Chapter 14:   Peter Clifford's Journal

by Jen Jolley

Life Goes On
 

Mon. 1 May

Everyone was back at work and school today. I rang Shaun at lunchtime and found that he was already at the Youth Centre getting ready to open at 4pm. Rick was going to be there as well as the two regular Monday volunteers, so all was in readiness for our first session.
 
I wandered down at 5pm with Stephanie to see how things were going. There were about 20 young people there; many were from St. Jude's Youth group and their friends. But there were a few strangers there too. It was fairly quiet, and I got the feeling everyone was curious, and just trying it out.
 
Both Rick and I are not on a regular roster, but we can be called in by Shaun if we're needed. We've both had to invest in mobile phones so Shaun can contact us quickly. Ali is rostered for every Wednesday. I'll cook dinner and look after Stephanie and the others for that time. She's really looking forward to having a break from the domestic scene, and wants to get her teeth into having more contact with young people again.
 

Wed. 3 May

Alison did her first session in the Youth Centre this afternoon, while Jane and I took turns in amusing Stephanie and cooking dinner. She rang about 6.30pm and asked if it was OK to invite Shaun home with her afterwards to have dinner with us. As the children had already eaten, I was able to assure her that there was plenty left, and to bring Shaun home by all means.
 
They arrived not long after 8pm. The children were all upstairs and either working or playing Nintendo. Stephanie, who was already dressed for bed, was happy to see Ali and had a quick feed while I served up dinner and heard from Shaun how the Youth Centre had gone today. I'm glad Ali thought of inviting Shaun. Not only did it give me a chance to hear from him how everything went, but I could sense that Shaun's life is quite lonely, and he appreciated our company.
 
He admitted tonight that he has little in common with the other students who live in the college. Even the postgraduate students who are nearer his age, have life values that are different to his. They are mostly Catholic, but generally not actively practicing their faith. They know he is going to train for the priesthood, so they seem to stay away from him even more. He's not sure if it's because they are in awe of this, or more likely they feel guilty that their lifestyles don't reflect the Catholic values they had instilled in them as children.
 
I pointed out to him that a priest's life can be very lonely too, and often there's no-one to talk to when a priest needs to most. I said that it was important to create a network of peers that he could confide in when he needed to talk things over.
 
Shaun looked at me, and asked with a smile how come I knew so much about the life of a priest? Was it from knowing Rick, or was a close family member a priest? I caught Ali's eye, and she had a small smile. Her expression was like she was saying to me; "Well Peter, here we go again, answer this one." Of course there was only one answer I could give.
 
"No, closer than that. I was a priest, ..once." I answered.
There was a clatter as Shaun accidently dropped his knife. Ali heard Stephanie crying out so left us to check on her.
"I'm Sorry", he said. I wasn't sure if he meant sorry for asking the question, for dropping the knife or because he didn't hear me
properly. "Did you say you yourself were once a priest?  When?" he asked.
 
I told him that I was a priest for over 6 years, in both England and Ireland. I waited for the next inevitable question.
"Why did you leave?"
 
It was a combination of a number of things why I left, I told him. The loneliness of having no-one to talk to when I needed counsel and support was one factor. But it was also the frustration of trying to defend the church's teachings that I wasn't altogether comfortable with. I explained how often I felt that the church, and my last Parish Priest saw everything as simply black or white. I told him that I thought the church didn't always encourage people to think for themselves, but often preferred to tell them what to believe, and expected them to obey their directions without question.
 
"So it wasn't because you met Alison and had trouble with your vows of celibacy then?" he asked.
I assured him that I met Alison here in Australia after I'd left the priesthood. Shaun said that my revelation about my past explained a lot of things.
"Like what?" I asked, very curious.
Like my close friendship with Rick for one, he suggested. I agreed it might have contributed to our friendship, because Rick knew I understood the pressures he was under. I added that Rick is such a warm caring person, that everyone likes him and gets on well with him anyway.
 
After Shaun had gone, Ali and I discussed why I never mention Assumpta as one of the reasons I left the priesthood. She was the actual trigger that made me finally decide to leave. I told Ali that it might be that I didn't want people to think that after Assumpta died, I immediately found her. I suppose it's also a little of what I fear about returning to BallyK with Ali and Stephanie too. Will they think I've betrayed Assumpta by loving Alison?
 
I know that after Assumpta died, I didn't return to the priesthood because I no longer felt I could carry out all my duties in the right spirit. This was irrelevant to Assumpta or her death.
 

Fri. 5 May

There was quite a some chat amongst the teenagers at Youth Group tonight regarding the pros and cons of the Youth Centre.
However, the general feeling was that it was a good thing, especially with winter setting in. The other things the teenagers thought were good about the centre was that the bus exchange and the shops was only a short walk away.
 
Rick is very happy so far. There appears to be a constant stream of young people coming through from when it opens until 8pm. Shaun called in to Youth Group tonight too. He said he wanted to see how the group operated, and the crossover of students who use the Centre and who also come regularly to Youth Group. We told Shaun that he's always welcome at Youth Group on Friday nights.
 

Sun. 7 May

It's definitely starting to get cooler now, and the warm weather has clearly gone for the next few months. All the leaves on the
deciduous trees have turned on their colourful displays, and many have already dropped a lot of their leaves. Jane has made it her job every weekend to sweep them upfor some extra pocket money to take on our holiday.
 
In England it's now spring. Lisa says everything is starting to look so pretty in Cumbria now, compared to when she arrived in
January. It lifts the spirit when all the bright green new growth starts to appear. She and Rachel had a lovely time in Paris. They've now started planning a big summer trek around some of the continent. At weekends they've been exploring England, and have been north as far as Inverness.
 

Mon. 8 May

Alison had a lovely surprise phone call today, from an old friend Vanessa Hudson, who she hasn't seen in over ten years. Vanessa was one of Ali's closest friends in their early teen years, but they lost contact when Vanessa's family left Canberra. Her father is in the Australian Army, and he was posted overseas for a number of years. When they left Australia, they didn't have a forwarding address, and by the time Vanessa's family was settled, Alison's family had moved out to Bundarra; and so the two lost contact.
 
Later, when the Hudsons came back to Australia, her father was first based in Darwin and later they moved to Townsville, again in the very north of Australia. It was here that Vanessa finished her secondary schooling, then commenced university.
 
Vanessa is now back in Canberra, so she looked up Geoff and Lorraine in the phone book. They filled her in on the fact that Ali was now married and a mother. Ali and Vanessa had a long conversation on the phone, so I suggested that we invite Vanessa here for dinner tomorrow; which she did.
 

Tues. 9 May

We had a most enjoyable evening with Vanessa tonight. She is a stunningly attractive young woman, with long dark hair, a slightly olive complexion and very large expressive eyes. Ali claims she hasn't changed a bit, and she would have recognised her anywhere. Vanessa agreed that Alison had changed very little as well, except maybe she did look a little older than when they'd last seen each other.
 
We introduced her to Stephanie who was on her very best behaviour tonight, and smiled and 'chattered' at the right times. When we introduced her to the older children, it was obvious that neither Lorraine, nor Alison in her phone conversation, had mentioned to Vanessa about the rest of our family. Ali said later that the subject just hadn't come up. It was more about all the exciting things that Vanessa had done since leaving Canberra.
 
Over dinner Vanessa told us how after completing the first two years of university, she got 'itchy feet' and wanted to travel again. So using some family contacts, she found work with Care Australia, an aid agency that worked with refugees in Somalia. Later she continued with this organisation in Bosnia. She found the work very rewarding, and felt that she was achieving a lot for the poor refugee women she dealt with. She was teaching the women about hygiene and good nutrition; and also about giving birth and establishing breastfeeding for the babies. She isn't a nurse, but many of these women were uneducated and didn't even know the basics. Naturally the subject of birth control and came up as part of the women's health. This is where she came into conflict with some of the men, who didn't like what she was doing. As a result she was kidnapped, and held for a number of weeks in very traumatic circumstances that she refused to discuss with us.
 
She considers that she was lucky to get away with her life. She is physically unharmed, but she said that mentally and emotionally she'll never be the same again. After being released, she was sent to England for several weeks of counselling, before being allowed to come back to Australia. She said that although she wouldn't want to go back to being the reckless, devil-may-care, and carefree person she was before her ordeal, she's sorry that she has lost her innocence too, and is far less trusting of people now.
 
In England she met up with fellow Aussie, Matthew Thompson, who she found out came from Canberra. They got talking, and it was Matthew who told her that Alison still lived in Canberra, and was a teacher. He hadn't mentioned that Ali was married, but then he probably didn't know, as he'd left Australia over a year ago.
 
Vanessa is now recuperating in Canberra. She's staying with her parents who are based here at present. Next week she's going back to start working part-time with Care Australia in their Head Office. The plan is for her to continue with her therapy and counselling, and gradually build up her working hours as her doctor feels she is able to.
 
Unfortunately her father has just accepted another overseas posting, so the family house is to be packed up and rented out at the end of the month. So Vanessa said that she has a few weeks to find somewhere else to live. She felt it was better to stay here and work, than do what her mother suggested, and go with her parents to Korea, and not work.
 
Her mother has also offered to stay in Canberra to help her, but Vanessa said that firstly her father relied on her mother a lot; and secondly she and her mother wouldn't last a week together before they'd be arguing. So for the moment she has to find somewhere to live that her mother would approve of, so her mother will accompany her father to Korea.
 
After the stress her parents have suffered over the last few months, Vanessa can understand their concern. Ali and I exchanged looks. We were both thinking along the same lines, and we know each other well enough now that speech isn't always necessary. I nodded in agreement, so Ali offered Vanessa Lisa's spare room upstairs, for the rest of this year.
 
Vanessa said that she was interested, but she has a few weeks to consider her options. Care Australia has asked her to stay here and work in their Canberra Office at least until the end of the year, or until she has fully recovered from her ordeal. She'd been thinking about looking for a flat or a share house, but agreed that her mother would probably be happier if she was boarding with a family like ours.
 
I was very impressed with Vanessa. Not only was she physically very attractive, but she appeared to be a very strong person. To have survived the torture and treatment she suffered at the hands of her kidnappers, and then come home and behave in a normal manner was quite something. She refused to discuss the details of her experience, and only hinted at the horrors she suffered. She did admit to now having a gross fear of spiders, and other creepy crawlies as a result of her time in captivity. So one can only imagine how she was treated.
 

Wed. 10 May

The Youth Centre continues to operate smoothly. Alison was rostered on again today. She said a couple of young policemen who were on general patrol this afternoon, dropped in out of curiousity to see what went on, and what we offered. When they left, they complimented Shaun on how everything looked in order. They said it was a pity there weren't more of such centres dotted around the suburbs.
 

Thurs. 11 May

Vanessa accepted our offer of the use of Lisa's room for the rest of this year. Her mother was very pleased and came over with
Vanessa this evening to meet us. She said that she'll be less worried about accompanying her husband now, knowing that Vanessa was in good hands. We showed Mrs. Hudson the room, and introduced her to the children. Vanessa asked us not to be offended if at times she gets moody and just wants to be left alone for awhile. We assured her that we'd give her space, as long as she was prepared to share the bathroom upstairs with two teenage boys and young girl.
 
Jane says that she's really happy to have Vanessa come, because the boys are less likely to leave the bathroom a mess and their towels on the floor, if there is another girl sharing. They apparently have become a bit sloppy in this since Lisa left. I promised Jane that I'd follow it up if the boys left the bathroom a mess in future.
 
Vanessa will move in at the end of the month, in two weeks time.
 

(Mother's Day)   Sun. 14 May

The children wanted to give Alison breakfast in bed. So I took Stephanie after she'd been fed and left them to it. Of course it always means a job brushing the crumbs out afterwards, but it is a happy tradition that I'm not going to break.
 
The boys had pooled some of their money and bought Alison a nice knitted jumper. They confessed that Phyllis had helped them choose it, because they weren't sure of the right size. Phyllis also knows Alison's preference in clothes, so it was a successful choice. Jane had embroidered a set of doilies that could be put on the dressing table or a side table; so that was well received too.
 
From Stephanie she received some nice perfume that I know she likes, and a card with a message and Stephanie's hand prints. Alison said she now understood how Stephanie had come by some ingrained black marks on her hands that she couldn't get off. Ali had been puzzled by it, and had wondered what Stephanie had managed to get into. I admitted that I hadn't realised how hard it would be to get the ink off. I tried to use methylated spirits, to remove most of the evidence.
 
Dinner tonight was a three course meal, with each child being responsible of one course. Damian had prepared a seafood cocktail by mixing prawns and crab meat with some bought seafood dressing. He'd bought all the ingredients himself at his supermarket. The mixture was spooned into individual bowls that were lined with lettuce leaves. Ali and I could see that Phyllis had obviously discussed the children's ideas with them, and made sure that what they'd wanted to do was with in their capabilities. She and John are just so wonderful. Their guidance to these three is so subtle, but just right.
 
Jason was responsible for the main course which was Lasagna, which he served with a Caesar Salad. Lisa and Rachel had taught him to make this, so it's no trouble for him now. Jane finished off the meal with Fruit Salad, served with some bought ice cream.
 
All the children had sent their mothers a card with a handkerchief and a couple of 'Scratchy' lotto tickets enclosed. The lotto tickets weren't my idea, but the children insisted that their mothers often bought them, and they fitted nicely into the cards, so I really couldn't object.
 

Wed. 17 May

While Ali was at the Youth Centre, I was fascinated to watch Stephanie pull herself up on the coffee table then start to take steps and walk around it, to reach something she wanted. Ali had mentioned earlier that she felt it could happen at any time as she's been pulling herself up in her cot.
 
The look on Stephanie's face when she suddenly realised that she could move in this way was delightful. She took a few more steps then let go. Of course she unbalanced and rolled onto the thick rug. She wasn't hurt, only surprised. Ten minutes later she repeated it again. Jane was very excited and rushed to tell Ali the news when she came home at just after 8pm.
 
I was pleased that Shaun came for dinner again. It gave us a chance to catch up on the news of the centre in a relaxed manner, and Shaun ended up with a home-cooked meal.
 

Thurs. 18 May

A lovely long letter arrived from Brendan Kearney today. He said that he and Siobhan were delighted to hear the news that I met someone else after Assumpta, and was actually married and had a daughter. They are looking forward to seeing us in October.
 
He went on to describe the new gard. She's a woman called Frankie Sullivan, and she's replaced Ambrose Egan who died. She has settled in well and gets on particularly well with Oonagh Dooley in the pub, as well as the priest Fr. Aiden.
 
His daughter Aisling is two years old now, and is a great joy to both him and Siobhan. However, it seems they are having arguments regarding who should mind her when they are both needed at work. He also said that he was glad I'd done the conventional thing and gotten married before having our daughter, as it would cause far less problems in the long run. He confided that he was a bit worried that when Aisling was old enough to go to school, she might feel different if her parents weren't married, especially when her father was the school headmaster.
 
It's true that a lot of the BallyK residents are really wonderful, modern thinking people, and wouldn't ostracise Aisling because her parents weren't married or living together. But there are narrow-minded people who don't always think of the child's feelings, and condemn the parents for their actions. I can understand Brendan's misgivings in this. I suppose only time will tell.
 

Sat. 20 May

We invited Sarah and David over for dinner so that Sarah could catch up with Vanessa too. Sarah hadn't been as close to Vanessa as Alison was, but when Sarah lost a good friend about the same time as Vanessa left, she and Alison became firm friends; which has lasted up to the present day. We invited Rick to make even numbers, and of course because we always enjoy his company.
 
It was a very pleasant evening. We fed the children first so that we could have a relaxed meal together. Jason had gone out with
friends to a movie and Damian and Jane played upstairs on the Nintendo. Stephanie was happy to amuse herself practicing walking around the coffee table. Every now and then one of us would put her toys back on top, then she gradually spread them over the floor again.
 
The girls had a lovely time reminiscing about their early school days and who was doing what now, while we fellows talked about the Youth Centre. Rick asked us if we'd heard any discussions at school, and David told him what he'd heard said by the students. The Youth Centre hasn't changed anything amongst the older members of the church, but the parents of some of the teenagers felt that they were happy to see their youngsters going there rather than hanging around the shops.
 

Tues. 23 May

Our plans regarding the big trip are coming along steadily. We still have 3 months to go, but there are still lots of things we have to do, left on our lists. With all the winter clothing now available in the shops, Ali and I took the children shopping after school today.
 

Sun. 28 May

Vanessa moved into Lisa's room today. We haven't told the children a lot of details about what Vanessa experienced in Bosnia, partly because we don't know, and can only guess from what she has said. We'll leave her to tell them whatever she wants. They know that she works for Care Australia, an organization that helps people overseas. They know she was in Bosnia helping refugees, and that she was kidnapped and later released.
 
The condition she is receiving treatment for is called Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. It's the same thing that in wartime was called "Shell Shock" when soldiers suffered from it. Today it's recognised as a condition, and can be treated by on going counselling. Vanessa says that she is fine about 90% of the time; but then the slightest incident can bring on an attack, when she goes into shock, and can't control her emotions or actions.
 
Her mother is still a bit hesitant to leave her. She was reconsidering staying after Vanessa had some nightmares a few nights ago. Her terror in the middle of the night really scared her parents. Ali and I tried to put her mind at rest, and promised to look after Vanessa. We assured her that we'd hear if Vanessa had any nightmares, and explained that when Jane first came to us, she suffered nightmares for quite awhile, until we changed her school.
 
Vanessa reminded her mother of how much her father relied on her when they were away. I pointed out that we had email, and
Vanessa promised to email her mother regularly, which seemed to be the deciding factor in the end.
 

Tues. 30 May

Vanessa seems to have settled in well. She has a good way with the children and all three have been happy to share the bathroom and toilet upstairs with her. Jane is particularly happy, because she says the boys are much tidier again now. Vanessa calls them back if they've left the bathroom in a mess, or left dirty clothes lying around.
 
Ali says that she and Vanessa have been able to pick up their friendship where they left off, even though they have grown up and so much time had passed. Over dinner, Vanessa happily answered the children's questions about the conditions that people in Bosnia live under. They've tactfully stayed away from asking about her capture, because they realise that it's still a raw wound for her. These youngsters are starting to really appreciate how lucky we are here, so far away from any such conflict.
 

Wed. 31 May

It was Ali's turn at the Youth Centre again this evening, so it was great having another pair of hands to help get dinner. Especially as Stephanie seemed a bit off colour and wouldn't be pacified by anyone else but me. I explained to Vanessa that Ali usually brought Shaun home, so we always cooked enough just in case. I also had to explain who Shaun was.
 
In the end it was Vanessa who cooked the whole meal, with Jane helping her to finding any ingredients she needed. Ali and Shaun arrived shortly after 8pm. As has been our routine on Wednesdays now, the children ate about 6pm, so that left us adults to eat alone and share our experiences of the day.
 
I introduced Shaun and Vanessa when he was seated at the table and Vanessa brought our meal in. They practically stared at each other as they said hello. I know that Vanessa is an extremely attractive woman, and Shaun is quite attractive too in a rugged way. But the reaction from both of them was more than just noticing a beautiful woman, or a good looking man. In fact the atmosphere was almost as if they already knew each other, or had met previously. However, they spoke politely as they greeted each other and Vanessa sat down. Ali and I exchanged a puzzled look.
 
I asked Shaun to say grace. Surprisingly in the middle of the short grace he stumbled over the words. It was all very strange. Ali and I didn't know what exactly was going on, but we both sensed a tension in the atmosphere that we didn't understand.
 
The meal was delicious, something Vanessa had learnt to cook in Bosnia. We complimented on it, and it was a safe discussion topic for awhile. However, it was clear that Shaun's manner was not as relaxed as it has been on previous occasions when he's been here. In fact he looked quite uncomfortable.
 
To break the tension, I explained to Shaun that Vanessa worked for Care Australia, and had just returned from working in Somalia and Bosnia. Shaun politely asked her about her impressions of the situation in Somalia, explaining that he'd passed through the country about 5 years ago, on his way to Kenya. Vanessa replied equally politely, but neither of them seemed relaxed. There was definitely a tension between them, and Ali and I had no idea why.
 
Ali changed the subject by starting to tell us about a funny incident she witnessed at the Youth Centre this afternoon. Kyle, who like Jason is now in Year 11, fancies himself as a bit of an expert at the pool table. In fact up to today he'd been seen as the person to beat. As usual, he was showing off his ability to some of the girls, and some younger boys who were waiting their turn.
 
When Kyle finished his game, a new boy who was with the younger ones, challenged Kyle to a game. Kyle was naturally happy to take him on, feeling quite confident in his status as best player amongst the regulars. After 20 minutes Kyle had been completely thrashed. This boy was obviously a very talented player, and he made Kyle look very ordinary.
 
Because Alison was watching, all Kyle could do was glare intensely at the victor and leave with his equally obnoxious mates. Shaun said that he's been keeping an eye on Kyle's group, as they aren't always very pleasant to the younger people who come in.
 
At 9.30pm, Shaun asked to be excused as he still had some things to do before going to bed. He thanked us for the meal and
courteously bade us all good night. I saw him to the door, but nothing was said about the tension, nor did he say anything about
Vanessa.
 
I overheard Vanessa asking Ali a bit more about Shaun. I wondered if we'd just witnessed a strong instant attraction at first sight, or something else. It was really weird how they both reacted the moment they set eyes on each other. Neither Ali nor I have an explanation, but we were both relieved when it was over. Ali and Vanessa cleared the dishes together, while I went upstairs to check on the youngsters.
 

Thurs. 1 June

Today is the official first day of winter here. It was a clear, sunny day, but we did have a frost overnight. In fact we had our first
frost in April, about six weeks ago.
 
Vanessa came down for breakfast as usual this morning, and greeted everyone happily as she always does. There was no hint of the weird atmosphere we'd experienced last night. Neither Ali nor I were going to bring up the subject, so it was as if the tension over dinner never happened.
 

Sun. 4 June

As I try to do most Sunday afternoons when I can, I sat down with a book. Not in the garden now, but in a sunny spot behind glass, that overlooks the garden. The garden is rather bare at the moment, and will be for a few months. However, before long the apricot blossoms will burst forth, and the early jonquils and daffodils will open to welcome the coming spring.
 
Lisa sent an email to say that she's planning to travel around a lot of the European continent in her summer holidays with Rachel. They have applied for rail passes and like us have joined the Youth Hostel Association. She's very much looking forward to it. The schools have kept both girls busy as they near the end of the academic year, but they are both enjoying the experience. They are looking forward to our coming in September. We are finalising our plans of what to visit and when, and have almost finished sorting out the older children's clothes.
 

Mon. 5 June

I was called to fill in at the Youth Centre this afternoon when one of the regular volunteers couldn't come at the last minute. When I arrived, a number of young people, most of whom I didn't know, were sitting on the low wall outside the centre, waiting for 4pm. I noticed that many of them were smoking.
 
It's something that we'd discussed in our committee, and decided that there was really nothing we could do about it. As long as they don't leave a mess outside, and they don't smoke inside, we ignore the fact that most of them are probably under-age. Here in Australia it's illegal for people under 18 years to buy cigarettes. It's also against the law for people to smoke indoors in a public place, so we have no problem with smoking inside the building.
 
When the centre opened at 4 o'clock, we quickly had over 20 young people flocking in. Shaun pointed out two sisters who come in regularly and do their homework in a quiet corner he's created for such a purpose. These two girls live about 20km outside Canberra on a farm. So they sit and start their homework until about 5.30pm when one of their parents picks them up and takes them home.
 
The snooker (pool) tables are always in use, often with an audience of people waiting for their turn. The table tennis table is used a lot too, but mostly by people waiting to play pool. Shaun has found that the drink and snack vending machines are very popular, and are making a small profit that will be poured back into the facilities.
 
Shaun made no mention to me of the tensions over dinner last Wednesday night. So we'll just have to wait and see what is going on between Shaun and Vanessa, if there is anything going on.
 

Wed. 7 June

Today we had our first incident at the Youth Centre, and Alison is still feeling very shaky after it.
 
Ali was rostered on with Tony, the adult helper from the Youth Group; and Shaun. There were about 20 youngsters, mainly school aged teenagers in the centre at the time, when four older, rough looking youths tried to enter, and claimed that they were looking for Cameron, one of the lads from St. Patrick's College, who comes in regularly.
 
Ali asked them nicely to leave until they'd finished their cigarettes, but they shouted they were going to 'get Cameron' for some
perceived misdemeanor. Ali placed herself in the doorway, and they took offence at this, and pushed her roughly out of the way, so she fell to the ground. They pushed their way into the main hall where they were met by Shaun who had managed to push the "Call Police" button before coming to Ali's aid at the same time as Tony reached her.
 
Cameron and his friends had managed to slip out of the main hall as soon as these youths had called out their names while they were still in the foyer. They had locked themselves in the toilets, and only came out later, when the police indicated that it was all clear.
 
Shaun calmly told the gate-crashers that the police had been called and would be there in under five minutes, so it would be best if they left quietly before there was any trouble. They looked like they were about to argue, when their leader decided the better of it, and nodded to the others to leave. It's the first time we've had to call the police, and hopefully the last.
 
From the description Shaun and Tony gave to the police, they said that they had a fair idea who the culprits might be. A car
registration number that one of the girls remembered as she watched them leave, may confirm this for them.
 
Alison was quite shaky when Shaun brought her home. She insisted that she was never in any danger, but I made her promise to be more careful in future, and not put herself in such a vulnerable position again. I emphasised that she should get help in such situations, rather than try to handle it herself.
 
I felt very angry towards these louts who push around anyone who gets in their way, irrespective of who they are. If I'd been there, I'm sure I would've punched them far harder, and with more damage than I've ever done before. I remembered what I did to Leo, when he accused me of taking Assumpta behind the statue in the grotto.
 
It's not often I feel like that. The other recent time that I can remember when I came close, was after we'd discovered that Liam and Donal had put chip fat on a statue in the church. I was so infuriated at Liam's suggestion that it was the church's game to mislead people, that I nearly flattened him in front of all the parishioners. Thankfully, I don't get riled like that very often.
 
Shaun declined Ali's offer of dinner, saying that with all the excitement of the evening he thought he should get home. He needed to write up a report and try to come up with some ideas of how to avoid a similar situation arising again, or better ways of handling such incidents in future. Ali and I both wondered if Shaun's refusal might also have had something to do with the fact that Vanessa was here.
 

Tues. 13 June

Jason was very short-tempered today, and we were all careful not to say anything that might trigger an out-burst. Senior exams start tomorrow, and this being his first proper exams, he's quite nervous. The other two children are also busy getting their last assignments completed, and revising for tests. So all the bedrooms have been a hive of activity.
 

Wed. 14 June

Vanessa offered to make the dinner tonight, leaving me to look after Stephanie and keep the peace upstairs. Naturally, Alison was fairly nervous about going back to the Youth Centre today. I felt mean not taking her place, but it's not really possible, as it's necessary to always have a female adult present. Also, it was important for Ali to go back and feel safe there again. Rick kindly stayed for most of the evening to make sure everything ran smoothly.
 
Other than being worried about Alison, I really like Wednesdays, when I have Stephanie to myself. We have a great time together. I feed and bath her, then we look at books and play games like "Peek-a-boo" and "This Little Piggy". When Alison gets home, she gives Stephanie her last feed. Then while she puts Steph to bed, I serve up the dinner. So we have a good routine. With Vanessa here, we have another pair of hands, which is a bonus when Stephanie decides to play up.
 
Ali invited Shaun to come for dinner tonight. She reported with a smile, that he did hesitate at first when she asked him, and he seemed almost reluctant in his acceptance of her invitation. The tension in the air as we sat down is all too familiar now.
 
I must say though that thanks to Alison's skills as a hostess, the tension did ease gradually as the meal progressed. We kept to safe topics such as the cold Canberra winters and the Youth Centre being used for it's warmth as well as the activities and friendly atmosphere.
 
After the meal was finished, Vanessa pleaded a headache and went up to her room. Shaun helped Ali clear the table and wash the dishes, while I went up to check on homework. Having visitors may have prevented the children from asking for help if they'd needed it. On the other hand, parents being busy is always a good excuse for not being able to finish homework and watch the television or play a game instead.
 
Shaun left soon after. The tension between Shaun and Vanessa is still very obvious, and quite distressing for their friends, who'd like to see a happy and more relaxed relationship. However, it's something they'll have to resolve for themselves.
 

Fri. 16 June

There was only a very small number of students at the Youth Group tonight; and most of them were the younger ones, as the seniors are all in the middle of their end-of-semester exams.
 
Vanessa showed a video Care Australia made in Somali a few years ago when she was there. Then Shaun showed some slides he took of the orphanage he'd worked in, in Kenya. It was obvious that Rick hadn't gone out of his way to mention to our guests that the other would be there, until it was fixed that both would come and speak.
 
They both spoke fluently and passionately about the people they'd worked with, and their plights. It gave the youngsters an
understanding of how others, less fortunate than themselves, cope with life. Both Vanessa and Shaun gave them an interesting insight into what we, in the first world, can do to help these people. I saw a number of our teenagers sit up and take notice, and they asked some in depth questions of our speakers afterwards.
 
To my eagle eye, who was watching them discretely from the back of the room, they were a little awkward together; but to anyone else it was probably not obvious.
 

Wed. 21 June

Vanessa has had to go to Sydney for a few days for work and medical treatment. Ali made sure that she mentioned this information to Shaun earlier in the afternoon, before later asking him to come for dinner when the centre closed. This time there was no hesitation, and he accepted our invitation immediately.
 
We talked about it together after Shaun left. There's no doubt that a mutual attraction exists, but it's strange how they actually argue and try to put the other down. Shaun is expecting to enter the seminary in the new year, so it's possible that he's trying to fight his feelings for Vanessa, and avoiding being with her.
 
Maybe Vanessa is interpreting this avoidance as rejection, or dislike of her company. I know Assumpta and I didn't get it together for three years. I wouldn't even admit to myself the attraction I felt for her, until the night we found ourselves alone at the Killnashee Wood. I couldn't help myself, and it very nearly turned out quite different. I wonder what would've happened if Brendan and the others hadn't returned at exactly the moment they did?
 
I don't think Assumpta understood how deep my feelings for her went. I think she was also fighting her attraction for me as she
would have thought it an impossible relationship. Maybe Vanessa too is trying to avoid coming between Shaun and his chosen
vocation.
 
I remember the night when Assumpta was short-handed, when her assistant was sick. I helped Assumpta to clean up after the pub closed, and we shared a few too many drinks. Assumpta wanted me to stay and talk. She asked me if there was ever anything I wanted but couldn't have; and what stopped me? I sensed the danger if I stayed, so I made a joke about having to go, and escaped. Assumpta was angry with me for several weeks, and accused me of not having the same time for her as I did for my other parishioners. I wonder what would've happened it I'd stayed and answered her question? All these 'what ifs'??!!!
 
There are actually quite a few similarities between our relationship and Vanessa and Shaun's. I hope that theirs has a happier ending than ours did, although my relationship now is almost perfect.
 

Thurs. 22 June

Amy came into my office today, to say goodbye while she takes leave to have her baby, and then look after it. She is almost 7 months pregnant, and is definitely starting to show quite a bit under her bulky winter uniform. She's completed the semester with good scores, and she intends to pick up her studies again next year to complete her secondary education.
 
She thanked me for my help, and promised to bring the baby in to show me after it was born. She gave me a box of chocolates and an unexpected friendly hug. I felt a bit embarrassed, and was thankful the door was open; but to her it was the most natural way to show appreciation. It's a pity that today we have to be so restrained about how we show our feelings.
 
Later it was clear that Amy's embrace had been witnessed by the office staff, when they ribbed me about how popular I was amongst some of the students. I bought them off from any further teasing by sharing my chocolates with them. I'm glad that Amy is so happy now, and that I was able to help her.
 
Jason finished his exams today; so he's very happy to have an extra long break before the next semester starts. The school encourages their senior students to do some sort of work experience or volunteer work, while their teachers are marking the exams and writing reports. The official holidays for everyone else start in just over a week. Jason argues that he gets work experience at McDonalds, so he opted to do extra shifts there and get paid for it, rather than do volunteer work.
 

Fri. 23 June

Tonight was the last Youth Group meeting for the second term. It was a Progressive Dinner, where the youngsters moved to a
different house for each course, all four being within walking distance of each other.
 
Our house being the furthest from the church, is where everyone started. We had a few bowls of nuts and crisps out for the early arrivals, then served a choice of two homemade soups with crunchy fresh bread. Ali had made a large pan of mixed vegetable soup, while Phyllis had made a similar quantity of delicious pumpkin soup. Both soups were made from produce grown by John at Elouera.
 
Phyllis had come over to help Ali with serving and with Stephanie, so that was great. When everyone had finished their soup, we moved onto the next house, leaving Alison and Phyllis to clean up after us. The second house was only two blocks away, and it took about 10 minutes for everyone to get there. At this second house we had our main course, which consisted of boiled rice and a choice of five different dishes including a hot curry.
 
At the third house we had dessert, and then at the last house there was tea, coffee, hot chocolate and biscuits. Rick lead the devotions session here as well. Being a cold night, most people appreciated the hot drinks, although a few youngsters still preferred the cold ones that were available. I gave the biscuits a miss; but was amazed at how much these young people still had room for.
 

Mon. 26 June

This is the last week of school before the mid-year holidays; although the seniors who've finished their exams, don't have to attend. The teachers are all flat-strapped writing their reports that have to be finished so that the students can take them home on Friday. 
 

Wed. 28 June

It dawned a wet and miserable day, which didn't improve when Alison woke feeling unwell. She said that she'd try to stay in bed for awhile and see how she felt by lunchtime, before ringing Shaun up and cancelling her shift at the Youth Centre. Vanessa offered to stay and work from home in case Ali needed help with Stephanie, so that was really sweet of her. I rang Shaun from my office to warn him, but we both hoped that Ali would get better, because the female volunteer who usually fills in, is unavailable on Wednesdays.
 
When I came home in my lunch hour it was still raining. I found that Alison was no better, and seemed even worse. It was obvious that she couldn't go to the Centre. I explained to Vanessa about our difficulty in getting a replacement, and asked her how she felt about filling in for Alison this afternoon. She hesitated, but couldn't really refuse with Alison looking so sick. Also, she knew that she would actually enjoy the work, and it's only Shaun's presence that stops her volunteering now.
 
That fixed, I rang Shaun, then hurried back to work. I promised Vanessa that I'd come home early to get her to the Centre on time. When I dropped her off at 4pm, I promised to return a 8 to pick her up. Ali still wasn't well, so I cooked dinner, while Jane amused Stephanie. The boys cleared up after their dinner and I took Stephanie in for Ali to feed, then put her to bed.
 
Although the rain had eased during the afternoon, it was raining again as I drove the car to pick Vanessa up. It was five minutes to eight when I walked in, and Tony was trying to get last of the young people to finish their game of pool and leave.
"You'll find Vanessa in Shaun's office arguing about something", he indicated to me as I walked over.
 
I suppose it would be too much to ask those two to just get on with the job, without making such heavy work of everything they do together. As I reached the door of Shaun's office, Vanessa was just accusing him of being a chauvinist. Her eyes were flashing with heightened emotion, and she was very angry. When she saw me, she picked her coat and flounced out, leaving Shaun standing staring after her. He looked quite flushed, and gave me a puzzled look. I shrugged my shoulders and shook my head in despair, and gave him a knowing grin.
"Can you two lock up OK? I think I'd better take her home, before she takes it into her head to walk it in the rain."
 
Shaun smiled then, and waved me to go; so I followed Vanessa out to the car.
"What was that all about?" I asked her, once we were seated.
She declared indignantly that Shaun was the most chauvinistic person she'd come across in Australia. He'd told Vanessa that he didn't believe that women should be allowed to fight in the defence forces, and that they shouldn't be in the front-line, even if they were trying to help people.
"He probably doesn't believe that women should be ordained as priests either, or even work outside the home," she added angrily.
 
As I'd never discussed these issues with Shaun, there was nothing I could say in reply. I expect that Shaun's concern about women working in the front-lines is due to his concern for Vanessa and her personal safety, rather than a principle about women in general. I wouldn't want Alison exposed to such danger or horror either.
 
I think I'd better have a talk to Shaun about all this, but I'm not sure how to raise the subject at present.
 

Fri. 30 June

Thankfully Alison is much better again, and her illness was only a 24 hour bug of some sort. No-one else in the family succumbed, so that's a relief too.
 
The second term for the year ended today, so all the children have two weeks of holidays from school. Our three brought home their reports, and we were pleased with them all. Jason wasn't happy with a comment from his Physics teacher, who suggested that he needed to chat a little less, and listen a little more. I had a talk to him about it, and in the end Jason agreed that maybe there was some truth in what the teacher had said. He promised that he'd try to curb the talk in class a bit more next term.
 
Other than spending four days in Sydney next week, we're not going to do a great deal, as we have our big overseas holiday in just over two months.
 

Sat. 1 July

The opportunity to talk to Shaun arose unexpectedly when I ran into him while shopping for a few things to take to Sydney. He asked after Alison, and I was able to reassure him that she was much better and only seemed to have had a 24-hour bug of some sort. Although that was long enough when you have a family, I added.
 
I suggested we have a coffee in the nearby Coffee Lounge, and was pleased when he accepted my invitation. I brought up the subject by asking him what he'd said to Vanessa on Wednesday to get her so het up. He confessed that he'd probably not handled the conversation very well. Instead of convincing her of how much he admired the work she'd done, his comments about the dangers she'd faced got twisted, until his concern about her safety became interpreted as criticism for being in such a dangerous situation.
 
Vanessa accused him of being sexist and out-of-date, and she'd taunted him that as a priest, he could hide himself behind an institution in a safe middle-class suburb, and not have to face the real world. She said that all he had to do was what the bishop said, and he'd be hunky dory for the rest of his life. He didn't have to earn an income, nor keep himself, as the church would look after him, she'd suggested.
 
He tried to refute these accusations, and tell Vanessa that these days it was very hard work and long hours being a priest. He was trying to explain that if women were in frontline situations, some men might put themselves in danger trying to protect them. This was when I'd arrived, and Vanessa had chosen to leave rather than hear him out.
 
Of course, Shaun's horror at the hardship Vanessa had endured in Somalia and Bosnia drove him to try to persuade her not to go back to a similar situation. Vanessa had resented this, seeing it as interference in her life.
 
Shaun asked me if I thought that he might be escaping responsibility by becoming a priest. He wondered if he was taking the soft option, and if there might be some truth in what Vanessa was accusing him of.
 
He didn't think he was being old-fashioned about women's rights. He admitted that the thought of foreign criminals holding someone like Vanessa against their will, left him in such terror, that he could have nightmares about it. He did want to protect her from such dangers.
 
I tried to explain to him that neither of us have any rights to interfere in Vanessa's choice of work. All we could do is point out the dangers, and try to make her understand how her activities could affect others; not only us, but her parents and other loved ones.
 
As far as the other issue goes, I told Shaun that his calling to the priesthood was between him and God. I described why I disagree with Vanessa when she suggests that becoming a priest is escaping from responsibility. In fact I think it is exactly the reverse. Being a priest carries a lot of responsibility, as a lot of people put their complete trust in priests. If a priest messes up, the repercussions may be felt by many clergy around the whole globe.
 
"Being a priest is like so many vocations, a lot of hard work with very little thanks. You rarely see the fruits of your efforts", I pointed out to him. "But when you do see a result, it can give you a terrific boost."
I left Shaun to chew over what I'd said.
 

Mon. 3 July

We left for Sydney this morning, and are staying in the same Youth hostel we used before. I booked us on a 2pm tour of the Olympic Games site at Homebush Bay, and the children found this very exciting. It's a very big venue that accommodates all the sports with the exception of the rowing, sailing and equestrian events. Even the athlete's village is on site.
 
After dinner, we went back to the Youth Hostel where the children enjoyed making the acquaintance of a number of overseas
travellers. They were thrilled to meet a young couple from Belgium, who patiently told them about lots of things they might like to see there in September. They are very keen to sample Belgium chocolates now.
 

Tues. 4 July

We spent the whole day at Wonderland, an adventure park ideally suited to the teenage group. They exhausted themselves (and us) by trying out almost every ride and activity available. By 4pm we were glad to flop down and have a quick drink before returning to the car. Andrew and Maree had invited us all for dinner, so after returning to the hostel to refresh ourselves, we drove the short distance to their house.
 
It was lovely to sit down and eat the delicious meal that Maree had prepared. Bradley is now 14 months old and walking confidently. He's also starting to talk, saying words as we point to them. The children enjoyed playing with him, now he is so mobile. Stephanie loved watching them, and seemed to want to join in with their games. She is only just over four months younger than Bradley, so it won't be long and the age gap will become insignificant.
 

Wed. 5 July

This morning we took the train into the city where we climbed the Sydney Habour Bridge. It was an interesting experience, especially as Alison doesn't have a great head for heights, and the breeze up there seemed enormous. However, the view over the habour was fantastic, and worth the effort and cost.
 
We took the monorail to Darling Habour where after having some lunch, we visited the aquarium. The children enjoyed walking
through a glass tunnel that took them through the large tank. They loved watching the constant swimming of the large sharks that
were only the thickness of the glass away from them.
 

Thurs. 6 July

We spent this morning at the Powerhouse Museum where everyone enjoyed the hands on experience of learning about both our past and future technology. Again our children were the perfect age to appreciate the activities and displays there.
 
After lunch we returned to the car and pointed it south to follow the highway home. Everyone agreed that we'd had a good time, and were happy to sit quietly and listen to the tapes and discs they'd brought with them for the journey. Stephanie was asleep before we'd left the suburbs behind, and slept for over two hours. The last hour with her was a bit stressful, but Jane helped entertain her for most of it, showing her how to listen to music using her small earphones.
 
Vanessa welcomed us home with a hot meal. The animals, although well-cared for were very happy to see their young owners again.
 

Fri. 7 July

Today was a case of all hands on deck to get the housework out of the way, before we could relax and enjoy the rest of the holidays. All the children cleaned out their rooms. They found missing socks, and threw away old notes and papers they no longer needed. Ali did about four loads of washing while I dusted and vacuumed. Tonight we have a clean and well-ordered house. As we were all tired, and no-one felt like cooking, we ordered in some Chinese food which we had delivered, so all we had to do was boil some noodles and serve it up.
 

Sat. 8 July

After being house bound all day yesterday, the children couldn't wait to catch up with their friends today. Jason went to Jonno's
house, while Jane invited Emily to come here. Damian was happy to potter around at home and play with Benji, who he said had missed him. Not that Vanessa hadn't done a good job he assured me. But Benji missed the extra love and devotion that Damian gives him, and he gives Damian in return. He had work at the supermarket this afternoon, so he didn't feel left out when the other two were off with their friends.
 

Sun. 9 July

John and Phyllis have offered to have Jane and Damian for a few days. As they love to stay out at Elouera, and John has promised to bring Damian into town for his two supermarket shifts, there was no problem. Benji will go too, but Mindy will stay home and we'll look after her.
 
Jason asked if Jonno could stay here for a few nights, then he'll stay at Jonno's, so that will give us a break, especially as Vanessa will be in Sydney for most of the week.
 

Tues. 11 July

Phyllis found out yesterday that she had won first prize in a raffle organised by the local fire brigade. It's a weekend snow package for four adults. The prize includes two nights accommodation and meals, 2 full days skiing including lift passes, with lessons and gear hire. She and John are not really interested, so they discussed it with Sarah and David who said that we might like to take the children, as they've never experienced snow before.
 
In the end we compromised, and we so are all going, but for one night only. We were able to change the package to 7 tickets for one night at no extra cost. Sarah and David don't need any lessons, so they donated their lessons to the children. We are going to go in the last weekend of July.
 

Fri. 14 July

Everyone was home again tonight today, so we cooked a large roast and invited Rick to join us. We had a long email from Lisa who recounted some of her holiday experiences in Europe. We got out our large Atlas and showed the children the places that Lisa described. It's only about 6 weeks before we'll be over there ourselves. The children are getting very excited about it.
 

Sun. 16 July

Two weeks ago Ali and I felt that we should stay out of Shaun and Vanessa's problems and let them work it out for themselves. But since coming back from Sydney, we've noticed how miserable and preoccupied Shaun seems to be. Vanessa too looked unhappy when she returned from Sydney, and she's been snappy with the children at times, for no apparent reason. I think they've both lost weight, and look tired. Does that remind me of another couple a few years ago???
 
I talked to Ali, who thinks that they're both stressed trying to be friendly and not antagonise each other. So instead they end up
arguing. I think that they're tense and prickly trying to avoid anyone guessing how strong their attraction is. As a future priest, Shaun must be trying to suppress his feelings for Vanessa, as I tried to do when I first realised that my feelings for Assumpta were not what would be considered acceptable for a priest.
 
I'm not sure about Vanessa, but she must know that if Shaun becomes a priest, then there's no future in a relationship between them. So they often behave in exactly the opposite way to how they actually feel.
 
I came to the conclusion that there was no harm in getting the two of them together in a relaxed family situation. I thought that if they saw more of each other in public circumstances, then it might bring their relationship to a head. If only they could be encouraged to talk about it, then it might resolve the matter one way or another.
 
With this in mind, I asked Phyllis if we could invite Shaun over with us for the BBQ lunch at Elouera, that we'd planned for today. Phyllis was delighted, and said that she should've thought of asking Shaun herself.
 
I was a bit surprised when Shaun accepted the invitation after only a short hesitation. I noticed that he didn't ask if Vanessa was
coming, nor did I volunteer that information.
 
There are so many parallels in their relationship, with how Assumpta and I interacted together for two years. In hindsight, I think Assumpta's feistiness was probably her way of trying to hide how she really felt about me. I expect that Vanessa is trying hard not to care for Shaun, who she knows is a future priest, and so is not free to love her in return.
 
The day dawned sunny and clear; perfect for a lunchtime BBQ. With so many passengers, we went in two cars. I picked Shaun up with Jason, while Ali took Vanessa ant the three youngest. Shaun was relaxed with us. He told us that he was very happy to go out today, as he'd had success in finding some illusive material he needed to complete a section of his thesis. He admitted that it hadn't been going very well lately. However, yesterday he'd been able to achieve a lot more than he had over the last few weeks.
 
When we arrived, John was showing Vanessa around the garden. She'd admired it from what she saw when she arrived. Shaun
seemed interested in the concept, when I explained how John and Phyllis had set up their property to be as self-sufficient as possible. This was both in energy conservation, as well as in the production of food such as fruit & vegetables, eggs and honey. However, when I suggested that I show him around, he declined, and offered to take Stephanie instead, while Alison was helping Phyllis in the kitchen.
 
With John being busy showing Vanessa around, no-one was cooking the meat. Stephanie appeared to be in capable hands, so I started up the barbeque. When John and Vanessa returned, he said he'd just go and wash his hands, then he'd come and help me. Vanessa moved into the safety of the kitchen to see if the ladies needed any help there.
 
They assured her that everything was nearly ready, and they were just waiting for the meat to be cooked. Phyllis suggested she go outside and help Shaun entertain Stephanie. A baby is always a safe subject, so she joined them on the patio. I watched out of the corner of my eye, from my vantage point by the barbeque.
 
"Isn't she a sweetie?" Shaun asked Vanessa as she walked over. "Look at her smiling away."
"Yeah, smiling because she's just caught sight of me walking over, and she thinks she's going to be rescued." Vanessa spoke
lightheartedly.
"Yeah? Well I don't see her jumping out of my arms. Do you?" he replied.
"No? Well watch this." She said, as she just put her arms out, and Stephanie immediately reached out to her.
"Yeah, well that's cheating," he accused. "See here," and he put out his arms to Stephanie who immediately moved back to Shaun, giggling as she thought this was a great new game. She wiggled around in Shaun's arm getting ready to move back to Vanessa.
 
"I think we'll have to call it a draw," he said laughingly as Stephanie reached out and moved back into Vanessa's arms.
"Hmph" Vanessa shrugged, as Stephanie prepared to move across to Shaun again.
 
"Let's try something different," Shaun suggested when she settled onto his lap. "Do you know the rhyme 'This Little Piggy went to Market', Stephanie?" he asked her.
"What's that," Vanessa asked, wondering if he was going mad.
"I'll show you," he offered, and proceeded reciting the old rhyme while he wiggled each of Stephanie's toes in turn; much to her
delight.
"Where did you learn that?" Vanessa asked him.
"From my nephews and nieces. My sister has three under five years," he replied. "I'm their favourite uncle when I visit them."
"Yeah. Well when you've finished, we'll show you another party trick, won't we Steph?." Vanessa challenged him.
 
When Shaun finished the rhyme, Vanessa took a serviette off the table and opened it out. She gently draped it over Stephanie's head asking "Where's Stephanie?"
Steph of course pulled the serviette off her head in a fit of squeals and giggles, as her face appeared, and Vanessa called "Peek-a-boo."
 
When Stephanie indicated that she wanted to do it again, Shaun put the serviette over Vanessa's head, asking "Where's Vanessa?"
Stephanie reached over and pulled it off, going into another fit of laughter as she uncovered Vanessa's face.
 
Shaun went to replace the serviette, and as he did so, he accidentally (or so it seemed), stroked Vanessa's cheek with the back of his hand. She flinched back, as if she'd been hit by an electric shock.
"Why'd you do that?" she demanded abruptly.
"Do what? Put the cloth over your face?" he asked innocently.
"No. You know what I mean?" she replied angrily.
 
I pretended not to notice and kept turning the meat as John came over to help.
"I don't." Shaun pleaded innocence. "I was just going to cover your face again."
"Well don't touch me like that again. That's invading my personal space." She said as she flounced off into the kitchen to help bring the plates of food out.
 
"Meat's ready." I called out to everyone as John and I filled up the trays next to us. The older children came running from different directions and we all sat around the Taylor's large out-door table and enjoyed the feast.
 
The rest of the afternoon passed pleasantly. If Shaun and Vanessa had any further interaction, I didn't see it. I only wish that they'd stop arguing, and start talking properly. But then, who am I to criticise? It took numerous attempts before Assumpta and I opened up, and finally told each other how we felt. It was definitely easier second time around with Alison.
 
We stayed for afternoon tea, because Phyllis had made a birthday cake in the form of a doll's dress for Jane's 13th birthday tomorrow. She said it was called a 'Dolly Vardon' cake, and it was very easy to make if you had the right cake tin in the shape of a dress. Phyllis had placed a plastic doll in the centre of the cake, and decorated it in lots of pink and white swirls that represented lace. Jane was naturally delighted with it. So Phyllis offered to make another one for next Saturday, when she's having some friends over for a party. The rest of us just enjoyed the taste of the cake, irrespective of its decorations..
 

Mon. 17 July

Today all the students returned to school for the start of the second semester. Being Jane's 13th birthday, Ali sent a simple square chocolate cake to school for her to share with her friends. Jane also took along some invitations for her birthday party this Saturday. A book and card came in the mail from Lisa, and there was also a parcel from Steve, so Jane had a good day, even if it was the first day back at school.
 

Tues. 18 July

Rick dropped in this afternoon to let me know that Judy McLaren, one of our female volunteers who has been very conscientious about her responsibility to the centre, asked him for a few weeks leave to go to visit her elderly parents in Queensland. They are getting frail, so have decided to sell the old family home, and move into a smaller unit. Judy is needed to help them move, so she's taken 3 months leave from her work, although she hopes it will only take about a month to 6 weeks.
 
Now Rick has the task of finding a replacement. He wanted to know if I thought Vanessa might be a suitable person to approach. I told him that I thought Vanessa was very suitable, but that I wasn't sure if she'd want to do it.
"Still suffering from repercussions of her ordeal in Bosnia?" he asked.
"No", I explained that she may not want to work with Shaun.
 
At his puzzled expression, I explained further how there was often a tension between them, and that they always seemed to get into an argument. I told him what Ali and I thought their problem was. Rick's comment was that if celibacy was going to be a problem for Shaun, then it was better he found out now, rather than after he was ordained. He didn't think people should be pushed into becoming priests unless they were 100% committed, and went into it with their eyes open. He said that even if there's a shortage of priests, he believes that it's better to have the shortage, with only a small number of dedicated and committed men; than have plenty of priests, with many of them feeling trapped by their vows and being unhappy.
 
I have to agree with him on this. We decided that Rick should ask Vanessa himself, so I invited him to stay for dinner.
 
The opportunity came about half an hour later when Vanessa came home from work. It was interesting to observe how much more relaxed she is when speaking to Rick, compared to Shaun.
 
Vanessa was reluctant when Rick first asked her. She claimed that she wasn't active in the church, and didn't fully support all catholic doctrine. Rick said that he could live with that. As long as she was pleasant, and talked with the kids, and supported Shaun in his role as director, then Rick would be delighted to have her fill the temporary vacancy.
 

Wed. 19 July

When Alison came home with Shaun from the Centre tonight, I passed a clean, washed baby to her to feed and put to bed. While she did this, I went into the kitchen to serve up dinner, leaving Vanessa to talk to Shaun.
 
"Hi. So they've talked you into volunteering too now? I didn't think you'd do it when Rick first suggested it." I heard Shaun say to Vanessa as I reached the door with their plates of food.
"Yep. I can stand it if you can," she replied flippantly.
"I think I can cope with that, " Shaun replied with a slow grin. "So we'll see you there at 4 tomorrow then?" he added, raising his eyebrows in amusement.
"Yep, at four. I'm only working part-time at present, so I can juggle the actually times I go in to the office. It takes more than a few hunky males to put me off," she said as I brought two more plates in, and Ali joined us.
 
Over dinner Vanessa started to expound some of her anti-Catholic Church views, including the ridiculous habit of 'men in frocks' carrying out pagan rituals such as incense to ward off evil spirits, and telling people that their sins were forgiven if the said a number of "Hail Marys".
 
At her description of the priest's vestments I started, remembering another feisty young lady using the exact same expression in the same way. Ali saw the stunned expression that momentarily crossed my face, and she must have misinterpreted it as hurt.
 
She coughed, and interrupted Vanessa.
"Ness, before you say any more, I think you ought to know that Peter was once a priest in England, before he came here."
"Oh Yeah!" Vanessa looked at me unperturbed and smile. "Sensible man. At least you had the good sense to get out. I bet you agree with a lot of what I've been saying."
I wasn't sure how to respond to this in front of Shaun. I think that Vanessa was trying to bait Shaun, and get a response out of him. I could tell that Alison was feeling very uncomfortable about the way her friend was directing the conversation, so I tried to find a way to defuse the situation, without simply changing the subject..
 
"Well maybe somethings I do. But you're talking about extreme situations," I replied. "Now talking about 'men in frocks', that's no more ridiculous than judges sitting in court wearing wigs, or academics at graduation ceremonies in their gowns, or brides with veils draped over their faces. They're just a few that come to mind. The list could go on with other costumes of tradition and ceremony, even Scots in kilts."
 
"Yeah, well as I said, they're all ridiculous in this day and age, and you wouldn't see me dead in any of them."
Unfortunately, because Vanessa never completed her degree, I couldn't ask her if she'd refused to wear an academic gown at her graduation ceremony.
 
"Another thing that bugs me is the idea of confession," she continued. "I don't think anybody has the power to give another person absolution. We all have the power and obligation to forgive those who wrong us; but no-one has the power to forgive on God's behalf."
I told her that maybe the idea of confessing to a priest made some people think about their sins more. I pointed out to her that a person doesn't have to go through a priest for absolution, it's just there for those who want to do it in the old traditional way.
 
Shaun didn't say much, so Vanessa's comments didn't have the desired effect I think she wanted. She reminds me a lot of Assumpta when she proclaimed her views of the Catholic Church, and the clergy. Those two would've been dynamite together. I'd love to have seen it.
 

Thurs. 20 July

Tonight I was asked to fill in at the youth centre when Gary, the chap who normally fills the spot, wasn't available. I was pleased to hear that Rick has successfully secured some more volunteers from some of the other parishes; especially some more females. With winter ills setting in, I was getting worried about us being able to cover all our shifts, without causing stress to the volunteers we already have. So far I haven't been called in very often, so I was happy to do the shift today. Also, with Alison and I away in September, Rick needs to fill our spots as well.
 
Being on with Vanessa and Shaun, gave me the opportunity to see how they worked together in front of the kids, and if their
antagonism would show through. Thankfully, they both interacted professionally, and there was nothing anyone could have faulted them on.
 
At one stage, when Vanessa was watching the table-tennis from a distance, while talking to a couple of girls, a stray ball whizzed past her ear and disappeared amongst some stacked seating at the side of the hall. She went to retrieve it, and was bending and twisting in the confined space, trying to reach the ball. Some of the older boys started to imitate her movements, appreciating her trim attractive figure that was showing a bit of extra bare thigh, with a few colourful remarks.
 
I chose to ignore it, but Shaun heard their comments and tore strips off them. He told them firmly, to keep their minds on their game, and off Vanessa.
"Ho! Ho! Ho!" they called out. "You jealous or something?" Shaun ignored them and left, but I caught a flush of embarrassment cross his face. I also saw some money passing from one boy to another a few moments later, and I guessed that some bets were being laid on the chance of a relationship developing between Vanessa and Shaun.
 
It's not easy hiding one's feelings from others; and usually it isn't long before even dogs on the street know about it. Naturally I'm speaking from personal experience again!
 

Sat. 22 July

We celebrated Jane's 13th birthday today with an evening gathering that included Emily, Daniella and six other friends. Jane had
suggested a theme of 'Victoriana', by asking her friends to come dressed up in lacy Victorian Period costume or at least some sort of long frock. She'd asked Phyllis about it in the holidays, and as usual Phyllis had come up with something suitable. She'd found a lemon-coloured lacy bridesmaids frock that Sarah had once worn, and altered it slightly to fit Jane.
 
As it was quite cold, we stayed indoors and served all hot food. We had a number of old-fashioned games organised, then after dinner let them settle down with drinks and snacks to watch a video of 'Sense and Sensibility' plus later a second one by Jane Austen, that Jane felt fitted into her theme.
 
The boys joined us for the food and later the cutting of the birthday cake, but were happy to play their electronic games upstairs. Phyllis had made a second Dolly Vardon cake, and had done a beautiful job of decorating it with bustles and flounces out of fluffy icing. A few little bows and sugar flowers added a delightful finishing touch. Jane was thrilled with it, and insisted we take a number of photos of it before she would cut it. We also made sure we took some photos of the girls as they looked delightful in their frilly dresses and fancy petticoats
 
Jane's friends were a very pleasant lot. We are pleased to see the type of friends she's made at St. Catherine's this year. They were all collected by 10.30pm, so it was not too late. Jane declared it was the best birthday week she'd ever had. Her parents had rung her on Monday after leaving a card and an inappropriate colouring book on our doorstep during the day. I was very proud of the way she thanked her parents, even though a colouring book is not something a thirteen-year-old would use. Her friends gave her mostly different types of cosmetics, so I suppose she's getting to that age now.
 

Wed. 26 July

Tonight while Ali was at the centre and I was watching Stephanie, she took her first steps on her own. She been walking around the coffee table for awhile, and has let go, but tonight she first took her first steps alone. Later she repeated it and took three steps. It was exciting news to greet Ali with when she came home. It won't be long and she'll be running now, and we'll have to run even faster to keep up with her.
 

Thurs. 27 July

Shaun brought Vanessa home from the Centre tonight. He was very concerned about her because she'd reacted extremely strangely when she'd seen a mouse.
 
She'd been in the main hall talking to a few teenagers, when the mouse had darted out after some stacked seating had been moved. While some of the girls squealed and others around had giggled and laughed at their reactions, Vanessa has been petrified, and couldn't be persuaded to move for a few minutes.
 
Shaun had come running, thinking from Vanessa's earsplitting scream, that some serious accident had happened. He said it was lucky he hadn't been near the police button or he might have pushed it. When he'd reached Vanessa, to him it appeared as if she was in a trance, and she was totally oblivious to the people around her.
 
When he'd gently touched her, she'd broken into uncontrollable sobs. She'd thrown herself into his arms looking for protection. With a couple of teenagers making snide remarks, he'd led her into his office where he'd gradually been able to calm her down by stroking her hair and talking to her; reassuring her that she was safe. She'd choked out something about rats eating her toes, and getting tangled in her hair.
 
We both thought that seeing the mouse had caused Vanessa to relive a terrifying experience from her ordeal in Bosnia. As it had occurred just before 8pm, Shaun had made Vanessa a hot cup of tea and asked Gary, the other volunteer, to start closing up.
 
Shaun brought Vanessa home. She said that she didn't want any dinner, so Ali went upstairs with her to get her to talk more about it. I persuaded Shaun to stay and eat with us, and we discussed the terrifying experiences that Vanessa must have endured, to cause such an extreme response to merely seeing the mouse.
 
He asked me if I knew whether Vanessa had been sexually interfered with. Shaun just couldn't bring himself to say the word 'rape'. I told him that I had no idea, as Vanessa refused to talk about it to any of us.
 
When Ali came down, she said that Vanessa was in bed and curled up tight into a ball. She'd made her a hot water bottle, which Vanessa insisted on clutching close. All that she'd tell Ali was that she was locked up in some gruesome places that Vanessa believed were rat infested. I could see that Shaun was more upset than relieved at Ali's information. He excused himself as early as he could do so politely, and went home.
 

Fri. 28 July

Although we tried to listen, and checked several times, there was no noise from Vanessa's room all night. When she got up this
morning she looked like she hadn't slept much. On our encouragement, she called in sick to work, and made an appointment to see her therapist.
 
Ali and I both felt helpless. We wanted to help her, but didn't know how. We both suggested to Vanessa that talking to us about her experiences might help to fight the demons that were still there in her head; always there and wanting to come out and show themselves at the most inappropriate time.
 
She tried to force a smile, and said that she'd talk to her therapist about it first. She seemed a little better this evening, and insisted she was fine to look after the house while we were away at the snow over the weekend.
 

Sat. 29 July

The drive from home to the Ski-tube, where we left our car, took just over 2 hours. The children were very excited and chattered away. It's actually a good practice run for us when we'll be travelling together in just over 4 weeks time. I can see that we're going to have fun trying to keep an eye on them all.
 
Our accommodation was in one of the Ski Lodges in Perisher valley. Ali and I started by sharing the responsibility of carrying of Stephanie in her back-pack. At nearly 11 months old she is getting quite heavy. When she was sick of being in the back-pack this afternoon, she started verbally protesting. When that didn't get the required response, she uped the ante by kicking. Finally she decided that extreme measures were needed, and pulling our hair would work. Alison couldn't handle it, so handed Stephanie over to me in frustration.
 
I had to get quite firm with her, and tell her that she had no choice but to be carried in the back-pack. I told her that the snow was cold and wet, and let her feel it by placing her hands in it. Once the cold had started hurting her, she was happy to be picked up and dried off. I then put her back into the carrier. Thank goodness she's a fast learner, and remembers such a lesson. I didn't like making her feel the biting cold like that, but neither did I like my hair being pulled.
 
The older children enjoyed their skiing lessons this morning, and seemed to pick up it up quite quickly. By the end of the day they were all skiing the nursery slopes reasonably competently. Damian and Jane seem to have very good natural balance, and Jason has experience on skate boards, which would've helped him master the skill of gliding on snow.
 
Ali and I discussed this evening how much work Stephie entails, and we both agreed that we might wait a little while longer before thinking about a brother or sister for her. It's great that Sarah and David have come with us, because one of us could join them when the other was stuck back at base with Stephanie, and watching the older ones have their lessons. However, when Stephanie was having her nap, someone was tied to her, and the other one of us had to stay with our youngsters.
 

Sun. 30 July

We had another pleasant day in the snow. The children had a second lesson each, and by the afternoon were getting so adventurous I was getting quite worried, trying to keep up with them. After lunch we gave them two more hours, and told everyone to meet back at the chalet by 3 o'clock. Jason was about 10 minutes late, but other than that, we were back on the Ski-tube by 3.30pm.
 
The boys travelled back with Sarah and David in their car, so we only had the girls. With Stephanie asleep nearly the whole way home, it was a very enjoyable drive.
 
I'm wondering if Sarah and David are thinking of starting a family. They saw both the hard work and responsibility having children is. But they also saw the joy they bring. Now Stephanie has taken her first steps, she is getting more confidence. She had a lovely time yesterday, walking from one person to another. No-one had a gap further than about a metre and a half, and Stephanie had a wonderful time walking from one pair of outstretched arms to another.
 
She's been saying 'Mum, Mum' lately, and this is now being directed to Ali. However, she's refused to say 'Dadda', but seemed to come out with 'Peta' instead today. We are still trying to work out if it was for real or not. Because the others call me Peter, then it's likely Steph may too.
 

Tues. 1 Aug.

It's exactly one month, or 31 days to go before we leave to fly to Europe. Everything is organised. I've ordered some foreign
currency, mainly English pounds and European euros. Just a little to tide us over when we first arrive. These days with credit cards it's so much easier to access funds.
 
The children were very interested to see the foreign money. They are getting quite excited, and resent that they still have quite some school work to complete before we go. I have to admit I'm getting very excited myself too. I can't wait to see Merry ole England again, and it's nearly a year since Steve was out here, and we saw him last.
 
Vanessa is going to house-sit and look after the animals. Lorraine and Geoff have promised to come over and check on the garden, because if we have an early spring, everything could flourish and be full of weeds when we get back. They've co-opted Ben to mow, if the grass takes off before we return.
 

Thurs. 3 Aug.

As Vanessa doesn't have a car, I went to pick her up from the Youth Centre tonight. I was running about 10 minutes late, so wasn't surprised to find the building locked up and the main lights out. Having a key, I let myself in and made my way to Shaun's office where I could hear voices.
 
"Look Shaun," I heard Vanessa say, "you've been stringing me along for months now, and I want this resolved."
"I haven't, honestly Vanessa. I haven't done anything of the sort." Shaun denied her accusations.
 
I stopped in my tracks and considered my options. I decided not to interrupt, because it seemed that at last they were starting to talk. From my own experience I know that they have to discuss their feelings openly, and I hoped that this was what they were about to do.
 
"Yes you have," Vanessa continued. "What about when you took advantage of me last week; when I saw the mouse?"
"I wasn't stringing you along; I was just trying to protect you from that ferocious rodent."
"Shaun, don't make fun of me. I can't help this fear of rats and mice."
 
I was standing in the dark hall where they couldn't see me. I wondered if I could go back and re-enter the hall a bit later. But if they heard me retreat, my eavesdropping would be revealed. I had no choice but to stay put.
 
"I'm not making fun of you, Ness. I'm only pointing out that I wasn't stringing you along," Shaun replied gently.
"Well that's the way it appears to me," she added defiantly.
"Vanessa, in future, if a mouse comes in here to attack you, I take it you want to handle it on your own then?"
"Well, I never asked you not to," she said, sticking her nose into the air.
 
Shaun laughed. "Not in words you didn't, but in actions???….   Of course, throwing yourself in my arms could be interpreted as something quite different by someone else."
 
Vanessa uttered a loud and exasperated exclamation. I could see that this conversation wasn't going to resolve anything, so I turned and reached for the door behind me and pushed it open. I called out as I did it. I apologised for being late and took Vanessa home. As usual nothing was said, but somehow I have the feeling that the situation is coming to a head.
 

Sat. 5 Aug.

John and Phyllis left for Europe today. Sarah and David drove them in their car, and we met them at the airport to see them off. We will meet them next in London, at the end of September, just before they take the children back home with them. They'll look after the three of them until we return two weeks later.
 
Ben is staying in their house and looking after the animals for them. Sarah and David said that they were happy to be called on if any more help was needed. Ali and I reminded him that we were also willing to pitch in if he needed any help.
 

Mon. 7 Aug.

Jane made her first public appearance tonight, playing flute with a number of other beginners in the school's regular concert for
parents where they show what they've learnt. There were about 15 different items, that included singing as well as a number of
different instruments.
 
The concert finished just after 9pm, so we hurried home. We'd left Vanessa babysitting Stephanie and the boys, so didn't want to overuse her generousity. I was surprised to see Shaun's car parked out the front of our house as we drove up. I wonder what could've brought on the call, and hoped that everything was all right.
 
As we walked in the front door, I was stunned to hear the words, "It's not what's in your head I need to hear", spoken in a female voice.  It sent a shiver down my spine when I remembered when those same words had been said to me.
Shaun turned around and saw us. I always seem to be walking in on their private conversations.
"Oh, hi'ya. I didn't hear you drive up. Well I must be going then. Thanks for the feed Vanessa. See ya." He called out to us and was gone out of the door before I could politely see him out. Ali followed Vanessa upstairs as she was spitting chips after her argument with Shaun.
 
I waved Shaun off, then waited to find out from Ali what was going on, although I had already guessed some of it.
 
Jason came downstairs.
"Gee! Those two are really weird," he declared.
"Why? What do you mean?" I asked him, pretending ignorance.
"Well, when Shaun arrived, and Vanessa answered the door, they didn't speak at first. Then Vanessa said something like 'What do you want'. Not nastily, but like she didn't really want to see him. I think Shaun was a bit embarrassed. He said that he came to see you, so Vanessa said you were out, but wouldn't be long; then she said he could wait if he liked. I offered to hold Stephanie while she got him something to eat, because he'd come straight from the Centre. I don't think she really wanted to get it for him because she took a long time."
 
Jason said he didn't think Shaun seemed to mind though, as he just played with Stephanie and talked to him about the Centre. When Vanessa came back with some coffee and sandwiches, Jason gave Stephanie back to Vanessa and went upstairs. He said he thought it was strange, because it seemed as though they were angry at each other, but Jason couldn't see what they were angry about. He thought that they might've had a fight at the Centre last time.
 
"Later on I think they were arguin' about somethin', and Ness was getting' real angry with him when you and Ali got home," he said. "Gee those two really seem to hate each other," he added. I was going to lecture him about the inappropriate use of the word 'hate', which I dislike intensely, but Ali came downstairs at that moment, so I let Jason go back upstairs.
 
I asked Ali if she could work out what was going on. She said that Vanessa wouldn't say a lot at first. She called Shaun a fool and a few other choice names that Ali wouldn't repeat. However, with some gentle probing and in tears, Vanessa told Ali that Shaun often gives her the impression that he likes her in a special way, and then next minute he withdraws, and is distant and aloof towards her. She is confused, as she keeps getting these mixed messages.
 
Tonight he was like that again, so she asked him straight to his face what was going on, and what it was he wanted. He told Vanessa that he wasn't sure; that he felt confused and needed time to think. I expect that's when Vanessa gave the reply that nearly stopped me in my tracks when we walked in.
 
We both think that the relationship between the two of them must be coming to a head. I remember that when Assumpta said those exact words to me, it's what made me realise that we had to talk. That's when I took us for the walk beside that beautiful lake, and I finally opened up and told her how I honestly felt about her. If only I'd done it sooner, there would've been so much less hurt for both of us.
 
I can only hope these two get the opportunity to be really honest with each other, and say what is in their hearts. I wish I knew what I could do that would help get them talking.
 

Thurs. 10 Aug.

I'd hoped that Shaun would contact me. Jason said on Monday night, that when Shaun came to the door he'd indicated that he came to see me. He didn't come home with Ali for dinner last night, and she said he looked awful. It's breaking my heart seeing them both this way, and Vanessa being as prickly as a cactus. I felt compelled to speak to him, so I rang him from work and arranged to meet him for lunch.
 
"What's happening Shaun?" I asked, after we'd exhausted all the mundane preliminary platitudes.
"I don't know what..", he started to say, then stopped. "You mean with Vanessa and that, don't you?"
"Yep," I replied briefly, but with what I hoped was an encouraging smile.
 
Shaun lowered his head for a moment, his hands clasped tightly in his lap. Then he looked up at me.
"It's not easy for me," he began, shaking his head. "I never meant for this to happen."
I asked him what had happened? He said his feelings for Vanessa. Here he was preparing to become a priest, and pledge himself to a life of celibacy, and his feelings for Vanessa were far from celibate; they were completely out of control.
 
He admitted to having difficulty sleeping. He had to force himself to work on his thesis, and when he did fall asleep, he had nightmares dreaming that Vanessa was being attacked. It brought back some of my own painful memories that I thought I'd forgotten.
 
With him due to go into the seminary in less than 6 months, his parents were really thrilled he told me. His local parish priest gave regular updates on his progress to the congregation of his local church. He didn't want to let then down.
 
Shaun said that he just didn't know what to do. The effect that Vanessa had on him, whenever she was near, was something he'd never experienced before, and he found it very disturbing. At first he thought it was because she was so stunningly attractive; but he knew it was more than her simply being beautiful.
 
He tried to tell himself it was because she'd face such terrible dangers and wouldn't agree not to do the same again in the future; but he was sure it wasn't that either.
 
"So what now?" I prompted him.
"I don't know. I don't think I should talk to Vanessa until I sort out what I'm going to do." He said despondantly.
 
I reminded him, that just as his decision to become a priest was between him and God, so too should his doubts be discussed with God. I said that if he asks, then God will show him what to do. I repeated what Rick has said about the number of priests. If all those few we have are totally committed, then that is better than there being sufficient priests in number, but many of them feeling trapped by vows they couldn't keep, or rules they found difficult to work under.
 
"You know that there are more ways to serve God, that being a priest," I reminded him. I was sure that his parents would understand, as they would above all else want him to be happy. I explained that I felt sure that God values each one of us, and all our contributions; and I'm sure He doesn't value priests above lay people.
 
Shaun looked at me, and asked if I'd ever had problems with celibacy when I was a priest. I told him "yes"; and described my
temptations with Jenny in Manchester. I explained that I'd asked for a transfer when I thought things were getting out of hand, and I wasn't confident of being able to handle it.
"So that was the end of it then?" he asked.
"Well, it wasn't quite so simple", I had to admit. So I told him how Jenny had tracked me down in Ireland, and confronted me with questions about our relationship.
 
I confessed that in hindsight, I hadn't handled it very well. I should have been honest with her from the start, like I was finally in
Ireland. Once Jenny realised that I meant to stick to my vows, she accepted it and left, and we departed friends.
 
"I'm surprised that you didn't have any lovely Irish colleens tempt you from your vows in Ireland," he observed.
I felt a flush of pink around the back of my neck. Not to tell him about Assumpta now would be dishonest and misleading, so I did. I told him the whole story, and how difficult I found it at the time to make my own decision. I described how I'd tried for a long time to have it both ways, which was impossible. In fact it's what caused Assumpta to go and marry her old college boyfriend.
 
Shaun seemed quite taken back by what I told him. I explained that the only reason I hadn't told him before, was that I didn't want to influence his decision. What was right for me, wasn't necessarily right for him, I tried to say.
 
He admitted that he thought about Vanessa all the time, and the thought of her marrying someone else, was nearly as upsetting as the thought of her going back to another war zone and risking being captured and mistreated again. All he wants to do, he said, was to be with her, and look after her, to protect her from the things that caused her to react the way she did when she saw the mouse.
 
"But what does Vanessa think about that?" I asked him.
"I don't know," he confessed. "I suppose I really have to talk to her, to find that out. But first I have to tell my family that I'm not
going into the seminary next year. Then I'll have to rethink my future completely."
 
I reminded him that he shouldn't leave God out of the discussion either. He seemed a lot happier when he left, compared to how he was at the beginning of our lunch. I only hope I haven't influenced him too much one way or another.
 

Mon. 14 Aug.

We had another letter from Brendan Kearney today. He said that he was looking forward to seeing us in October, and suggested that I ring him from London to let him know exactly when to expect us. He said that Siobhan and Dr. Ryan were also looking forward to catching up with me.
 
He mentioned that Fr. Aiden, who had replaced me two years ago, had left BallyK a few weeks ago, and a new priest was due to arrive any day now. "Another new one for us to break in" he'd written in jest.
 

Thurs. 17 August

When I came to pick Vanessa up from the Centre, she and Shaun were by the phone, and Shaun was holding his head. He looked upset and Vanessa was stroking his hair. She stopped when I came in.
 
"What's happened?" I asked. Vanessa explained that Shaun had just had an upsetting phone call from his sister about 10 minutes ago. I looked to Shaun for a further explanation. He told me that his father had had a heart attack. He was in intensive care in the Wagga Wagga Hospital. His sister had indicated that there was a good possibility that their father wouldn't survive, and had asked Shaun to drive up immediately.
 
Shaun was just coming to terms with the news, and he intended to leave as soon as he'd gathered up some things from his room. Both Vanessa and I offered to drive him, but he insisted he was fine. It was only a two and a half hour drive, and it wasn't late he pointed out. Also, he had a lot of things he wanted to think about, so he didn't mind driving alone for awhile.
 
He promised to ring me from the hospital when he knew how his father was, and I promised to see Rick and sort out cover for him at the Centre for the next few days.
 
Shaun said what was so sad, was that his parents had suffered a lot over the last few years. Apart from all the worries that many people in the bush were suffering, such as reduced medical and other services like banks etc.; his father had lost both his parents, a brother and a close friend, all in the last two years. He choked up a little when he told us that his mother was just getting over a bout of pneumonia as well, before this happened. It had been a heavy burden for his sister, who had her own young family, but lived nearby.
 
Vanessa put her arm around him again. He reached up and squeezed her hand and mumbled his thanks. Then unexpectedly, he turned around and drew close, and buried his face into her chest.
 
I said that I'd go and lock up. It was not an exchange that needed an audience. I suppose Shaun is now worried how his parents will cope with the disappointment of hearing that he has changed his mind about becoming a priest.
 
I took my time, then returned to the office just as Shaun was pulling away.
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that." I heard him say.
"Why not Shaun? I can comfort you when you're upset." Vanessa disagreed.
"I know; but not now. I've got to go. Peter, you'll tell Rick I'm sorry…"
I assured him I'd speak to Rick straight away, and we'd work something out until he got back. Vanessa offered once more to come to keep him company on the drive, but when he insisted he'd be fine, she ushered him out so we could lock up. He reached for her hand and kissed it gently, then opened his car and drove off.
 
In the car I turned to Vanessa, and asked her straight out what her feelings for Shaun were. She looked away and chewed her bottom lip, then she turned back to face me.
"I don't know, Peter." She answered my question looking tragic. "I don't want to be responsible for him giving up his plans to be a priest."
 
"But if he wasn't think of becoming a priest, could you let yourself care for him a little then?" I asked her.
She smiled.
"Yeah, I suppose it would be different then." She replied whimsically. "Let go home. You've got to ring Rick," she reminded me.
 
Shaun rang me from Wagga Hospital just after 11pm. He said his father was still unconscious, and attached to a number of monitors and drips. But he was hanging in there, so everyone was optimistic. He mentioned that he had another problem, however. He was missing his wallet, and hoped that it might still be lying on his desk in the Centre, beside the telephone.
 
I told him I'd go now to have a look, because if it wasn't there, we'd have to think of other places to look for it. I promised to ring him on his mobile if I found it.
 
Vanessa insisted on coming back with me to the Centre, to help me look for it. Thankfully we found it immediately, exactly where Shaun remembered seeing it last. I noticed Vanessa holding it fondly as we returned to the car. I rang Shaun back from outside the Centre, and we discussed how I could get it back to him quickly. He gave me his parent's address where he was staying.
 
In the car, Vanessa pointed out that posting it wasn't really safe for a wallet containing cash and cards. Also being a Thursday night, there was no way Shaun would get it before Monday. She suggested that if Ali would lend her car, then Vanessa could deliver it to Shaun in person tomorrow. When we got home Alison agreed to this without any hesitation.
 

Fri. 18 August

Shaun rang me at work at lunchtime to tell me that his father had died during the morning, with all his family around him. He said he really appreciated Vanessa bringing him the wallet, as it contained all his important cards and things.
 
As the weekend was coming up, he asked if it was all right to invite Vanessa to stay, when she had Alison's car. He really appreciated her support, as both his mother and sister were very upset. It appears that Vanessa has spent the last hours making hundreds of cups of tea and coffee for the many people who were coming by to offer their condolences.
 
I assured him that we could survive without Ali's car, and that it was fine as far as we were concerned, if Vanessa wanted to stay.
 
Vanessa rang this evening to let us know that she would stay until Sunday afternoon, and thanked Ali for the use of her car. She said that Shaun's family were very nice, but at present in a state of shock. They were very pleased to have her stay and support Shaun.
 
She said she'd spent most of the day making cups of tea and washing dishes. She felt pleased that she could help them in this small way, because she was able to stay calm while they often seemed to be distracted and unable to think straight. I pray that the two of them will find the time to sort out their feelings for each other too.
 

Sun. 20 August

Vanessa came home this afternoon. Considering she'd just come from a tragic situation, her demeanor did not reflect this. She was radiating a happiness that she couldn't hide, as she came inside. It was obvious that she and Shaun had finally talked.
 
Ali was out collecting Jane from Daniella's house, so I made her a cup of tea, while she took her bag upstairs, then I invited her to share her news.
"You look very pleased with yourself," I said to her as she came down. "I think you'd better cough up and explain what's caused this transformation."
 
Vanessa confessed that she and Shaun had finally talked and admitted how they felt about each other. They'd spent hours talking last night, and into the early hours of this morning. They were amazed at their instant connection when they'd first met. They even discussed the concept of past lives, and wondered if they'd known each other in a previous life, because their reaction to each other had been so instant.
 
Shaun has decided to give up his plans to become a priest, and Vanessa has promised him that she won't go into anymore dangerous situations, at least not without him. In fact they’ve even got to the stage of talking about getting married next year. They are considering applying to go overseas, or wherever they might be needed to help people less fortunate than themselves. The change is that they won't be going alone, and Shaun won't be going as a priest.
 
Ali was as thrilled as I was, when she heard the news. We both agree that they are ideally suited. Vanessa said that if everything worked out with Shaun's mother, they'd like to get married in St. Jude's Church, by Rick, and in January. This is because that's when Vanessa's parents would be able to get back most easily for a wedding. Vanessa asked Alison to be her 'Matron of Honour', and said that Shaun was planning to ask me to be his Best Man. Ali and I both felt very relieved when we headed for bed this evening.
 

Mon. 21 Aug.

Rick dropped in late this afternoon, and we had a cup of coffee together. He said that he'd had a call from Shaun yesterday. His father's funeral was today, and Rick had organised for flowers to be sent to the family from the St. Jude's parish, especially from it's young people.
 
"So another one bites the dust," he said. I looked a bit puzzled at first. Then Rick said that Shaun had told him that he'd decided that entering the priesthood wasn't for him after all.
"Oh yeah," I responded, when I realised what Rick was referring to. We agreed that obviously Shaun wasn't meant to become a priest, and that working with needy people was just as important as looking after a parish back home.
 
"Have you ever had second thoughts yourself?" I asked Rick. He admitted that on several occasions when things weren't going well, the thought of getting out had crossed his mind. But he said that he'd never got to the stage of seriously considering it.
 
We talked about celibacy, and agreed that in the future, the Catholic Church might have to reconsider the vow in the light of the
shortage of priests. We both could see no reason why a priest couldn't be just as effective if he was married with a family. I think it makes the person more human in some ways. Also it's difficult as a priest, to understand fully all the responsibilities of a father and husband, if they've never experienced it before.
 

Tues. 22 Aug.

Michelle (Amy's friend) came in to my office this morning. She was very excited, and reported that Amy had had her baby. She gave birth to a healthy 3Kg baby boy in the early hours of yesterday morning. Michelle had visited her after school yesterday. She said that the baby was gorgeous, and that Amy was very well, and happy. I decided to visit them in hospital this afternoon, because my diary was surprisingly empty.
 
I found Amy sitting up in her bed, holding her baby when I arrived. Just as Michelle had reported, Amy looked very well, and to me she appeared to be almost blooming with motherly pride.
 
"Mr. Clifford, don't you think he's just beautiful?" she asked me proudly as I came over to give her some flowers I'd brought. I looked at the adorable little face of the sleeping baby, as she moved the covering shawl away from his face.
"Very," I agreed. "And you're looking very well yourself, Amy." I added.
"To think I nearly ended my life, and his," she said with a sign. "Thank you again so much for making me see sense."
 
I smiled, and said that it was nothing; that she just needed time to think clearly about it, and not rush into doing something stupid
without thinking of all the implications.
"Have you given him a name yet?" I asked her.
"Well yes." She blushed a little. "If it's OK with you, I thought of naming him Robert Peter, after my Dad and you. Do you mind?"
"Well n..no, I don't mind." I replied taken back. "I'm very honoured. What's your mother think about it?"
 
She told me that her mother was very relieved now that the birth was over. Amy said that she was thrilled with the little fellow, and approves very much Amy's choice of name for him.
"You were right you know," she continued. I wondered what I'd said. "Sometimes we do have to go through terrible experiences to learn from them."
 
I asked her what she'd learnt. She replied that she now appreciates how precious life is; and that no matter how bad things seem, it should never be thrown away. She added that only God knows what his overall plan for us is. I smiled in understanding.
 
She's going to take a year off from school to look after little Robbie. Then she is going to go back and finish off her Year 12
Certificate. She's decided that she wants to train to be a social worker, so that she can help people like she says I've helped her.
 
I felt very touched and humbled by what she said. The baby started to stir in her arms.
"Would you like to hold him for me?" she invited. "Then I can get myself into a better position."
I took the little boy into my arms and stroked his soft skin. He opened his eyes and looked at me, then yawned.
"Bored with life already" I observed jokingly.
Life is very precious, I thought as I looked at him. I wondered how anyone could consider abortion when looking at a beautiful little fellow like this.
 
Amy's mother came in, and Amy introduced us. She stroked her grandson's head.
"Mr. Clifford, thank you ever so much for what you've done for Amy and for us," she said. She continued. "If I'd lost Amy after
losing Bob, I don't think I could've gone on. It's made me realise how selfish I've been; wallowing in self pity, and forgetting that the children lost their father. They must've been feeling just as bad as I was. Now we have this little man to think about, and be thankful for. We really do thank you."
 
I was beginning to feel quite embarrassed at all this gratitude. I was just doing my job, and I'm very thankful that it all worked out so well. When I left, I felt in my heart that little Robbie had been sent to reunite mother and daughter, and bring the family back together.
 
I only wish that more problems that result in attempted suicide, could be solved as successfully as Amy's situation had been.
 

Fri. 25 Aug.

The St Jude's Youth Group were host tonight to a group from a Tuggeranong parish. They played each other in basketball; each group having formed two male and two female teams, with one being under 15 years, the other for over 15 years.
 
We held it at the Basketball Stadium so we could play 2 matches at a time. It was only a short walk back to the Centre for supper and devotions. As it was our last Youth group meeting, before we leave, everyone wished our family a happy holiday, and safe travel.
 

Sat. 26 Aug.

It's exactly a week before we leave, so we've been working very hard to pack our cases and buy those last minute things we need.
 
Sarah and David dropped in for coffee this afternoon, and announced that Sarah was pregnant. David is very excited, but Sarah admitted that she's not sure how she feels about it yet. She's been feeling queasy and doesn't like that at all. Ali reminded her that when she first found out that she was pregnant, she wasn't very thrilled either. She said that once the morning sickness settled down it was a lot better.
 
I think our excitement over her news, made Sarah feel a bit more enthusiastic. The baby is due in early April, about the same time that Andrew and Maree are expecting their second child. So that will be nice for John and Phyllis.
 

Sun. 27 August

Shaun came back today and he came over to visit Vanessa before even going home to unpack. They've spoken on the phone each day, but by the way they fell into each other's arms when Shaun arrived, it's obvious how much in love they are. They make a very striking couple, and they seem so right together. It's a pity that it took Shaun's father's death to break their reserve, and forced them to admit how they really felt about each other.
 
Ali and I excused ourselves and left them together. I don't think they actually noticed us leave. There's not much privacy for them at either of their residences at present. However, in a week's time, when we've gone, Vanessa will have the house to herself. I think that will be quite a relief for them, as they need to spend time together to get to know each other even better.
 

Wed. 30 Aug.

It's a very busy week for everyone as we try to tie up all the lose ends. We are actually leaving a week before the official end of the school term. Both St. Patrick's and Trinity Colleges are going to try to cope with just one counsellor next week, while I'm gone.
 
Ali went to the Centre for the last time today. Her replacement while she's away is Julie McIntosh who was there tonight. She's just new and had never been to the Centre before. She's a student at the Catholic University here, and is training to be a teacher. Ali said that she was very young, but seemed to have a good level head on her shoulders. She is very sporty, and related well to the youngsters who were there tonight.
 

Fri. 1 Sept.

It was our last day today, as we leave tomorrow. Everything has been packed, and our bags and cases are standing by the door. Vanessa is going to drive us in one car, and David is going to drive the second one, so we'll all fit with our luggage.
 
The children were all very excited tonight, and I didn't think we'd get them into bed. My list of instructions to Vanessa has gone onto a second page. She keeps assuring us that she'll be fine. Geoff and Lorraine have promised to check and make sure Vanessa is OK too. Of course Shaun will be a regular visitor, so I'm sure she will be all right from that point of view.
 
I can't believe that by Sunday I'll be home again, after 2 years away.