alison's going to ask Sarah to be her chief bridesmaid. She laughed when she realised she'd actually be getting married before Sarah now, and she'd
have to be Sarah's 'Matron of Honour'. We made a list of all the things that would have to be done. By midday we had all the basics planned.

I'm not all that fussed about these wedding arrangements, but if its what I have to do, to have Alison as my wife, then I suppose I've got to go through with it, and put on a brave face. I'd put up with an awful lot to make her happy, and by the looks of her, I seem to have done that. I know that now I've taken the first step, I'm very happy about what's happened. I suppose I'd better ring Steve and ask him to be my Best Man.