Sat. 5 Sept.

There were a lot of stalls already set up when we arrived. Some just consisted of a small table, maybe with a sun umbrella to keep the spring sunshine off their produce. Others had set up a tent, with their goods displayed on larger trestle tables inside.

The majority of the stalls featured handcrafts or produce from the local people. There was a stall selling watercolour paintings. Another had all sorts of articles made of fabric, and another had only leather wear. I bought a new leather belt there, and one for Steve for Christmas. I know it's a bit early, but when the time comes, I never seem to be able to find something suitable.

Another stall had some very nice pottery. I'm going to keep an eye open for something that Phyllis needs, and see if I can get down here alone next month. The large serving platter was one thing that caught my eye. The colours of the glaze were shades of beige and brown with a touch of blue, which I think would nicely compliment the colours Phyllis has in the house.

There were two stalls that were selling vegetables, a large selection of jams, pickles and chutneys, as well as potted plants. I thought they were all very reasonably priced. John explained that in summer and autumn he often sold his honey and excess garden produce through one of these stalls.

A busker was singing to his guitar over one side, and over on the opposite side there was a young girl aged about 10 or 12, playing a violin next to her open violin case. The whole atmosphere was one of a relaxed and friendly community. In some ways it reminded me a bit of BallyK, and the Irish festivals I experienced in my time there. I don't think they're going to crown a ram though.

We sat down at one of the tables that were set out in the warm spring sunshine, and ordered a coffee and some homemade cakes. Phyllis took a tube of sunscreen cream out of her bag, and after putting some on her face, neck and arms, insisted I do the same, especially since I hadn't brought a hat.

She explained that the thinning of the ozone layer was a particular problem in spring, in Australia. Being so close to Antarctica, above which the phenomena was first discovered, we need to take care. However, as long as I keep reapplying the sunscreen, wear a hat and a T-shirt, and try to stay out of the sun as much as possible during the middle of the day, I should have no worries, she said. I'm glad to hear that, because nothing's going to stop me going to the cricket in the summer with Steve.

While we were having our coffee, many people who walked past, knew John and Phyllis, and stopped for a chat. I was introduced to so many people, it's impossible to recall all their names. I was surprised how many remembered me from the party last Saturday night, and asked how I was settling in.

We went home for an early lunch of a quiche bought from one of the stalls, so that John could take me to watch a rugby game. John is a keen follower of the local team, as are many other people in the district, I found out.

Today the local team was playing against one from Sydney, in the first round of the finals. John was pleased that he'd been able to get seats undercover, because rain was forecast for later in the afternoon. I was pleased too, especially as the match continues no mater what the weather. Geoff and Ben Gibson arrived just as we were ready, so we all headed off in the car to the outdoor stadium in Canberra.

The local team played well, inspite of constant rain through the whole second half. Unfortunately they weren't good enough on the day, and lost; so they are now out of the competition. The victors will continue on to the next round, with the Grand Final in 3 weeks time. Watching the team's supporters I can see that the Australian football fans are no different, and just as enthusiastic as those in England or Ireland. As for me, watching the rain teeming down, I miss proper football, and I'm looking forward to watching the cricket in summer.
 

Sun. 6 Sept.

Living in Manchester I'd experienced snow of course, but I'd never really associated Australia with snow. I was rather curious what I'd find. David informed me that Australia actually had a greater area of land under snow in winter than do the Swiss Alps. However, the Australian Alps are no-where near as high, and most of the snow is gone by summer. In fact, Mt. Kosciuszko, Australia's highest peak is only 2228 metres high, compared to the Jungfrau and Mont Blanc which are both over 4000 metres high.

After some discussion, we decided to invite Alison to make up a foursome. We agreed to go just for the day, and to go by bus. That way there was no driving in heavy traffic, nor snow chains etc. to worry about. The price included the bus fare, ski hire, a 'free' ski lesson and an all-day-pass on the lifts and tows.

The bus left at 7am. We naturally split into two pairs on the bus, so I had an enjoyable morning getting to know Alison better. She teaches mainly science, specialising in Ecology and Environmental Studies. So she was able to explain lots of interesting things about the countryside we passed through, as we climbed up onto the Monaro Plateau, and then continued up into the Snowy Mountains.

As we passed through the new town of Jindabyne, Alison explained that the town was relocated to the present site in the 1960's, before the old town drowned under the present Lake Jindabyne. She said that the Snowy River, which used to flow south and into the southern ocean, was dammed as part of the Snowy Mountains Hydro-electric Scheme after the second World War. This water is now piped through the mountains into a series of lakes, and then into the large Murray River, which flows 2600 kilometres through three states, and then enters the ocean in South Australia.

The bus only went as far as the Bullocks Flat skitube terminal, where we collected the gear like skis and boots that we'd organised to hire. This underground train track was opened in 1988, and takes hikers (in summer) and skiers (in winter) straight into the midst of two of Australia's biggest ski resorts. It carries several thousand passengers per day in the peak season.

We boarded the train, and in a few minutes we were crossing the Thredbo River, then climbing steeply through spectacular stands of the tall eucalypt, Alpine Ash. Alison explained that the skitube, although protested about by environmentalists when it was first planned, has actually been a great success from an environmental point of view. By keeping many  isitors accommodated below the snowline at night, it prevented more accommodation having to be built in the fragile mountains above.

There was a spectacular view of the valley below, before we plunged into the darkness at 40 km/h. The skitube reminded me of Steve's stories of traveling in Switzerland, where the train goes up into the Eiger to the top of the Jungfrau Mountain.

The whole train trip took only 15 minutes. We had a choice of two ski resorts, the first is Australia's largest, Perisher Valley, which has 30 lifts operating from near the skitube terminal, that lead to over 100 km of runs. The second resort, Blue Cow, is newer but smaller, and is a further 5 minutes on the skitube. We'd decided that there was enough for us to do at Perisher, so we got off the train there. We had a good day. The weather was absolutely glorious, sunny and clear, but crisp and cold. We regularly reapplied our sunscreen, but I can see now that I've still got a bit burnt on my face. The ski lessons were helpful, and by lunch time I was able to successfully negotiate the nursery slopes, and come to a controlled stop most of the time.

It was Alison of course, who started the snowball fight. I was just congratulating myself on stopping at the bottom of the slope, after another successful decent, when the snowball hit me on the back of my head.

Well, I wasn't going to let her get away with it. I was determined to show her up, after she'd made me feel a bit foolish, needing to be rescued after my flat tyre. Being confident that I'd had more experience at snowball fights as a child than she did, I quickly scrapped together a ball of my own and aimed it at her. It caught her squarely on the chest, and she went over.

Between laughing at the surprise on her face, I was trying to unsuccessfully escape on my skis. David and Sarah came and joined in, and before I knew it, it was the girls against the boys. While Alison was getting up, and concentrating on what David was up to, I managed to sneak up on her and get an handful of snow down her back.

The girls then decided it needed both of them to get me back. David was no help what-so-ever. He just stood there and laughed at me trying to get away, and falling over my skis. While Sarah sat on top of me, Alison managed to get at least three handfuls of snow inside my shirt. I suppose I deserved it. It wasn't very comfortable until I'd managed to shake most of it out
before it melted.

We decided after our exertions to lash out and shout ourselves a hot lunch at one of the restaurants. The prices were a bit steep, but the food and wine was excellent. It's great when you don't have to worry about driving home. We'd chosen seats next to the full length windows, and the view across the slopes was magnificent. It all contributed to a great day.

After a relaxed lunch we spent the rest of the afternoon trying to snowboard. David was quite good, having skate-boarded a lot as a teenager. Alison also has good balance, and picked it up very quickly. Sarah and I had a lot of laughs and enjoyed ourselves, but definitely couldn't say we'd mastered it. Some people just seem to have all the talent.

We had a quick coffee to sustain us for the trip home, then caught the skitube back down the mountain, to where the bus was waiting for us. The trip home seemed to be much shorter than the trip this morning. Alison asked me why I'd become a priest, so I told her about studying Astronomy at Uni, and then going on to the seminary.

She asked me if I'd heard of the NASA Deep Space Tracking Station at Tidbinbilla, just out of Canberra. I hadn't, so she offered to take me there some time.

She explained that in 1969, when Neil Armstrong first stepped onto the moon, it was the Australian scientists who first received the radio signals, which they relayed on to the US, which was on the side of the Earth that faced the away from the moon at the time. I didn't know this, so I was quite interested to visit the place.

We were all quite tired after our early start and long physical exertions in the fresh mountain air. I could see that David and Sarah had both dropped off to sleep, and soon Alison followed them. When her head fell against my shoulder, she looked rather awkward, so I moved my arm so she could rest against my chest which was more comfortable. While she was unconscious, I could examine her features more closely. She has beautiful thick blonde hair that falls around her shoulders when she doesn't have it tied back. I noticed for the first time the longest and thickest eyelashes I've ever seen. She has a slightly up-turned nose, and high cheekbones. She's a very beautiful woman; in fact I've just realised who Alison reminds me of. It's the Australian model, Elle McPherson. She has a similar body, and the same sort of mischievous smile. I'm sure she could attract any man she wished. I felt rather self conscious having this lovely creature sleeping in my arms. I hope she won't think I've take liberty in making her more comfortable.

I must have dropped off too, because the next thing I remember is the bus slowing down at the first traffic lights in Canberra. I caught David looking at me, then he gave me a wink, behind the girls' backs. I wonder what those two are going to make of this when they're on their own tonight? I don't think I particularly want to be the subject of family gossip, but I don't see how I can avoid it. If I say anything it will only attract more attention, and anyway, what can I say?
 

Tues. 8 Sept

The displays included old antique wireless sets, 78rpm record players and even old TV sets. There are small theatrettes, done out as they would have been in your time Mum, where people can actually watch old Australian TV shows or movies, or listen to famous radio broadcasts, like Winston Churchill's declaration of war on Germany. A lot didn't mean much to me, but John had to be nearly dragged away when he got engrossed in one place. I did recognise some old footage from 'Neighbours' and 'Prisoner'.

It's here, where films (from 1890's to 1950) that were recorded on cellulose nitrate are preserved. The nitrate is unstable (and flammable) and decomposes after about 30 to 80 years, so the film has to be treated if it isn't to be lost forever. Many old films have now been produced on video and can be bought there. I found it a most interesting place to visit.
 

Thurs. 10 Sept.

It now houses a permanent portrait gallery, and several other displays. There's an excellent light and sound show, that traces Australian Parliamentary history from 1901 (when the former British Colonies became a federation of 6 states), to 1988.
 

Sat. 12 Sept.

These paintings have a simple but distinctive style. The most well-known Aboriginal art is the dot style, that's produced mainly in central Australia, around Alice Springs. All the paintings are based on their 'dreaming', which is the way the Aboriginal people explain their history, and relates their religion to their land.

Aboriginal artists from the northern part of Australia have a different  style, which again is unique and very interesting. Their paintings often feature animals, and may incorporate an X-ray view, showing the bones and other internal features. If I had a lot of money and a house, I'd probably buy some Australian Aboriginal artwork. I really enjoyed seeing this very different style of painting. While we were in the area, Phyllis took me to see the National Library. It consists of four floors of books. If you need a book, you have to ask for it at the main desk, then a staff member finds it for you and brings it down. It's obviously best to have ordered it beforehand, or you could be waiting a long time. In the foyer there were three large magnificent tapestries that
feature colourful native flowers and birds. In a side room there was an interesting historic display.
 

Sun. 13 September

For four weeks the large Commonwealth Park, and the lake shore that surrounds Regatta Point are completely transformed into a patchwork of swirls and other patterns of brightly coloured bulbs. There are mainly tulips, hyacinths and daffodils, under planted with pansies and other spring flowers, in the same colours as the bulbs above them.

Sarah, David and Alison decided to take me today. The whole thing was very well done, and because a lot of Australia doesn't have a suitable climate for these plants, the festival attracts visitors from all over the country. For me, it reminds me of similar displays I've seen in Britain, like in Spalding, but on a much bigger scale.

I really enjoyed the corner that was devoted to Australian native plants. I particularly liked the large red waratah, which is the state floral emblem of New south Wales. There were a number of species of wattle in flower, and I enjoyed seeing them with the red bottlebrush flowers and grevilleas. There were also small branches of eucalypts that were in flower, standing in buckets of water, so we could see these flowers that are usually too high up in the tree for us to see.

These plants are very different in appearance to those found in Europe. I was told that many of these plants have adapted themselves so that they need the heat from a fire to crack open their hard seed cases, before they can germinate when the rains come.

After spending the morning wandering up and down the paths, admiring the different patterns, we decided to have lunch in Manuka. This shopping centre made me think of Steve; its just the sort of place I'm sure he'd take D to. It has a good range of different shops, and is one of the original centres created about 1924, when Canberra was first being settled. Today it has a
number of trendy little restaurants and bistros, and also a couple of night clubs, making it a mecca for people who want to socialise or be seen.

In the middle of the day, I thought it was probably like what I'd expect Paris to be like; tables set out on the pavement, and a very relaxed atmosphere, as people chatted over good food. On the other side of the road was a large theatre complex, so that people could move freely from one to the other.
 

Wed. 16 September

The displays inside were very interesting. The large diaramas give a very good idea of what it must have been like to be involved in some of the action that is depicted. We spent about two hours there, but I'm sure that people for whom this means something personal, could spend a whole day there.
 

Friday 18 September.

As you walk through the rainforest, the plants gradually change from the large leafed subtropical plants, to those from more temperate climates and further on are those found only in the cooler south of Australia. Every few hours (timing depending on the heat of the day), fine automatic sprays come on, to simulate the constant rain showers of their natural environment.

Phyllis said that on a hot summer's day, there could be as much as 10oC difference in temperature in the rainforest, compared with other parts of the gardens.

The rock garden featured small native rock plants, many of which were in flower, surrounding a large pond. The eucalypt lawn displayed so many different eucalyptus trees, I didn't know so many existed. While we had some afternoon tea sitting on the veranda of the kiosk, Phyllis and John offered to take me walking in Namadgi National Park next week if I wanted to see
truly native plants in their natural environment. I accepted the offer. I'm not sure when I'll ever get to see these things again, if I don't take the opportunity now. I have this feeling that when I start whatever God has in mind for me, I'm not going to have a lot of free time be a tourist.

As we sat restoring our energy, I listened to the sounds of the different birds. There were a lot of medium sized black and white birds called 'magpies' around. They'd been well trained, and knew to check out the surroundings as a table became free. As soon as I'd thrown a few cake crumbs towards one, there were suddenly ten, looking at me with their sharp eyes, waiting for more. John said that there were a couple of fairly tame magpies that always joined him when he was digging in the garden. They were always hoping he'd unearth a worm for them. These gardens are definitely a bird's paradise with so many different trees and shrubs to choose from.

While we were at the foot of Black mountain, where the Botanic Gardens are, John suggested that we might as well drive up to the top and see Canberra from the Telstra Tower, which rises 195m above the top of Black mountain, which is over 800m above the city.

The tower was built in 1974, primarily for telecommunications, and is owned by Telstra. But a bonus is that it's spectacular views over the city and district, are a great tourist attraction. We inspected a large display featuring the history of telecommunications, in the foyer and on the floor below, before taking the lift up to the viewing platform.

The view was fantastic. We decided to have an early dinner in the revolving restaurant, while watching the sunset over Canberra. It was truly magic, watching the sun setting, and then the lights gradually coming on all over the city, as we slowly circled inside the tower. It's something I wish I could have shared with Assumpta. These magical moments need to be shared
with someone you love, and at these times I find myself withdrawing into my own thoughts and wishing things could have been different.

I tried to will her to come into my thoughts tonight, when I was alone. But I found it difficult to even imagine her face. I found that really scary, and it depressed me. I felt as if I was losing her. Mum, I can still see you in my mind's eye, why can't I see Assumpta?
 

Sat. 20 September

A catering company had been hired, that specialises in cooking meat on a spit. They'd started cooking during the afternoon, outside the hall. There were large cuts of different meats on a couple of rods that rotated above hot coals in a semi-enclosed drum. There was lamb, beef and pork to choose from. A disc jockey was on the stage, playing CD's and generally encouraging the young ones, and those young at heart, to dance. We arrived about 7 o'clock and the music had already started. Groups of young people were either dancing, standing around chatting or waiting to see who else they knew that was arriving.

We caught up with Geoff, who looked a bit frazzled. He said that everything seemed to be in hand, but he didn't look like it. The Gibsons employed two men from a security firm, to act as 'bouncers' to make sure only people who'd been invited to the party came in. It's sad that these sort of precautions need to be taken nowadays. I stood to one side and watched all the different interactions going on.

At eight o'clock there was a break in the dancing, so that dinner could be served. Everyone queued up and took a plate then went along to be served with several slices of meat of their choice, and some gravy. We then moved on to the tables where there were large bowls of different salads and other dishes to help ourselves from.

While we were eating, we were entertained by Alison, and the band she played with in her Uni. days. They sang a number of songs including hits spread out over the last four decades. I particularly enjoyed Petula Clark's hit 'Downtown', The Seekers 'Colours of my Life', and  'Age of  Reason' and 'Two strong Hearts' both by Australian singer, John Farnham. She has an amazing voice, very powerful yet sweet.

When most people had finished eating, the disc jockey took over again, and many took to the dance floor once more. I watched the caterers cleaning up and preparing to set out the desserts. I went over to the side to get a drink. I was feeling a bit lonely and sorry for myself, and again wishing that things had gone differently in my life.

I was pleased when Alison came over for a chat. I told her how much I enjoyed her singing, and asked if she'd ever considered doing it professionally. She explained that at one time she'd dreamt of a singing career, but she was aware of how difficult it was to break in, and the lack of security it gave. So in the end she opted for a more conventional life, with a regular guaranteed income. She said now she could choose when she wanted sing, and wasn't forced to accept any gig she didn't want to.

When I noticed Sarah and David on the floor, I wanted to ask Alison to dance, but after six years as a priest I couldn't gather the courage. Then it was too late;  a rather tall, good looking young man came up and whisked her away. I watched all the smiling couples on the floor, and wished I'd had the confidence to ask her, and join them.

After dessert I was chatting to Sarah and David when Alison joined us. We hadn't been talking long when the disc jockey announced that the next bracket songs were love songs for all the couples present. The first was 'Unchained Melody'. This apparently is a favourite of Sarah's and she wanted to dance to it, so they excused themselves, leaving Alison and I together.
We looked at each other, it seemed very natural for us to join them.

Luckily as a child, my parents felt that it was part of a proper education, for Steve and I to learn to dance. So I felt quite confident as I took Alison's elbow and lead her onto the floor. She was as light as thistle down in my arms as I maneuvered her around all the others on the floor. The second song was 'Love is all around'. As the words began, I felt, looking at all the other couples on the floor, that love was all around.

I feel it in my fingers, I feel it in my toes.
Love is all around me, and so the feeling grows.
It's written on the wind, it's everywhere I go.
So if you really love me, come on and let it show.

The feeling reminded me of when Assumpta came to me in the haystack. It actually seemed as if it was Assumpta in my arms. I felt that same intense love; it was all a bit scary. The words continued.

You know I love you, I always will.
My mind's made up by the way that you feel.
It's no beginning, there'll be no end,
'cos on my love you can depend.

I see your face before me, as I lay on my bed.
I cannot get to thinking of all the things you've said.
You gave your promise to me, I gave mine to you.
I need someone beside me in everything I do.

I felt as if I was in a trance as the song finished. Was Assumpta trying to say something to me? I looked at Alison and smiled, but I couldn't read what she was thinking. The next song started, and Alison moved back into my arms. It was the love song 'True Love ways' made famous by Peter and Gordon in the 1960's; and we danced to the words:

Just you know why, why you and I,
Will bye and bye, know true love ways.
Sometimes we'll sigh, sometimes we'll cry,
And you know why, just you and I
Know true love ways.
Throughout the day, our true love ways,
Will bring us joys to share with those who really care.

We moved slowly in time to the music, as the words repeated themselves.

The last song of the bracket was the 1970 hit by Elvis, 'The Wonder of You'. I hope it's an omen, I do feel the need for someone to love and understand me, I miss Assumpta so.

When on one else can understand me, when every thing I do is wrong,
You give me hope and consolation; you give me strength to carry on.
You're always there to lend a hand in everything I do,
That's the wonder, the wonder of you.

I prayed to Assumpta while I was dancing with Alison in my arms, telling her how much I miss the support she gave me on so many occasions in BallyK. I felt tears welling up and I dared not look at Alison.

And when you smile, the world is brighter. You touch my hand and I'm a king.
Your kiss to me is worth a fortune; your love for me is everything.
I guess I'll never know the reason why you love me as you do;
That's the wonder, the wonder of you.

Near the end I forced myself to come back to earth. I told myself sternly that I was here in Australia, and I had no choice but to get on with my life. I had to look forward, and not hanker after what might have been. When the song finished I thanked Alison, but she looked at me a bit puzzled and unsure of what to say. I tried to explain my unexpected emotion, by saying that these songs had brought back some sad memories.

I was relieved when a few minutes later John came to find me, to let me know that he and Phyllis were going home. They said that they didn't mind if I wanted to stay until midnight when the party officially finished. But after my unsettling thoughts on the dance floor, I felt quite happy to leave then too. So we found Geoff, Lorraine and Ben, and thanked them for a lovely evening.

I'd heard that after midnight, Ben and those of his mates who'd turned 18, were going into Civic (commercial centre of Canberra), for Ben to go to his first night club. As we were leaving I heard Lorraine giving Ben strict instructions about keeping safe and being home by 3 am. A friend who'd promised not to drink, was assuring Ben's parents that he'd bring Ben home
safely. It gave me a new insight into the responsibilities of being a parent of today's teenagers. I wonder how Padraig is coping with Kevin as he grows up?
 

Tues. 22 September

I felt it was a bit sad that nothing permanent was left of this famous site. John explained that a few years ago it had all been dismantled. A lot what was still usable was moved, and is still being used at the Deep Space Tracking Station at Tidbinbilla about 40 kilometres away. He said that vandals had started to wreck things, and as there wasn't a need to have more than one site operating, this tracking station was completely removed.

We each carried a small day pack containing a water proof jacket, in case of a sudden change in weather, sandwiches for lunch, some snacks and plenty of drinks. We set off along a track, our destination being Booroomba Rocks, a large granite outcrop that gave us a spectacular view of much of the Canberra region, 60 km away.

We sat enjoying the view as we ate some of our refreshments, then climbed down again to continue on our walk. The weather was very pleasant, perfect for walking. The forecast was for a top temp. of 17oC, and I think that's what it was today. The sky was clear and sunny, with a smell of spring in the air.

While in the suburbs it was obviously spring, with the bright green leaves coming out on all the deciduous trees, and the bulbs at their peak, here in the almost unspoiled natural bush, the signs were more subtle. All the native flora is evergreen, but the yellow wattle flowers are in abundance, and there are heaths and many other small plants in flower. Also there's lots of bright green grass coming up everywhere. John said that by Christmas it'll have all died off to a brown, golden yellow colour.

We disturbed a group of kangaroos grazing on the fresh green grass. I was amused to watch a small joey leap away from me, then tumble head first into its mother's pouch. It somersaulted inside the pouch, then poked its head out to look at me from its place of safety.

Another amusing sight was a second joey nibbling the grass, while it was still in its mother's pouch. It did this while the mother was eating too. It looked far too big for the poor mother kangaroo. A large male was stopped nearby, leaning back on it's tail, and watching us.

About a kilometre further on we came across an echidna (a monotreme, that with the platypus, are the only representatives of this group of egg-laying mammals), that was ambling along on our track. When we came up to it, it ran a short distance away, then started to try and dig a hole to escape. With its back covered in spiky quills like a hedgehog, there was no way we'd even
consider touching it. It's a unique animal, and I felt privileged to have seen it. John explained that the echidna is actually quite a common animal, and isn't endangered, like some other native animals are. When we passed through a treed area, we saw evidence of the nocturnal wombats that leave their droppings on the top of rocks and logs as a way of marking their territory.

We stopped for lunch by a creek. I thought that it was amazing that we hadn't seen anyone else on our walk. John explained that it would be busier if it was a weekend or school holidays. After lunch, we followed the creek downstream for about a kilometre, then struck east across country until we came across a track that took us back to where we'd left the car.
 

Wed. 23 September.

Alison answered the phone. Their power was off too, and as she was also on her own, she offered to come over to keep me company. She said that she'd bring a torch and some candles. I accepted her offer gratefully. It's not until the power goes off that you realise how much you take it for granted, and rely on it.

I went outside and looked at the stars, while I waited for her. It's really strange how they look so different here, compared to the northern hemisphere; and they're so clear. On a dark night like tonight, the Milky Way stands out clearly as a pale band across the sky. This must be more like the way the early civilizations saw them, before industrialization put so much light from outdoor lighting into the sky.

I didn't have to wait long. In a few minutes I could see a pair of headlights coming up the road from the Gibson's house a kilometre away. I boiled some water in a saucepan on the gas stove for us to have a cup of coffee, which we took outside onto the veranda.

I pointed out to Alison how here in Australia the constellation 'Orion', the hunter, stands on his head. Alison showed me how Orion's belt and sword are often referred to here as 'the saucepan', where the sword is its long handle, and his belt the saucepan's base. That made good sense to me, seeing it from this angle.

She pointed out the famous Southern Cross, and showed me how students are taught to find the South Celestial Pole (the point in the sky about which all the starts rotate) by extending the long axis of the cross 4½ times. In the northern hemisphere we have a star on this spot that we call the pole star, so it's much easier to find the North Celestial Pole.

We continued talking about how life in Australia differed to that in Britain. We both agreed there were probably more similarities than differences. The lights came back on about 9.30pm. Alison said that she'd have to go because she still had some marking she needed to finish by tomorrow. I thanked her again for coming. She left me her torch in case the power should go off again.

I'm glad she didn't ask me to explain my strange emotions on Saturday while we were dancing. I still haven't worked it all out in my own mind. The other night I dreamt about Assumpta (as I still do so often), but I found that Assumpta changed into Alison during the dream. One minute I was walking along a beautiful lake in Ireland with Assumpta, the next minute it was Alison's face looking up at me. It was really weird, because they're really very different in both personality and appearance.
 

Fri. 25 September

I'm in Sydney at present, staying with Andrew and Maree. We left Elouera early this morning, to drive up for John to fit in an extra doctor's appointment, before going to Europe. By noon John was finished, so we chose to walk around 'The Rocks', the part of Sydney where the first white people settled in Australia in 1788.

Originally the place would have been covered in tents; but many of the permanent buildings that replaced them have been restored, and now it's a pleasant place for visitors to roam and fossick out interesting objects to buy and take home. After eating lunch at one of the outdoor cafes, and finishing our exploration of the area, we took the monorail to Darling Harbour.

This is another historic site that has been restored, and is now a mecca for tourists. We went through the very interesting Maritime Museum and nearby Aquarium, but once I'd seen it I wouldn't choose to go back. I prefer a simple life, sharing it with those I love. I'm not really into tourist things. We had dinner with Andrew and Maree, and they had some exciting news that
they'd been saving up for a few days, so that they could share it with John and Phyllis in person. They are expecting their first child next year, in late April. The joy on their faces reminded me of when Niamh announced her pregnancy, and Siobhan too. It really was quite a shock for Brendan at first. I wonder if they'll ever marry? Their baby should've been born by now. I wonder how it all went, and if they had a boy or a girl?
 

Sat. 26 September

Sun. 27 September.

I was told that no visit to the Blue Mountains was complete without a ride on the aerial cable car the Skyway. I have to admit that the view of the waterfall and the cliffs from the cable car was breath taking, and well worth doing.

At present we are staying in one of the old restored guest houses, that was a favourite holiday destination of the well to do middle class in the early part of the century. The house smells of old leather and bees wax. It's rather quaint, but an interesting experience. The evening meal was excellent, and the company mainly older but interesting.
 

Mon. 28 September

After a pleasant lunch, we thanked our hosts and prepared to drive to the nearby town of Oberon, then take a quiet back road, 130 kms through some forest and farm land to Goulburn where we joined the highway once more to go home. After the narrow road that was still gravel in places, it was nice to reach civilization again. I was amazed that so close to Sydney, there are still areas that are isolated, without good roads linking them to major centres.

When we got home, Alison met us at the door. She'd been staying at the Taylor's house to look after the animals while we'd been away. She reported that all was well, and that her mother had sent over a casserole that was still fairly hot, for our dinner. This is what I like, and hope to always be part of in the future; people caring about others. I know that John and Phyllis look after the Gibson's property and their animals when they're away. Leaving a ready cooked meal to greet the travellers on their return is what Phyllis would do too, I expect. It reminded me of how the BallyK community pulled together to help each other. I remembered the fire in Kathleen's house, and with embarrassment a certain dog race. But later, the poker tournament had everyone working together. I have very warm memories of much of my time there.
 

Tues. 29 September

He wanted to know if I'd left under a cloud. I can guess what he was thinking of. I knew I had to give a plausible reason, and I don't think I convinced him that I'd left BallyK of my own free will. I gave him Fr. Mac's address and phone number in Cilldargan, and Bishop Costello's in Wicklow. He said that he'd contact them both and let me know in a few weeks time if he
had some sort of lay position for me. I suppose it's the best that I can do. I continue to pray every night that I'll be guided to whatever God has lead me to believe He wants me to do with the rest of my life. I know that I want to work with people, especially the underprivileged.
 

Wed. 30 September

Fri. 2 October

The drive to the coast took about two hours; the last part was down a windy but wide road from the plateau down to the coast.

Sapphire Beach is about 20 minutes drive to the north of where we reached the coast. Our destination was a camping park at the end of a road, with a large lake on our left, and the Pacific Ocean on the right. We'd booked three cabins that were in a row, all facing on to the lake, with the ocean beach a four minute walk away.

Phyllis and John had booked the largest cabin that we were to share with Sarah and David. Alison was also going to join us, sharing the second bedroom with Sarah, while David and I would be in the third bedroom. When we arrived, we noticed that the cabin had a large veranda on the front. There was room for an outdoor table and chairs, where we could sit and watch the
activity on the lake. Beyond the veranda was a fireplace. A supply of wood was available at the kiosk.

Inside through the large sliding door was the spacious living area, with a small kitchen on one side. There was a round table with six chairs in one corner. At the back, a door lead to a small passage from which all the bedrooms and bathroom opened. Phyllis and John's room had a double bed, small wardrobe and a separate ensuite bathroom. So it seemed a well organised space for us to spend the next three days.

Once we'd unpacked the car, we decided to explore our surroundings, as the others weren't expected for at least another hour. However, we left a note on the door in case someone arrived early.

The cabin next to ours was a little smaller, and would accommodate Geoff and Lorraine, with Michael and Ben in the second bedroom. The third cabin was the smallest, and would be used by Andrew and Maree when they arrived from Sydney tomorrow. The park occupied most of the land between the lake and the ocean. There were groups of cabins scattered around the park, indispersed with camping spots for caravan and tents. There were many large eucalypts that kept the park comfortably shaded in summer, and patches of well maintained native shrubs that divided up the various areas.

In the centre was a large toilet block and laundry for the campers, and further on a large open, but roofed structure that contained four large gas barbeques. Near the entrance gate was the office and kiosk where we picked up a number of pamphlets that showed what there was to see and do near the park.

From the kiosk we cut across to the edge of the lake. It was formed by the river widening as it neared its mouth, so although it wasn't fresh water, it wasn't quite as salty as the sea. The whole 2 km of the lake is affected by the tides, as well as the river for several kilometres upstream. We followed the lake for about a kilometre to the river mouth, passing close to our cabin and noting that no one else had arrived yet. The tide was coming in at the time. We watched some young children playing in the  sand, supervised by their mother. There was another family on the other side of the river mouth with two slightly older children and a dog who were digging a cave into the side of the sandy cliff. I was glad that their parents were there to make sure they didn't actually get into a their cave and risk being buried.

We walked along the beach watching about half a dozen teenage surfers in full wetsuits riding the waves that were coming in. John said that tomorrow the beach would be full, being a long weekend. When I asked what the public holiday was for, John said it was called Labour Day, and was introduced to celebrate the 8-hour working day.

By the time we got back to our cabin, Lorraine and Geoff had arrived with Ben, and they were just carrying their things in. They said that Michael wouldn't arrive until tomorrow morning as he had a commitment in Canberra tonight.

It'd been decided that because we were all arriving at different times, everyone would organise their own evening meal tonight. Phyllis had brought a large casserole, that only needed reheating in the microwave oven. A large bowl of fresh berries that I'd picked this morning, served with cream completed our meal.

Sarah and David arrived about six o'clock, closely followed by Alison. By the time they'd brought all their things in and put it away, Phyllis had the food hot, and John and I had set the table.

After dinner we were doing the dishes when the three other Gibsons came in to join us. Lorraine brought in a cake to have with coffee and tea. We poured over all the information we'd collected to decide what everyone wanted to do over the three days. There was a lot of choice. As well as two separate 2-3 hours walks, there was the beach for swimming and surfing, fishing in the sea and lake, canoeing on the lake and a historic village to visit about 10 km away.

After much discussion it was decided that after breakfast we'd all tackle the 6 km round beach walk, having an early picnic lunch on the beach before returning via the track in the bush along the cliff top. On our return those who wanted to, could try to catch some fish for dinner. Alison and Sarah said that they'd like to hire some canoes to paddle on the lake, while the less energetic just wanted to relax in the spring sunshine.

Meanwhile someone had found a game of Scrabble amongst the books on one of the shelves. Because there were nine of us, we decided to play in pairs. Ben quickly volunteered to drop out and listen to his walkman instead. So when all the other couples paired up, it left Alison to partner me.

Geoff and Lorraine started off well, laying down the letters for LEVEL to score 16. David and Sarah added the letters 'W' and 'B' to form the word WEB, with a double letter score on both their letters to score 15. We were next, and joined the letters T, R, A, V & E to the earlier L, and with a triple letter score on our V, it put us in the lead with 17 points. Slowly the words built up. Alison has a knack of being able to arrange the letters to form words I hadn't even heard of, like XYSTER and JEHU. I was able to contribute QUAY with a triple letter on the Q. In the end Alison and I won with a total of over 200 points, which was about 30 points ahead of John and Phyllis, who came second.

After a last round of coffee or hot chocolate drinks, everyone was happy to have a reasonably early night.
 

Sat. 3 October

Sarah looked a bit like a scarecrow with her red hair standing up on end. I don't think David noticed it though, from the way he looked at his fiancée when she came out.

Michael arrived just before we were ready to go on our walk. We left a message for Andrew and Maree, letting them know where, and when, we were going to have our picnic lunch, then started off. We decided to wear swimming costumes under our walking clothes in case we found a good place to swim.

At first we followed the same path that we'd taken yesterday to the place where the lake opened out into the sea. This time the tide was going out, but we still had to take our shoes and socks off to wade across, over the shallow river mouth.

The walk was very interesting. There were a number of rock pools containing shy little crabs or small fish that had been left behind by the tide. There was a cliff face on our left, that sheltered a number of small beaches of pristine pale sand. At times the cliff face came almost to the water's edge, and we had to clamber over the rocks to keep dry. At one stage we stood and
watched a large Sea Eagle soaring overhead in a thermal above the cliff face, using its sharp eyes to find a small animal to catch and take back to its young chicks, that should have hatched by now.

When we reached the spot were we were to climb up and turn back, we saw that Andrew and Maree were already waiting for us. They'd driven there, and had only been waiting about 10 minutes. Most of the younger members of the family decided to have a swim before lunch. It was a race to see who'd be in first.

I watched Alison as she peeled off her T-shirt and long pants, and caught my breath. Luckily I was wearing sunglasses and could hide the fact that I was watching her. She has a perfectly proportioned body, and seems to be totally unaware of the fact that she can stir up certain emotions in a man who's been denied such pleasures for a long time. It's also nice to be free to
appreciate a female body and not feel guilty about it.

The water was bracing but not cold. We dived through the waves and they taught me to body surf into the shore. It was great fun. After Sarah was dumped by one wave and David laughed, she went after him to pay him back. Alison joined in to help Sarah, so then her brothers turned on her to get even with her. As I was watching all the horse play I hadn't realised that Sarah had crept behind me, and with a quick flick to the back of my knees I was in too. Just to make sure I wasn't feeling left out she said. Naturally I was expected to chase her and get her back.

We all came up to eat lunch, and Andrew and Maree told everyone about their exciting news. It brought home to me again how good it is to be part of a family. I'm really looking forward to Steve getting here in a few months time. I really miss him. There's only the two of us now.

After lunch we'd all dried off, so we packed up and let Andrew and Maree take the leftovers back to the park in their car, while we returned via the track through the bush at the top of the cliffs. From this height we saw the spout of a whale, passing not far off shore from where we'd been frolicking not long before. John explained that the whales were now returning south to
Antarctica, after spending winter in warmer oceans. The walk through the bush was cool and shaded. There were a large number of birds, including several different types of brightly coloured parrots. It took us less than an hour to get back.

Geoff and Ben had brought their fishing gear, and opted to fish. John said he'd join them and was happy to mind a spare rod and line. Phyllis and Lorraine said they'd had enough exercise for the day, and they just wanted to sit in a quiet spot and watch the fisherman. Michael said he'd brought his lap top computer and wanted to get some work done. So that left Andrew and Maree, Sarah and David and Alison and I to hire three canoes. It seems to be inevitable, that again Alison and I found ourselves paired together; not that I minded.

We hired the canoes and necessary gear from the kiosk, and carried them to the lake. I had to admit that I'd never paddled a canoe before, but Alison assured me that it was easy, and I'd catch on quickly. We paddled around for awhile, then decided to go up to the top of the lake where the river entered it. Alison was right, I'd got the hang of the rhythm very quickly and we
weren't far behind the others. When we caught up, Alison used her paddle to send a sharp spray of water at Sarah and David.

Sarah retaliated immediately, and soon it was war. It wasn't long before we were all soaked. Out of the blue Alison challenged the other two canoes to a race back to where we'd put the canoes in. We all paddled furiously. Now, I'd got the hang of it when we paddled slowly in unison, but not when we were both paddling as fast as we could. Alison with all her experience was
stronger, and so I had difficulty keeping us going in a straight line.

When we were about 50 metres from the edge, Sarah was laughing so much that she tipped out of her canoe and into the water. David, who managed to stay in and right it, paddled quickly out of reach. As we passed her, she reached over and made sure we both went in. We couldn't get all the water out in the middle of the lake, so had to swim our canoe back to the edge. It was nearly time to return our hired gear, so we waited for Andrew and Maree to come in, then took it all back to the kiosk.

Luckily we had the two bathrooms, so we didn't have to wait long for hot showers and some dry clothes. I don't think I've had so much fun since I was at University. I wonder what some of the more stuffy members of the BallyK congregation would think if they'd seen their curate today? Actually I can picture the look of disapproval on Kathleen's face very clearly.

While we'd been skylarking in the lake, Lorraine and Phyllis had prepared some salads. The fishermen had caught and cleaned about 6 or 7 fish that were now wrapped in aluminium foil and ready to be cooked, and  Ben had collected a wheelbarrow of wood from the kiosk. Soon the smell of cooking fish, sausages and hamburger patties was wafting to our noses.

We'd managed to find enough large logs of wood and outdoor chairs for us to make a circle around the fire. Potatoes that had been partly cooked to save time, had also been wrapped in foil and were cooking in the coals, while the meat was positioned on a grill and hot plate above them. John, who seemed to be the main chef, was tossing some sliced onions in the juices coming from the meat.

After the food was cooked, the metal frame that had supported the food was removed, and after some large logs of wood were added, a different frame with a big hook was put in its place. From this was hung a metal pot with a lid and curved wire handle, called a 'billy'. It was full of water from which we'd make our 'Billy Tea'.

When the water boiled, the billy was lift off the hook and about two hands of tea leaves were thrown in. Geoff insisted on adding a eucalyptus leaf for authenticity, then it was left to draw for about a minute. Geoff took a cloth to hold the handle, then swung the hot billy over his head about two or three times. The centrifugal force prevents the hot tea from pouring out, and at the same time, supposedly makes all the tea leaves go to the bottom of the billy; or so the theory goes. We still used a tea strainer. The tea was rather strong but quite tasty. More logs were added to the fire and we sat around chatting. They told me
about some of the experiences they'd had on previous camping trips. I listened quietly, enjoying the peace and watching their faces illuminated by the flickering light of the fire.

Alison went and fetched her guitar, and we enjoyed singing a range of different songs. She has such an lovely voice. How can one person have so much talent and other attributes, and then be so unspoiled? Mum, it's a real shame you can't meet her. I'm sure you'd have liked her. It was a shame when the fire died down, and slowly, one by one everyone called it a night.

I decided to go for a walk, and asked David to leave a small light on in the living room for when I got back. The moon was up, and I could follow the track to the beach, so I was soon sitting in the sand, watching the light of a ship passing on the horizon. I wondered where it was going.

I sat there alone, thinking about my life. In the peace and solitude I felt very close to God. I've been enjoying a terrific holiday, but I know it can't go on forever. I feel restless and I need to be useful.

Alison's image came into my mind. She's just so lovely in every way. Just the thought of her, stirs up feelings I haven't allowed myself to feel for a long time. Emotions that as a priest I've always had to suppress. I realised that in the eyes of the church I'm now free, and its no longer wrong for me to feel this way for a woman.

I wondered how Alison feels about me. She's given me no indication one way or another. She seems to like me OK. She hasn't made any moves to avoid being paired with me. Maybe she just thinks of me as a brother or good friend like the Taylors.

The image of when I last saw Assumpta came into my mind. I remembered with a smile, when she told me that she was pleased with the improvement in my appearance. I think she would've been pleased to see me joining in the skylarking today. I remember the exact words she said, that she wanted me to fall in love again, and let myself be loved. She said that I mustn't deny myself the happiness and fulfillment of another relationship. I thought with envy of the happiness the news of Maree's pregnancy has brought Andrew and their families. I think I'm a family person at heart. I'd really like to settle down like Niamh and Ambrose. I wonder how they are?

Do I love Alison? I think it's too early, but I know I like her a lot. I'm definitely attracted to her. I admire her spirit, and she seems a very generous and caring person. When I see her, the look of her stirs up some very strong feelings inside me. But I don't think I'm ready to start up another relationship yet, but I'm not going to run away either.

I'd been out on the beach a long time, and it was getting cold. I hadn't brought my jacket. I prayed to God while on that lonely beach, that He would guide me in all this. I trusted that He would look after me, and that everything would work out how it was meant to be.
 

Sun. 4 October.

When we got back the others were up and just about ready to do the 7 km forest walk to the south of the park this time. It didn't take us long to get changed into clothes more suitable for a bushwalk, and catch up to them at the end of the park where the walk starts.

Again we carried food and drinks in our daypacks for lunch, and headed off in twos and threes. It was a circular walk, with the first part along the sand dunes above the beach. It was quite tiring walking through the soft sand, so it was a relief when the track turned inland through native bushes that survived in the harsh salty conditions so close to the sea. Soon there were some short eucalypts, and lots of the coast banksias, as well as other similar woody shrubs. Further in there were a number of heaths
in flower, and also lots of small purple flowers that grew from some sort of bulb.

After about an hour we came to a small clearing, where there was a small wooden structure to allow us to cross the little creek. We stopped here for some snacks and a drink. It was very quiet. We saw a number of small birds, flitting around catching their food on the wing. We'd only met one family who were doing the walk in reverse. The only sound besides the birds and our
voices was the thumping of the waves in the distance as they broke against the rocks.

We continued in a westerly direction, until we came to the river that later formed the lake. The track turned right and we followed it as it ran beside the river. We kept our eyes pealed for any sign of a snake. I was rather relieved that we didn't see any. I'd become a little nervous after some of the snake stories that I heard around the camp fire last night. John said that there were a number of venomous snakes that can be found here, as well as a couple of species of python.

We stopped and ate our sandwiches in a rocky clearing beside the river. We could hear the sounds of laughter indicating there were probably canoeists on the lake, and that the start of the lake was not far away. There were two birds feeding their young in a nest in a large banksia tree. There were some other birds with long beaks, feeding by extracting nectar out of some of these flowers.

As we sat quietly, we watched a small lizard running over the rocks, then another appeared and they chased each other into the small cracks. When we'd finished, we got up and followed the path back along the lake to our cabins.

As the weather was so warm for this time of year, we decided to all go to the beach to swim. We took a good supply of sunscreen, light long-sleeved shirts and a couple of sun umbrellas as well as a big container of drinks.

Although there were more people than yesterday, I couldn't believe how uncluttered it was. There were a number of family groups, and quite a few teenagers and older people surfing, but it wasn't crowded. We all had fun swimming, then we laid down on our towels to dry off, before reapplying another layer of sunscreen.

We watched a large family group playing with a ball, which reminded Ben that they had a Frisbee and a cricket bat and ball in their car. He was back in less than 10 minutes. We used two long branches for wickets, and a tennis ball. The oldies were happy to just watch at first. We soon had two batters and a bowler, with everyone else fielding.  When the batter went out (either bowled or caught), then the person who'd got them out, went in to bat. After about 15 minutes John and Geoff joined in. It kept us active and entertained for the best part of an hour.

Later the Frisbee was brought out. We divided into two teams, and the aim was to keep the Frisbee off the ground, as well as away from the other team. After about 20 minutes, Lorraine and Phyllis also joined in and we spent about half an hour all told throwing this Frisbee around.

The evening meal was again cooked on the barbeque outside. As a special dessert, bananas were prepared by cutting a slit into their skins lengthways. Then a piece of chocolate was inserted, and the whole unpeeled banana was wrapped in foil and placed into the hot coals. In least than half an hour it was ready. When it was unwrapped, the hot cooked banana and chocolate was dropped into a bowl of ice cream. Delicious.

After the meal, as we sat around the campfire, Alison was requested to get her guitar, and we sang some more songs like last night. After a while she begged for a break. Maree helped Phyllis bring out some cake and orders were taken for teas, coffees or hot chocolate. It was very relaxing. The moon came up over the trees and gave everything an eerie atmosphere. David said that he and Sarah  were going to go for a walk down to the beach to watch the waves breaking over the rocks. After they left, Alison looked at me and asked if I wanted to go for a walk too.

My heart skipped a beat. I said "Why not?" but suggested we get both get a jacket as it was starting to cool down. The adults said they were moving inside to play cards.

Like last night, the moonlight gave everything a very unreal appearance. It was so quiet; it was as if we were the only people in the world even though I knew that David and Sarah were somewhere ahead of us.

When Alison tentatively reached for my hand, I didn't resist, but took it firmly, to let her know that wanted to be close too. It just seemed to be so right and natural the way it happened. When we reached the beach, I gently directed us in the opposite direction to that which the footprints indicated Sarah and David had taken.

It was very beautiful, with the moon reflected in the ocean. We took our shoes off, and I put my arm around her as we walked in silence for a while. We didn't need to talk, be were just enjoying being together, enveloped in the silvery light, leaving our footprints in the unmarked sand left behind by the outgoing tide.

It seemed the most natural thing to do, when I stopped and dropped my shoes on the sand, to take her in both my arms and kiss her. As our lips meet, she dropped her shoes too, and her arms reached up around my neck. Our kiss started off so gently, seeking assurance that it wasn't assuming too much, then it deepened, becoming more passionate. My heart was beating at  twice its usual rate. I wondered if Alison noticed this.

We parted when the moon went behind a cloud, plunging the beach suddenly into darkness. When the moon came out again, I brushed the hair from her face, and looked at her and smiled a bit sheepishly. I didn't know what to say, it had all happened so unexpectedly.

"Lets go and sit down over there and watch the waves," I suggested. Assumpta's face came into my mind, and I knew I wasn't quite ready to move into a relationship with Alison yet, even though I think she wants to. I spread my jacket on the sand for us to sit on.

I can't understand why a gorgeous girl like her; with her talents, good looks and vibrant personality; who I think could have any man she wanted, seems to be choosing to be with me, an ex-priest. At least some of the questions I was wondering about last night have been answered.

I knew that at some stage I had to talk to her, but didn't feel I could do it tonight. I wanted to think about it first. We sat for a while in silence watching the waves breaking on the rocks nearby. Alison tentatively stroked my face, and I kissed her fingers, but I didn't take her into my arms again. I didn't feel ready to deal with what it might lead to. I could sense Alison's confusion and disappointment.

She broke the silence by asking me what it was like to be a priest. I told her it was like trying to be everything to everybody.
"A priest is supposed to be an advocat to those in conflict with each other or God," I said. "A priest has to be patient, and lend a caring ear for those who need someone to listen to them." I explained that a priest is suppose to be a marriage guidance counsellor without having experienced marriage, and be able to be wise and help those who want advice, in any circumstance that may arise. "In other words a priest is supposed to be super-human, without normal human failings. Sometimes the hardest thing is to provide a strong shoulder for the bereaved to cry on." I thought of how I'd failed in this after Assumpta's death.

"You must've been a very good priest, Peter" she said quietly.
"Some people thought I was", I replied, "but there were others who felt that I wasn't following the church's doctrine closely enough."
"Is that why you left?" she asked after a few minutes.
I wasn't ready to talk to her about Assumpta then, so I told her how I could no longer accept all the church's teaching, and that I felt that life was passing me by, so I decided to opt out, and explore other avenues of service. I told her about my interview with Centacare, and that I might end up going into some sort of counselling, after my trip up north.

The special magic that I knew spelt danger had gone, but I felt we'd reached a closer friendship and understanding. I told her that I still had a lot of unresolved issues that I had to address before I could move on. She said she appreciated me telling her that, and that if ever I needed to talk, she'd be there for me. I squeezed her hand in thanks, and stood up.

I reached down and gave her a hand up, and then kissed her affectionately on the forehead. As we picked up our shoes and jackets, I gently put my arm around her shoulder and we walked back the way we'd come.

Back at the cabin I said goodnight, and gave her hand a squeeze; then I went into my bedroom and got ready for bed. David came in about an hour later and was soon asleep, while I lay awake for ages thinking about the evening. What exactly is holding me back? I'm not sure. I don't want to hurt Alison. I know I care about her, but I want to do what's right in the eyes of God. I
believe that He's told me through Assumpta and you Mum, that He has a plan for my life, and I've promised Him to do whatever He wants me to. I'm not sure that Alison is part of His plan for me. I think I'd like her to be.

If Alison's not for me, I don't want to hurt her. Already tonight I've allowed myself to give her hope that we might form a closer relationship. I've asked God to show me clearly want he wants me to do. I know that Assumpta urged me to let myself love again, that's not the problem anymore. With Alison that's not hard; she is a very loving and lovable person. She hasn't even pushed me into talking about my hesitation, but I know I owe her an explanation. After all this time, am I still hurting people by not talking to them? Before I go on my trip north I have to talk to her.
 

Mon. 5 October

That left Andrew and Maree, who had an extra day before they had to be back in Sydney, and Alison and I. We decided to spend the morning exploring the historic town, Toola Bay. We walked along the old wharf where in its heyday many large ocean going fishing and whaling boats used to come in with their big catches of sea food.

Now tourists come and watch for whales that pass heading south to the Antarctic to feed in the summer, or in autumn they head north to escape the extreme cold of the Antarctic winter. We explored some of the craft shops and then inspected the local maritime and whaling museum.

We bought some fish and chips for lunch, and ate it together on the foreshore, before making our farewells and heading home in opposite directions.

Alison showed me a map of the district, and pointed to a thin red line that indicated a small road through the forest. She said it that was much shorter than the main road home, and far less busy. However, a lot of it was a gravel road, and not sealed, so that's why it isn't used a lot.

Driving 100km through the hills and forests on this isolated and little used unsealed road was a new experience for me. I have to admit I was relieved that we had 4-wheel drive in case we got bogged. We didn't see another car for nearly an hour after we left the farmland, and entered the forest. When I commented on how isolated it was, Alison laughed. She said it was nothing
like what I'll experience in the next few weeks in the outback. When we left Andrew and Maree, I knew that this might be my last opportunity to talk to Alison, so I prayed for somewhere we might be able to pull over and stop for a talk. I asked her to look for a place where could stop for awhile, because I wanted to have a talk. Our opportunity came at a place where we crossed a small creek by a narrow wooden bridge in a wide bend. There was enough room to park the car well off the road as well as there being a spot to sit down.

Alison reached into the back and pulled out a rug for us to sit on, while I got out a bottle of soft drink and some biscuits that Phyllis had insisted we take with us. Once we were settled I took a deep breath. "You know, it wasn't entirely true that I left the priesthood mainly because of my conflict with some of the church's doctrine", I admitted. "No?" she said gently. "Would you like to tell me about what it was?"

I took another deep breath, and prayed I'd be able to do this. I told Alison about Assumpta; how I'd probably loved her for all of my three years in BallyK.  I explained how, by trying to deny our feelings, Assumpta had married Leo, to try to stop herself wanting someone who wasn't available, but that it hadn't lasted. With tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat I told Alison how after talking to you, before you died, I'd made up my mind to talk to Assumpta and tell her how I felt. I couldn't hold back my tears when described how Assumpta died so suddenly, without saying goodbye, only hours after I'd decided, and told her I was going to leave the priesthood because I couldn't live without her.

Alison reached out and gently pulled me into her arms and held me close. It was the same warm intense feeling of comfort and healing I'd felt when Assumpta came to me in the haystack.
"Thanks for telling me, Peter," she said softly, stroking my head. "I think I understand much better now. I know it's painful to have to talk about it again, I really appreciate it." I just let myself relax in her arms for awhile. I was glad I'd forced myself to be honest with her.

"I just need time to sort myself out," I explained, trying to look at her. "Coming out to Australia has been really good for me. John and Phyllis are such terrific people. They're the only ones that know about Assumpta."
"I won't say anything," she assured me. "I'm happy to be there for you when you need me."
I pulled away and looked her in the eye. "Thanks," I said, and kissed her gently on the lips. "You don't know how much your understanding means to me. I feel so lonely at times, having lost Mum and Assumpta in such a short time. I made so many good friends in BallyK, but I felt I had to leave. If they hadn't guessed how I felt about Assumpta before, the way I reacted when
she died made it very obvious to all. There was even a reporter trying to dig up dirt the morning after Assumpta died. It was less than twelve hours after she was gone. I knew then that I couldn't stay; it would've been too embarrassing for the church." We sat quietly for awhile in each others arms.

"There's something that puzzles me about you," I said, plucking up the courage for some more personal disclosures.
"How so?" she asked raising her eyebrows.
"Well, you're very beautiful, and talented, with a happy vibrant personality. There must be a queue a mile long, of men wanting to date you." I said, hoping she'd accept my words as I sincerely intended them, and not just a line meant to flatter her. She laughed and flicked her hair back off her face.
"Peter, I won't deny that there haven't been offers," she smiled sincerely, "but in most cases they were either too wrapped up in themselves, or they were more interested in getting me into their bed, than being a friend."
I hugged her, but couldn't find anything to say, to respond to this.
"I haven't had much success when it comes to forming a long term, caring relationship," she added.
I hoped that it was going to be different for her in the future, but I felt I couldn't say anything to reassure her at the moment. I just squeezed her hand and kissed it.

We packed up and put everything back in her car. We drove another 20 minutes along the small bush track until we reached the main Canberra-coast road. Immediately the traffic was very busy, being the end of the long weekend. There was no point in hurrying. We just took our place at the end of a long line of cars, and travelled at the speed of the slowest car. When Alison dropped me at the Taylor's, I gave her a quick hug, and kissed her on the forehead, hoping no one was watching. She wished me a good holiday, and I promised to send her a postcard.

Once inside, I put all my dirty clothes in the machine to wash them. I've only got two days before I'm off for over three weeks travelling through some of western New South Wales and Queensland, before coming south again along the coast. I think that it's a good thing that I'm having time away from Alison. I need to get everything into perspective without the distraction of seeing her all the time. I also hope to have a better idea of what I'm to do in the future then.