Jen Jolley's Peter's Diary, Chapter 11

Chapter 11: Peter Clifford's Journal

by Jen Jolley

For Unto Us a Child is Born

Thurs. 1 April

Today was the last day of term for students and teachers alike. For Alison it's a welcome rest. She's been very tired lately with the musical last weekend, a full teaching load, and being pregnant. We now have two weeks to recuperate, although we've promised Rick to go on the Youth Camp in the last week of the holidays.

Being the first of April, naturally everyone was full of tricks. Jason started by turning all the clocks in the living area back, so that a number of us panicked thinking we were late. Later he sent me back to my bedroom thinking I'd missed something while shaving. I was wise after that. I did retaliate by inserting a piece of cardboard with a message on it, inside Jason's lunchtime sandwich. That should give him something to chew over.

However I wasn't thinking when I got a message from a couple of students to tell me that the principal wanted to see me. Thank goodness she has a sense of humour, because I was the fifth person who'd fallen for the same joke.

The funniest joke I heard over lunch, and was actually carried out by David. His class had been warned of a test the week before. Now one of the frustrations teachers have is that students just don't really read their questions carefully, nor do they follow the instructions given. So at the top of the paper, under the heading, were the words, "Read the whole test paper first, before attempting any questions".

Then followed a number of very difficult questions that had a lot of students really panicking, especially when David refused to
answer their questions, and said that they should just read what was written down. At the end of the paper were the words, "When you having finished reading this paper, write your name on the top of your answer sheet, fold it in half and hand it to your teacher, then do Exercise 6 from your text book".

Only two students followed the instructions, and David's description of the chaos that occurred when some of the students gradually got to the end of the paper was colourful. David is trying to keep out of their way for a while, although most were willing to forgive him when they realised that the 'test' was not going to count in their assessment.

We are going to have Jane, (Damian's sister) over Easter, as their mother has had to go into hospital. I picked Jane up after school tonight, and by the time she arrived, Damian had helped Ali get our last bedroom upstairs ready for her. He'd even made a simple cardboard plaque with "Jane's Room" on it and attached it to the door. Damian was really pleased to have his sister stay here for a week, and has been talking about it for days.

We took everyone to mass tonight where the Stations of the Cross were dramatised. It was a very moving experience, and I think we all came away with a better appreciation of Christ's suffering and sacrifice of us.

Good Friday, 2 April

After our late mass last night, I encouraged everyone to get up late. I insisted Ali stay in bed all morning, and brought her in some hot cross buns and fruit juice to keep her there as long as I could.

Rachel came over this afternoon. She and Lisa boiled a dozen eggs, then had a lovely time helping the younger children paint and decorate them for Easter on Sunday. Even though they're all past believing in the Easter bunny, I had a number of requests that the Easter eggs be hidden in the garden. I've bought a few chocolate ones as well, so there'll be quite a number to hide and find.

I remember the fun that Steve and I had looking for eggs on Easter morning, even after we were really too old. It was great when our younger cousins came to stay, because we didn't have to pretend that we weren't too old for egg hunting, we just 'helped' the younger ones.

Jane is a funny little thing. She's very quiet and a bit nervous of me. She's more comfortable with Ali if Damian isn't around. Like Damian, she's very thin, and possibly she doesn't get enough to eat. I sense that see she's really missed Damian over the last few months, so I've made a mental note to organise to have her visit us more often.

Easter Sunday, 4 April

I hid the eggs last night after the younger children had gone to bed. Lisa made sure that no-one thought of going outside on some whim, while I quietly disposed of all the foil-wrapped chocolate eggs and those that the girls had decorated.

This morning both Jason and Damian enjoyed 'helping' Jane find them all. After a hot 'bacon and egg' breakfast we all attended mass to celebrate that "Christ is Risen". After mass we were invited out to 'Elouera' where John had organised another treasure hunt for the children before having a barbeque lunch. It's the easiest way to feed a crowd informally, and the children love it.

Jane was very quiet out at 'Elouera' and she stayed close to Alison for most of the afternoon. We have her until Thursday, then she and Damian (and Benji) will go to their emergency foster care until after the weekend.

Jonno's parents have agreed to have Jason for the weekend, so that gives Ali and I a break from those responsibilities. However, as it's David and Sarah's wedding at the weekend, it won't really be that restful.

Thurs. 8 April

Well it's been a very busy week keeping the troops happy. On Tuesday I took the boys and Jane fishing, and we managed to catch two red-fin. While Jason was disappointed when we insisted that a couple were too small and had to be thrown back, Damian and Jane were upset that we took two home, and they insisted that they were not going to eat them. I don't think I'll point out to them where our other meat comes from, else we'll have a couple of vegetarians on our hands. Those two need to have as much protein in their diet as possible. The last thing I want is for Alison to have extra work catering for children with diets vastly different to the rest of the family.

Yesterday they all went into Manuka to see a film together with Lisa and Rachel in charge. I'm just thrilled to bits how our little family seems to be getting on, although we do have our squabbles. Like last night when Damian wanted to play his Nintendo with Jane (who he can always beat), but Jason also wanted to play, and there were only two controls.

Then the night before Lisa was having a go at Jason for 'borrowing' (read 'using') her hair mousse. There was a lot of shouting and I had to insist that Jason apologise to Lisa, and agree not to borrow anything without asking first. Lisa in turn promised to show Jason where in the supermarket he could find the haircare products he needed.

Tonight it's all quiet and we're finally on our own as all the youngsters are staying with friends for a few nights. It's amazing how
quickly we've come used to the noise, and how strange and empty the house seems without them.

Fri. 9 April

Tonight was David's Bucks ('Stag') night. Ali went off with Sarah and Fiona, so I was left to do something with David and Brad
(David's brother and best man). Brad had suggested we go to the casino, so we had a meal there, then each put in $20 to gamble. The agreement was that anything we won we'd give to Sarah and David, but once we lost our original kitty we'd stop.

I'm still not too sure about the morality of gambling, and I know that as a priest I probably wouldn't have felt comfortable doing what I did tonight, but is it really any different from putting money on a dog like I did on 'Tarbet Warrior' in Enniscorthy a few years ago; when we needed to raise money to fix Kathleen's house after the fire? Gambling causes a lot of unhappiness when people lose control, but does that make gambling wrong for everyone? I suppose it depends on each person's motives. For us tonight it was to give David a good time, which I think we did, then give them both a gift of any profit we made.

While in the casino, it looked like Brad knew what he was doing, because he won $5 a couple of times, whereas my $20 slowly dwindled away. When I was down to my last $5, I started to limit myself to 50-cent bets. I was nearly out of money when David did really well and won $100 on blackjack. With Brad having won $40, we stopped and headed out to have a coffee.

There was a karaoke party going on in a club next door to the casino so we wandered in there to have a look. To our surprise we found Ali, Sarah and Fiona there. Sarah had been dressed up in gaudy clothes with a pink veil, and the other two stood out just as clearly. Their theme of dress was 'Bad Taste'. They were up on stage having a lot of fun singing in a trio and there were a few calls for more from the audience when they stopped. When they saw us, they came down and joined us. It amused me to see Alison dressed this way, although I wouldn't like to see her like that regularly.

David and Brad decided to drag me up, and so we found ourselves trying to sing "I want to Hold Your Hand", one of the Beatles hits from the sixties. When we'd finished, it was obvious we weren't going to be asked for any encores, so I quickly shepherded the other two offstage, just as Brad was about to launch into another number.

We had one more drink with the girls, then all six of us got up together and sang the ABBA hits 'Knowing Me, Knowing You' and 'I Do, I Do, I Do, I Do'. It was really quite good fun, and didn't sound too awful, but when we realised it was after midnight, we knew we had to call it a night and get home.

Sat. 10 April

The Bundarra Church looked lovely decorated with pink and white nerines with maroon ribbons. They blended beautifully with the dark red of the Bridesmaids' dresses. It was strange, almost déjà vu, being here again, only three months after our own wedding. Sarah looked lovely as she walked up the aisle on John's arm, but my eyes were mostly on Alison. She looked stunning as she walked up behind Sarah and Fiona. She was so relieved that her pregnancy didn't show. It's been her greatest concern over the last weeks. Chloe was again allowed to be a flowergirl, so she was feeling like a professional at this duty now. She was dressed in a white dress trimmed with pink and maroon flowers.

After the service we were driven to the function centre where the reception was to be held. Photos were taken of the wedding party and family in the gardens, then we joined the other guests inside, just as it was starting to get dark.

Fortunately Ali and I were able to sit together on the main table, so it was enjoyable for us, being part of 'the show' without being the centre of attention. Also, because our own wedding was so recent, we were able to help Sarah and David by anticipating any likely problems, and so help avoid them.

Ali and I had not indulged in anything as obvious as confetti in their suitcases, although seeing David and Sarah wondering about it was enough revenge. However, we were able to find out about their honeymoon bookings, so we'd made a few extra arrangements ourselves.

They'd planned to spend two weeks on one of the famous tropical islands off Cairns, in north Queensland. When I found out where they were going, I rang the resort a few weeks before their wedding and pretending I was David, I said that was just confirming our arrangements. I said that my fiancée just loved the colour orange, and asked if it was possible to have a room that was decorated in these tones. Alison knew that Sarah hated orange as it clashed badly with her strawberry-blonde hair and fair skin colouring. We were thrilled when the managers assured me that they had just the room. Not only were the soft furnishings in orange and apricot, but also the kitchen utensils and crockery were colour co-ordinated. I thanked him profusely and also arranged to have several bunches of flowers in these colours delivered for their arrival. I left a cryptic message that may have them guessing for most of their honeymoon as to who was responsible.

All this work based around the colour orange gave Alison an idea as a pay back for Sarah sewing up the special nightie she'd planned to wear on our wedding night. She went out and purchased the most awful gaudy orange nightgown she could find. Then while we were all busy at the reception, she slipped out to where Sarah would be changing out of her wedding gown before leaving, and replaced Sarah's new nightie with the orange one. She admitted to feeling guilty if she didn't replace it somewhere in Sarah's luggage, so at the last minute the original nightie was hidden amongst her other underwear at the bottom of the suitcase. Alison had also found her old alarm clock that she'd replaced because it had an awfully loud earth-shattering ring when the alarm went off. She wound this up, set the alarm for 4am, then hid it in the bottom of the suitcase as well.

Unfortunately we won't hear about the results of our pranks until after Sarah and David come back home. I hope we haven't started a constant round of practical jokes, each trying to out do the other. It's not easy to do something that's funny, but won't cause any damage or pain. Most things we thought of doing would have spoilt their honeymoon, so I hope they take our prank in the way it was intended.

Naturally they couldn't leave without "Just Married" being written on their car, and this was done in zinc cream on all the side and back windows. It shouldn't do any damage, but it won't be easy to remove either.

With plenty of helpers such as Ben and all their cousins, we managed to blow up about 10 packets of balloons (or so it seemed), and completely fill the seats and floor of their car. It was funny watching them trying to find room to fit themselves in when they were ready to leave. Hopefully they'll think it's all we've done.

Mon, 12 April

It was great being able to relax for one more day on our own, with all our foster children away. We were able to just think of
ourselves, as most newly weds are able to do at the beginning of their marriage.

As we were lying in bed this morning Ali said that she was sure she could feel the baby moving. She lay very still, and said she
thought it was the baby. A few days earlier she'd felt the same sensations, but thought it was just a rumbling in her digestive system. Now she was sure it was the baby. I put my hand on her slightly swollen tummy, but couldn't feel any movements other than that of her heart or pulse. I was disappointed, but I know it's only a matter of time before our baby's movements will be clearly felt.

Tues. 13 April

We left Canberra this morning for a four day Youth Group Adventure Camp in the foothills of the Snowy Mountains. Ali and I drove down in 'Henrietta', but the rest of our tribe joined about 30 others on the bus that carried them to the campsite.

We arrived just before midday, and the students were directed to the two buildings that housed their dorms. They were instructed to unpack quickly and put on warm rough clothes then come down to the Dining Hall for lunch and instructions about the afternoon program.

The large group was split into three smaller groups depending on age. They were then were allocated to different activities like
canoeing, rock climbing and horse riding. I noticed that we had one of ours in each group.

Ali and I were free to wander around and explore the camp-site. Our main role as Camp Parents is to help Rick and Tony with the evening activities and just to be there when needed. Two mothers with cooking experience were responsible for the catering, and Nigel, an older uni student had also come to help supervise. The students in duty groups do the setting of the tables and the clearing away afterwards. All the adventure activities are run by professionals, and it's the cost of this that the money from the musical subsidised.

The camp-site consists of three main buildings. Firstly there are the two buildings that hold all the dorms, each room holding up to 6 people in three double bunks with a bathroom for each room. The other main building consists of the kitchen and dining room, then off that the Recreation Hall. All the groups were back by 5 o'clock so they had some free time until the evening meal.

After dinner Nigel and Tony had organised some games in the Rec. Hall, then Rick finished the evening with devotions. After supper was served we tried to encourage them to head for their dorms, announcing that it was lights out at 10.30pm. Unfortunately, we both know from previous experience that on the first night there's always a lot of excitement, and most teenagers resist going to bed early; so it's usually awhile before the adults can head to their bunks.

Ali and I decided to get our coats and go for a walk by the lake, while Rick, Nigel and Tony agreed to stay near the dorms to prevent any shenanigans there. It was lovely walking in the cool autumn air watching the moon disappearing below the mountains on the far side of the lake. It's reflections were beautiful and only disturbed by a couple of black swans that sailed past from one bed of reeds near the shore to another nearby.

It was quite dark when the moon had set, so we were glad that we'd brought our torch to light the way where the path was difficult to see. As we approached the campsite Ali stopped and motioned me to listen. We could hear some whispered voices, and a short giggle that seemed to break off suddenly. I turned our torch off and we could see the lights that lit up the campsite. Then we noticed a couple of figures flit across an open area, from behind a bush to the shadow cast by one of the buildings. Then two more ran across the same space, and we recognised Jonno and Jason. They were slowly moving towards the building where the girls were housed.

We resisted the temptation to call out, and instead skirted around to where they were heading. Ali and I placed ourselves so that as the boys came around the corner to where we thought they'd try to enter the girl's building, they'd see us. We sat ourselves on a seat in full view, but side-on so that we could see their reaction out of the corner of our eyes; but they wouldn't know we'd seen them.

It was very amusing to watch the first two stop dead in their tracks, followed so closely by the next two that they nearly collided. There were a few whispered expletives as Ali and I tried to give the impression that we were so engrossed in each other that we were oblivious to what was going on around us. It was very hard not to laugh as we watched them back off and tiptoe back to the rest of the group. We could hear hushed whispers coming from some of the girls' rooms, so we guessed that this clandestine meeting was probably previously planned. It was very pleasant sitting on the bench there, wondering how long it would take them before they gave up for the night.

Rick and Nigel were doing a round of the perimeter of the campsite when they saw us. They reported that they'd seen about 10 boys going back into their dorms. From the names they mentioned, it was most likely the same group we'd come across.

As Ali was feeling tired, we decided to head for bed, while Rick and Nigel decided that they'd stay out for a little while longer. These young people enjoy getting out together, away from their regular routines, but they don't appreciate how much responsibility falls on the organiser's shoulders. If we go to bed, and they get into mischief and harm themselves, then we're the ones who get into trouble. We take on a lot of responsibility so that they get the opportunity to do these things.

Wed, 14 April

Naturally this morning, with all the activity of the night before, it was difficult to get the troops up and moving. Not even the threat of no breakfast seemed to tempt them to get up. We had to resort to the buzzer that can be set off in each room from the Rec. Hall. About 20 minutes later most of the group had arrived for breakfast looking a bit bleary eyed, but at least they were up.

One boy (Kyle), who'd been running around last night, was groaning in his bed, and said he didn't feel well enough to get up. Neither Rick nor I were feeling very sympathetic, because it was Kyle with his mates who'd prevented us from going to bed until late. We cruelly insisted he get up and go to breakfast with the rest of them, but said that if he was still unwell after that then, we'd see about sending him home.

I mentioned Kyle to one of the mothers who is a trained nursing sister, and so is in charge of First Aid. She promised to keep an eye on him, but agreed that it was probably nothing serious. This proved to be the case when straight after breakfast Kyle was seen running around with everyone else.

This morning's activities were abseiling for the older teenagers, canoeing for the middle group, and a rope exercise for the younger ones. The latter proved to be a permanent adventure course, all on thick ropes strung at various heights between the trees at one end of the campsite. The challenge is done in pairs, where one person on the ground guides their partner to negotiate the course on the ropes. This person has two carabiners (as used in rock-climbing), of which one must always be attached to a rope. When they get to a tree and have to change to a different rope, they take one carabiner, which they detach from the first rope and reconnect it to the rope they will move to. The second carabiner is moved when the first one is safely connected to the new rope. The person on the ground is there to make sure their partner in the trees is never without at least one attachment to a rope, and they must try to advise them where to go next to find the easiest route through the maze.

It proved to be a very enjoyable exercise, and the group returned back to camp for lunch quite reluctantly. Damian had really enjoyed himself, and chatted to me the whole way back. He wanted to know if I'd seen him when he was on the second higher, and more challenging course that only the more adventurous tried, after completing the first course. I assured him I had, and that I was most impressed.

After lunch the younger group went canoeing while both the older groups were taken to a grove of trees where their challenge was to use only ropes and poles and some flat sheets of wood to make a "City in the Trees" in which they could sleep tomorrow night if they wished.

While Alison was having a rest, I joined them about mid afternoon and watched the teamwork that went into the exercise. They were very busy, working hard to complete the construction of the sleeping platforms so that they were strong enough to hold their weight. If they're successful, Tony will join them in sleeping out.

By 5 O'clock the canoeists were back and had free time. It wasn't long before some of them found their way to where the "city" was being built. I found a few of them enviously watching their older peers finishing off their sleeping areas, wishing that they could do it too.

I decided to walk back to camp and make sure Ali was awake for dinner. As a came to a bend in the track I suddenly froze. The hair stood up on the back of my neck when I saw a snake in the middle of the track, curled up on itself. I didn't know whether to call out a warning to the others or stamp my foot, hoping it would wake up and go away.

I decided a discrete retreat was my best option. So, keeping my eyes on the dangerous reptile, I slowly started to walk backwards to where the youngsters were building their city. Once around the bend I turned around, only to my horror to be faced with another snake, about 10 metres in front of me. It was about the same size and colour, but this one was stretched out across the path. I was now trapped between two snakes.

I shivered with fear, but tried to stay calm, as I considered my options now. I started to call out, but what came out was a rather pathetic croak. However, that seemed to be enough to get the snake moving. Suddenly without warning it literally flew sideways into the grass that was growing at the edge of the narrow track. Was I brave enough to walk past the spot where it had been, all the time expecting a fatal nip on the ankle.

"ZZzz" I heard a sound to my right. I jerked my head around and thought I saw Kyle duck down behind a bush. I stood still and just watched hoping to catch the culprit out.
"You'll Keep", I thought as some of the youngsters caught up to where I was standing, on their way to get ready for dinner. I joined them and there was no evidence of a sleeping snake on the path this time.

When I told Alison about it, she told me that she was sure that she's heard Kyle and a couple of friends talking about putting plastic snakes in the girl's dorms the night before. It seems I'll have to think of something suitable to get these boys on.

Those not involved in completing the sleeping quarters had been commandeered to help collect firework for the campfire. Some large logs were placed around the fire for people to sit on, as well as a few chairs so that there was room for all. Others were being supervised by one of our cooks into cooking sausages and meat patties on the gas barbeque, or in preparing the vegetables for the salads that would accompany the meat. Everyone seemed to be busy and happily engaged somewhere.

After dinner we all gathered around the campfire. When a couple of people saw a 'falling star' it lead to an impromptu Astronomy lesson. Out in the darkness away from the city lights we had no trouble finding the Southern Cross (that I've grown very familiar with over the last months), Orion (that was just setting in the west, and who stands on his head in the southern hemisphere), and Scorpio which was just rising in the east. I pointed out Taurus and The Pleiades (The Seven Sisters), and we had a competition to see who could see the most stars in Pleiades. Many could see nine or ten stars, but when Kyle claimed to see twenty we gave up as there was no way of checking how many anyone could see. At one stage we could see 4 different satellites moving across the sky overhead at the one time.

Kyle wanted to know where space ended and what was beyond the end of space. Then a few others wanted to know where God fitted into space, where in space heaven was, and if our God was also God of any Aliens that existed in space. I tried to answer these questions to the best of my ability, then one of the older students then asked how if Christ came to Earth to die for our sins, did he also die for the sins that the Aliens might commit. They had me stumped there. I don't think I've ever been asked such curly questions before. I was relieved when I was able to pass around a packet of marshmallows for them to toast and get them off this difficult subject.

Alison pulled out her guitar and started singing some gospel songs, and soon everyone was gathered around and joining in. These were dispersed with other campfire songs and it was a very happy and relaxed group who finished the evening listening to the short devotions segment I'd prepared on Trust and Teamwork. I used the illustrations of the partners doing the rope exercise this morning and explained to them how each person had to trust their partner for their safety and if they worked as a team together, then the person on the ropes would negotiate the maze in the safest and shortest way. The canoeists too were a team, where their safety and comfort depended on them working together. I finished by challenging them to be a team with God through his son Jesus who wanted to form a team with each one of them, and pointed out what a formidable team they could be if they worked together with God, listening to his directions.

While I'd been talking, Nigel and Tony had set up a 'Storm the Lantern'. They came back to tell those who wanted to go, where the lantern was, and these all hared off. Kyle was complaining of feeling unwell again, so we saw him off to bed. Damian and another young boy and three girls also chose not to storm up the shrub-covered hill in the dark, so they also made their way to bed.

For Alison and I, we had a night off late supervision, so we were able to retire to our room. Another night in single beds. I kissed her gently before crawling into our separate sleeping bags. The things we have to give up for the sake of these kids, they don't even appreciate. We were both so tired, it didn't really make much difference. Alison was asleep before I'd even finished writing this journal entry. If I finish now, I'll probably be asleep before our intrepid stormers of the lantern return as well.

Thurs. 15 April

It's been another glorious autumn day. We've been very lucky with the weather these holidays. The younger members of the group had their turn at abseiling this morning, while the older ones had a choice. They could do the orienteering course which is a 5 km route through the bush and along the river and lake where the canoeing takes place, or they could help complete the sleeping platforms. About half chose each option.

Surprisingly, the sleeping platforms look quite strong, although I wouldn't recommend a heavy person to start jumping on it. About 10 of the older boys, including Jonno and Jason, and three girls are planning to sleep out here tonight.

By midday all the platforms were ready, so after lunch all the older ones headed off to the cliffs above the river where they spent the afternoon learning to rock-climb, while the younger children had their challenge of finding their way around the orienteering course. In both the rock-climbing and abseiling activities there were trained instructors who looked after the group from a safety aspect, as well as one of us adults who's duty it is to supervise those who are waiting to have their turn.

For our last evening were had a bit of a concert in the Rec. Hall. Some of the older students who study drama wrote and organised a short review of the group. One person acted the part of a new member joining the Youth Group for the first time, while the rest did impressions of different adults and older student members, exaggerating their mannerisms and habits. They did a very funny segment of Rick leading devotions, and of Tony trying to organise the media publicity for our musical, describing the musical as full of unresolved sexual tension and anything else that would tempt the public to come in and see it, even if there was little truth in it.

Their takeoff of myself was very funny as they played me trying to direct a rehearsal and getting very het up as I did in one of the final dress rehearsals. The newcomer was very confused and wondered what he'd let themselves in for. Ali said later that it was a very good impression of me, while I thought it was a bit too exaggerated. However it's interesting to see how others see you.

At the end someone pulled a plastic snake across the stage, and my impersonator showed a greatly exaggerated fear of it, much to the amusement of the rest of the audience. I noticed Kyle turn his head towards me, to get an impression of my reaction. I winked at him, and he turned away quickly. He knows that I'm aware of who put the snakes on the path.

Other than using a rather shrieking voice when showing the singers what to do, Alison came off rather lightly I think. The girl playing Rachel did a good job of acting out the flirtation between Rachel and Craig McKay the male lead in the musical. Thankfully it was all in good taste and was both clever and very enjoyable.

Alison had persuaded Lisa and Rachel to sing a few songs if she accompanied them on the guitar, then Rick and Tony showed some slides of recent Youth Group activities from both the musical and rehearsals and also some from a few years ago. These were rather amusing when the now senior students saw themselves as they were when they first joined the group. Rick finished the evening with a short devotional segment on the theme of 'The Future'. He asked them to predict where they hoped to be in 5 and 10 years time, then challenged them not to leave Christ and the church out of their futures.

After supper it was off to bed. For those sleeping in the trees, they collected their sleeping bags and mats, and their warmest clothes and headed off to that part of the grounds. I'm glad Tony volunteered to supervise, and they didn't look to me to help. Thankfully the students are all rather tired, so I hope they all drop off fairly quickly.

Fri. 16 April

Today was the last day at the camp. Everyone had their last activity after breakfast. The outdoor campers demolished their 'city in the trees' much more quickly than it had taken to erect it. It was a cold night, but Tony had made sure that everyone who stayed out had plenty of warm covers.

The last sessions were rock-climbing for the younger ones and the ropes challenge and horse riding for the older groups. After lunch it was time to pack and clean up before getting onto the bus for the journey home.

It was four great days spent in a lovely part of Australia in very nice sunny weather. Craig and Rachel got up after lunch and spoke on behalf of the whole group. They thanked Rick and Tony for organising the camp and said that they'd had a great time taking part in activities they'd never done before, and learning new things. They thanked the cooks, Nigel, Ali and myself for our support, and suggested that if possible they'd like to see it become a regular annual event on the Youth Group Calendar.

We were all very tired when we got home. I organised a quick simple meal and there was no resistance when we pointed them all upstairs towards their bedrooms. They were instructed to sleep in tomorrow as they only had the weekend before everyone was due back at school or work for the second term.

Sun. 18 April

It's nice to have a quiet day at home before everyone has to get back to their usual routine. I've sat down separately with both boys and discussed the managing of their Austudy Allowance. Jason has great bursts of living frugally and trying to save for either a car, a Nintendo or a Playstation of his own. Then suddenly he spends it all on a game for Damian's Nintendo or a CD or something.

We're now setting up a bank account into which he's going to put half of what he earns at McDonalds, and $40 of his Austudy. He wants me to mind the card that operates this account so that he's not tempted to spend it.

Damian on the other hand is not interested in managing his own money. He wants me to mind all his money and give him what he needs on the rare occasion he wants to go out and buy something. He's just not interested in the things that cost money. He's so different to the others.

Lisa has managed her own money for so long that it hasn't even been a discussion point with us. She pays her board regularly, every time her allowance is paid into her account. She is living off what she gets from her allowance and is trying to save everything she earns from her casual job for a car and her hopeful independence next year.

Fri. 23 April

Well it's the end of the first week back at work, and what a week it's been. We've had fights amongst a number of the boys, and even amongst some of the girls at Trinity as well. I was asked to mediate on a couple of these incidents. I've also had two separate incidents of students claiming that they're homeless because their parents threw them out, and a third case of a girl who refuses to live with her parents anymore if they won't accept her boyfriend and let her out more.

Seeing both adults and youngsters who won't give an inch, and who insist it's got to be their way only, and they won't compromise even slightly, is very exhausting. Why can't the adults see that by not listening to their teenagers and refusing to give in a little on small issues, they might lose their children completely.

Of course, many of the young people are just as pigheaded, and don't realise that generally the parents have these restrictions because they are worried that their youngsters will put themselves in danger. The young ones in many cases don't see the dangers, and want to live it up and think 'it won't happen to them' and that they can take care of themselves. They don't appreciate the difficulties of living on their own, away from the protection of adults who love and care about them. I only hope that I can be a good parent, giving those I'm responsible for enough freedom to grow, but keeping them safe at the same time, without wrapping them up in cotton wool and being over protective.

I'm glad it's the weekend. Rick was happy for Ali and I not to come to Youth Group tonight, and he's going to drop our tribe off himself afterwards, so it's nice to have a night to ourselves. In fact Ali's already fallen asleep, so I've just been sitting here writing down my thoughts.

Sat. 24 April

Sarah and David came back from their honeymoon yesterday; so today they called in for afternoon tea, and to show us their photos.
"So how was your tropical island holiday?" Ali asked them innocently.
"Well," Sarah started, watching us both very closely for our reaction. "It seems someone who spoke with a northern English accent rang the manger and pretended to be David, and told them that I'd love everything in orange colours."
"Now, we don't know too many people with English accents who might have known of our plans;" David added.
"Orange?" I asked, trying to keep a straight face. "May be it was a case of mistaken identity, and it was for another couple," I
suggested helpfully.

"And then what about an alarm clock that goes off in a suitcase in the middle of the night? David asked Alison. "It freaked us out as well as the old dears in the room next door. They thought it was a fire alarm and ran outside shouting "Fire".

By the time security had calmed the wife down, we'd found the clock. So we pretended we'd been woken up by the hysterical woman as some of the other people who came outside had.”

Sarah and David were actually very forgiving, and we had a good laugh together about it. We looked at their photos and saw the beige coloured rooms with the tan and orange features. The flowers fitted in very well.

Wed. 28 April

We had a phone call from Phyllis this afternoon to tell us that Andrew and Maree are the proud parents of a little son whom they've named Bradley John. He weighs 3500 gram and is 50 cm long. I wonder how things will go when it's our turn.

We rang Andrew tonight to congratulate them and heard all the details. He sounded very excited by the experience, and for a usually quiet person he was very talkative. As a doctor he's assisted with quite a number of births, but he said it was so different when the baby was his own. I wonder if I'll be the same when our time comes? Andrew was so thrilled with it all that he couldn't stop talking about it. We promised that we'd be up to visit them and see little Bradley in a few weeks time. Alison ordered some flowers to be delivered to them meanwhile.

Mon. 3 May

The weeks just seem to be rushing by, and we're already into the third week of Term 2. Alison is now feeling quite strong movements, which is very exciting and makes the whole experience so much more real. Last night in bed I put my hand on Ali's tummy, and for the first time I felt the movements as well. I was so excited. I can't describe the emotion of feeling our baby inside the woman I love. There's no doubt that there's a new little person growing inside her, and I can't wait to hold him or her in my arms.

Maree came home from hospital today, so John and Phyllis are going to Sydney tomorrow to see the baby again and find out if they can do anything to help. We are going for a weekend later when we can get someone to look after our children.

Fri. 14 May

We're going to Sydney tomorrow to visit Andrew and Maree and see little Bradley. Jason is spending the weekend with Jonno's family, and we're going to drop Damian off with John and Phyllis on our way out. Rachel is coming over to stay with Lisa, so we can go away for a short while with a clear conscience.

We're only staying one night so it's not too much work for the new parents. Ali went out and bought a lovely toy that can be hung above a cot or cradle that the baby can amuse itself with. It is made of sturdy plastic and is very colourful. In fact she liked it so much she bought two, one being for our little one when he or she arrives.

Mon. 16 May

We had a lovely weekend away. The three and a half hour drive was very enjoyable because we could talk without the constant interruptions that are a normal part of life for us now. Andrew and Maree are both well and Bradley is a darling. I think I was able to help Andrew with few things he was doing, and Alison helped Maree by hanging out the washing and doing the dishes etc. So hopefully we've been more help than hindrance.

It was lovely to see little Bradley and have him hold my finger in his vice-like grip. I'd forgotten how small new born babies are. It brought back memories of little Kieran and the joy it gave me when I was able to hold him. Ali and I both feel we can't wait until we can hold our own baby in our arms. I'm so thankful I've been given this chance to have a wife and family to love. I feel so blessed being able to live a normal life and not the limited experience of a priest.

Alison became quite engrossed when she was holding Bradley and cooing to him. She wanted to know all about Bradley's birth from Maree, who was happy to share all the minute by minute details of her labour and delivery with her. That's when I decided that it was time for me to help Andrew who is busy building a pergola off the living room so that he can make it into a barbeque area.

Bradley is such a dear little boy. When I held him in my arms he stared unblinking into my eyes, then turned his head and looked at where Maree was sitting next to me. I'm sure he already recognised her as his mother.
"Source of food, more likely", Andrew replied when I commented on this.

We took Andrew and Maree out to dinner last night. It's been a long time since we'd been out together without children ourselves. Bradley was a perfect angel the whole night. He slept quietly in his carrier for almost the whole time we were eating. He woke up just as Maree was finishing her dessert, so she fed and changed him and he went back to sleep again. Maree and Andrew agree that he seems to be a very contented baby, and doesn't cry a lot. If our baby is as easy as Bradley is, then life should be a breeze.

I rang Stephen tonight and told him the latest news about Andrew and Maree. He's very busy with work at the moment and it appears that his love life is not going too well either. I'm not sure if his work is the cause of the problems, or if he is burying himself in work to forget his problems. He didn't wish to go into details, so I didn't press him. I only wish he could be as happy in his personal life as I am with Alison.

He assured us that he's trying to arrange his filming schedule so that he has a few weeks free at the end of September so he can visit us and meet his new nephew or niece. It all seems to be getting so close now, which is very exciting, but also scary, as we don't know what it's going to be like.

Fri. 21 May

Jane is staying with us again tonight, and after discussing it with Alison and Lisa, it may become a permanent arrangement. It's been discovered that her father has been regularly beating her when he comes home drunk. Her teacher at school reported her concern to Jane's social worker, who immediately ordered an investigation. When questioned, Jane admitted that ever since Damian had left home, her father had been "picking on her".

There may not be enough evidence to charge her father with assault, nor does the social worker want to put Jane through the trauma of an inquiry, however, she believes that she can probably have Jane removed from the situation on the grounds of neglect. Meanwhile Jane is going to stay with us until the legalities have been sorted out. I've let them know that we are prepared for it to become a long-term arrangement if necessary.

Under normal circumstances, we wouldn't have agreed to take anymore children while Ali was pregnant or while we had a very young baby, but we both felt that in this case it was very much in both Damian's and Jane's interest that they be together. With Lisa's support, and knowing that Jane had fitted in well before, we decided to offer to have Jane as well.

Lisa pointed out that it was possible that we'd only have four foster children for seven or eight months because she hoped to be able to stand on her own two feet and move into a place of her own next year. We assured her that when the time came we wouldn't try to stop her, but that we wanted her to know she was welcome to stay with us after she'd finished her secondary schooling.

Sat. 22 May

Last night Lisa came down to tell us that Jane was crying. She wouldn't tell Lisa what was upsetting her, so Lisa decided to wake us instead of Damian. Ali went up to see what the problem was. When she came back she said it was sorted out now, but that Jane had had a nightmare. Ali thought it somehow involved her father, but also problems at school seemed to be intertwined with it. She couldn't make a lot of sense of it.

This morning the nightmare seemed to have been forgotten and we decided to talk to her about it later. Although she seems nervous, Jane is very keen to become a permanent member of our family. She begged her social worker to try to organise it. Damian hassled Lisa and Rachel today to make a plaque for Jane's Room just like everyone else now had.

Mon. 24 May

We heard this afternoon that Jane will be staying with us for at least the next few months. The girls had a talk to her and asked her what she'd like in her room. They've offered to paint all the mixed second hand furniture in her room one colour so that it all matches. Jane asked if she could have it all painted pink. We've agreed to buy a large tin of pale pink paint if the older girls are willing to do the sanding and painting in the garage.

Ali and Jane are going to go out and choose some bedcovers to fit in with this colour scheme, and Phyllis has offered to make some matching curtains. Jane asked if she could have a pet like Damian. She's rather keen on a kitten, and we've agreed to think about it. Jane has a birthday in a little over a month, so it might be a good idea for a possible birthday present.

Wed. 26 May

The paint for Jane's furniture has been purchased. Yesterday afternoon the girls got busy and sanded everything down and painted it with undercoat. They've gathered together an old wardrobe that has hanging space as well as two large drawers underneath it, an old dressing table with a mirror and three more drawers, and an old pine desk with a hutch above it for books and ornaments.

Tomorrow they're going to give them their first pink coat of paint. If it all looks good, they're going to paint Jane's bed as well when these three items are finished. Needless to say Jane is very excited and had difficulty finishing her dinner, and later in getting to sleep. Damian is very excited too with what we've been doing for Jane. He's promised to help her look after her kitten if we get one for her. We've told him that we're considering getting one for Jane's birthday.

Thurs. 27 May

Jane had more nightmares last night. Also she seems to be very tired and listless at times. Ali thought that it would be a good idea to take Jane to a doctor for a full checkup as she's so pale. I suggested she make sure that she chooses a female doctor, because she still seems to view me with suspicion. She is definitely more relaxed around females, and she prefers Phyllis to John.

After dinner Ali sat down to talk to Jane about the nightmares. It gradually came out that Jane isn't very happy in her present school. She says that some of the girls "picked on her", and teased her about her father being drunk. They've spread rumours that because her parents are so bad she's not allowed to live with them anymore.

I'm going to see her teacher tomorrow and get to the bottom of it, and see what can be done. Jane was actually quite happy with my suggestion that she might like to change schools, to one that is a bit closer to us here. That is definitely an option open to us. She said that she hasn't any friends at her school, and she doesn't like her teacher, so won't mind changing.

Fri. 28 May

Jane's teacher is not very sympathetic to her problems. She feels that Jane must learn to stand up for herself and not allow the others to bully her. Yet she was not very helpful when I asked her what help Jane had been given to enable her to do this.

When I mentioned the possibility of changing schools, the teacher thought it was a good idea. I think she's just happy to see a problem being removed with no effort on her part.

I decided to make the arrangements to change schools immediately so that Jane can start on Monday. The new school was
immediately welcoming, and there was no problem with her starting on Monday because we are in it's feeder area. So tomorrow we'll go out and buy her a new uniform and new books to give her a fresh start.

When Jane met her new teacher after school today she liked her straight away. She was shown where she'll be sitting and where she can leave her books and belongings. We asked the teacher that Jane's circumstances be kept confidential as Jane doesn't want people to know that Ali and I aren't her real parents. We were assured that it's normal school policy not to divulge such information.

Tonight Jane was very excited about starting at the new school. It is a feeder school for the girls school that Lisa and Rachel go to, so it will be a natural progression for her to go there next year. So although she is making this change with only 6 months to go before she has to change school again, at least a large proportion of the girls will move onto this secondary school with her.

Sun. 30 May

It's amazing how Jane's room has been completely transformed in a week. All the mishmash of furniture now matches beautifully, having been painted in the same very pale pink paint. Her bedcovers are in a floral pattern of blue, green, yellow and pink, with the same material being used for the curtains.

The lamp shades are in a green colour with some pink trims, and there were some colourful prints on the walls. To me the room
appeared to be bright and cheerful; the ideal place for a young girl to work, dream and play.

Jane is so thrilled with it. Lisa later said that just seeing the look on Jane's face made all the effort over the last week so worthwhile. I gave her a big hug. I must say that if it wasn't for Lisa and Rachel, it wouldn't have been completed this soon.

Jason now wants to know if his room can have a makeover as well. He wants it all in red and black after his favourite football team. As his room was sorted out quite well when he first arrived, we managed to talk him out of any major changes until the baby has arrived and life has got a little less hectic. Thankfully he happily agreed to this. Ali and I hope that he has colours different to black in mind when that time comes.

Now that Jane has moved into the last spare room upstairs, we've decided to make a corner of our formal lounge room downstairs into a temporary study for me and for Alison's computer. That means that the downstairs study can become the baby's nursery, as it is within earshot of our bedroom and the kitchen, as well as the general living areas.

Lorraine has always kept the cot and cradle she had for her children, and it was last used for Ben over eighteen years ago. They were duly delivered to our house this afternoon. They're both in the dark stained timber that was so popular in the seventies, and both were fairly shabby. Lorraine is going to buy new mattresses for both. John and Phyllis have offered us an old 4-drawer unit that will both store the baby's clothes and double as a changing table as it's just the right height. It was painted white, so having been inspired by Lisa and Rachel's efforts on Jane's furniture, I'm going to paint them all the same colours.

Wed. 2 June

Alison came home today with a frieze for the baby's room. It shows a series of toy animals in aqua, yellow, mauve and blue with just a small touch of pink. She also managed to buy some fabric in a similar pattern from which she is going to sew cot covers, a hanger for the nappies and other accessories. She even managed to find a couple of matching transfers that can be stuck onto the cot ends when it's been painted.

She wants me to paint the furniture in an aqua colour that she thinks will be suitable for either a boy or girl. She says if we have a little girl, all she has to do is add a whole lot of pink ribbons as a trim to make the room look more feminine. Phyllis has already offered to make us some new curtains for the room, and to help Ali set up the cradle.

Now that she's almost six months, Ali finds that she is less tired and more energetic, as long as she doesn't overdo things. She says that she has all her school work organised and spaced out so that she shouldn't be too overworked at the end of the semester in four weeks time. She has applied to finish teaching then and go on leave for eighteen months. All being well, she'll then return to teaching, but on a part-time basis.

Sun. 6 June

It's amazing how quickly we were able to transform the study into a nursery when everyone pitched in to help. The frieze is up at the height of a Daido. We have painted the walls below it a sunny yellow, and above it a pale aqua.

All the furniture is in a glossy aqua and the transfers look terrific. The whole room looked bright and cheerful when we added the new curtains that John and Phyllis brought over. Lorraine and Geoff also came over, and they added a giant Teddy that Lorraine had bought. Alison and Phyllis have started on making the sheets and quilts for both the cot and cradle, and also some other accessories.

Lisa went upstairs to collect a colourful clown that she and Rachel had made. She placed it on the shelf next to the Teddy. It all looked very nice, and made our forth-coming big event even more real. Alison is so appreciative because she says she's not very good with her hands and she is also still very busy with her work.

Jane wants to make something for the baby as well, so Phyllis has offered to teach her to knit. She says that she has just the right simple pattern for a beginner to make a great little jumper and hat, and even a pair of pants if she's keen, all in plain stitch. Jane wants to make it all in the same colours as the room, but with pink stripes in it as well. Phyllis says she has so many scraps of wool, she's sure to be able to find enough of all the colours Jane wants, and she'd be pleased to have all these bits and pieces used up.

Although it's only been a week, Jane seems to have settled in to her new school, and she looks a lot happier. Her blood test indicated that she is slightly aneamic, but the doctor thought it was best to just let her build up her iron level naturally, now that she's on a more balanced diet. We try to encourage her to eat well, but with her being happier in school, we hope it will just happen with time. She is very taken with Benji and so we're going to get her a kitten for her birthday.

After dinner, while the youngsters were all doing their homework or watching TV, I followed Alison back to have another look at the nursery.
"It's just seems so real", she said as I stood behind her and put my arms around her and nuzzled her hair. They nearly don't fit around her anymore now she getting so big.
"Yeah, it does sort of show that it's all getting close now", I agreed. "Do you want to know if it's a boy or a girl?", I asked.
"No, I don't think so", she answered, and turned around to face me. "I think I like the idea of a surprise. We can pick names for both boys and girls and add some pink colours if need be later. I don't really mind which sex our baby is, as long as it's healthy. I'd like a son for you to play football and cricket with, and to carry on your name, but a little girl would be nice too; I don't really mind".

That's the way I felt too, but I told her that I'd like a little girl who looked just like her beautiful mother. Ali said that it would be boring having two alike; besides in twenty years time when she'd be in her 40's, she might not like to have a twenty year old daughter who reminded her of what she used to look like. We still have to wait about another three months before we'll know what our baby will be like, and what parts of each of us she has inherited. Eventually it would be nice to have at least one child of each sex, but for the moment as long as it arrives safely I'll be very satisfied.

As far as names go, we seem to be settling on Stephanie (for Stephen) and maybe Joy (after both Lorraine who's second name is Joyce, and for the joy the birth of this child will bring to so many people). Ali has suggested 'Assumpta' as a second name, to honour a special friend who so generously encouraged me to find a new life. Ali says she feels in debt to Assumpta, and would love to have her remembered in this way. For a boy we are thinking of Timothy James (Tim Jim). The James is after my father, and Timothy is a name we both like. It means 'honouring God'. It's very difficult I've found out, trying to name a child with a teacher's input. Invariably any name I suggest, Alison has taught a student with that name who was really obnoxious. Fortunately she's never taught any unpleasant Stephanies or Tims.

Sun 20 June

It's two weeks since I last wrote in this journal, and that is purely a reflection on how busy we've all been. Ali has been flat out setting tests and exams, marking them and now writing reports. She is actually hoping to have them finished by tonight.

Meanwhile, to allow her to concentrate on her school work without getting over tired, I've been doing all the housework and trying to do everything that needs to be done for the family like the cleaning, washing and ironing and a lot of the cooking. I'm just so exhausted. We are both looking forward to the break. Alison is definitely ready to give up teaching for awhile and look after herself. Only two weeks to go until the holidays.

Jane seems much happier now, and she's started to eat better. The number of nightmares she was experiencing have also decreased. She has made friends with a girl who only lives a few streets away. Her name is Emma. We've met her parents and have arranged for Emma to visit here next Saturday.

Phyllis has been teaching Jane to knit, and she's been very impressed with her young pupil's perseverance and progress. Phyllis thinks that Jane has a talent for handcrafts. She has finished the little jumper and was shown how to sew it up yesterday so that she could show it to Alison today. Alison was so pleased with it, that Jane is going to start the hat, and do the matching pants as well.

Everyone has been suggesting that Ali and I have a break away from all our youngsters before the baby is born, so we've decided to go back to the same cottage in Mallacoota that we used on our honeymoon. We're going there for the first week of the school holidays.

Sarah and David have offered to look after Jason and Lisa, while John and Phyllis will have Damian and Jane. Phyllis and Jane are already planning more knitting projects and she is going to learn to do 'purl' knitting (whatever that is), she informed me. I'm just so happy that she's looking forward to going out to Bundarra for a week. Damian is keen to help John in the garden and even more so with the animals. He said that Benji couldn't wait to get out so he can run around and play with Jess and Timmy, the Taylor's two dogs. Thankfully they all get on very well. Ali and I are very grateful to them all for organising it so we can have this break. We too are looking forward to just being on our own for a change.

Sat. 26 June

Emma came over to our home today. Jane introduced her to Benji, then proudly showed Emma her bedroom with it's plaque, and her knitting. Later they came down stairs and watched a video. They did each other's hair and tied it up in different ways and did all the things little girls do when they get together. It's a relief to see Jane is opening up more. She's even becoming less shy of me now, and actually smiled when I made a joke directed at her over dinner.

Sun 27 June

This journal just seems to be evolving into a weekly summary of the main issues in our lives at lately, but tonight I really need to write. Do you know what date it is? Yesterday when I looked at the calendar I realised what date it was today, and I decided that instead of going to church I wanted to get away by myself. Alison never questioned why. She was agreeable to go to mass with the children, without me.

After they left, I packed myself some lunch and a thermos of hot coffee. I put on the thick old jumper that I wore a lot in Ireland; it just seemed to be the appropriate thing to wear. I also added a waterproof coat to my rucksack and drove south to Namagi National Park. It was a sort of pilgrimage but on the opposite side of the world. Being midwinter, there were no cars parked in the Honeysuckle Creek carpark, so I hoped that meant I had the whole area to myself. I adjusted my rucksack and set off. Was it only a year ago that I left Ballyk in a similar way and walked over so much of Ireland alone? It seems a whole lifetime away, and in many ways it is.

I headed for Booroomba Rocks, a granite outcrop about 4 km from the carpark. It gives a spectacular view back over Canberra and the Tuggeranong valley. The rocks are a 200m climb up from the Blue Gum Creek. I decided, on recalling the area from my previous visit with John and Phyllis last year, that it was just the right place for me to remember Assumpta and pray, which is what I felt the need to do today. The rocks are not unlike those on top of the mountain above Ballyk, where all Assumpta's friends came together for her wake. Only this time I was alone and on the opposite side of the world.

When I reached the top I was somewhat puffed, indicating my lack of fitness now, compared to a year ago. I've decided that I'll have to do something about that before middle age starts to creep up on me prematurely.

A year ago today Assumpta and I walked together beside the lake and started to discuss our feelings for each other. Later by the River Angel we talked about our possible future together. It hadn't really mattered what I would do, only that we loved each other and were planning how we could in the eyes of the church and the community, be together. We were both so happy, deliriously happy, once I'd finally made up my mind that I'd leave the church and be with Assumpta.

At the food fair I couldn't stop grinning. Like the cat that’s got the cream Brendan suggested. I was a bit shaken when Brendan
commented on how happy I looked; I thought he'd guessed why. The last thing I said to Assumpta was, "I love you", and she'd asked me to remove my dog collar before saying that sort of thing. I just couldn't help myself. I watched her with all my love as she descended down the steps into the cellar to fix the fuse that had blown yet again.

Then in an instant it all went so horribly wrong. I remembered the flash and a bang and then silence. In a fraction of a second all my happiness was lost. I sensed the absolute deathly silence below before I actually saw her lying there. Her head was at a slight angle, thrown down by the force of the electric current. I can't remember it all accurately, but I remember Fr. Mac insisting I give her the last rites. Both Brendan and Niamh begged me to do it, clutching at straws in their moment of deep grief. Did I do the right thing by going against her wishes? I'll never know, but I don't think she'd mind, knowing my dilemma and the pressures that were put on me.

I remembered the long hours I sat in the cold morgue with her body; it was so lifeless. I knew she'd left me but I couldn't move.
There was nowhere to go. I couldn't think straight, but I do remember wondering if I was being punished for falling in love with her while I was a priest. The rest of that time is very much a blur. I don't remember much of Kieran's baptism, but I knew that I couldn't stay in BallyK where everything reminded me of her; every building, every park, the river and the lake, and all the hills around the village. Everything there reminded me of what I'd had for so brief a moment, then just as quickly I'd lost it all. It was like having a tiny glimpse of heaven, before the curtain closed again, I thought later.

As I sat alone with my thoughts, now a year later, and on the other side of the world. I thought of the rock-strewn mountaintop where we'd come together for the wake. Brendan and Siobhan; Niamh, Ambrose and Kieran; Brian with Liam and Donal and the chinese leftovers; Dr. Ryan, Padraig and even Eamonn had all come up there to remember Assumpta, and to support each other. I felt the tears well up in my eyes as I thought of them. They were all good friends, and I know they would've supported me, but nothing could have eased my pain at the time. How could I have stood the lonely nights, and seeing someone else behind the counter at Fitzgerald's. I know they would've understood why I had to go, but I should contact them, and let them know where I am, and that I'm OK now.

I tried to conjure up Assumpta's face but couldn't. Her curly dark hair was there but I couldn't picture her face. I tried to pray to her, to make some connection, as I had a few times, but I couldn't make any contact. I tried to sense where she was, and if she still watching over me as she promised when she'd appeared to me in the haystack? I felt alone, as if I'd completely lost her since coming to Australia, since moving on in my life. It was as if I'd left her behind in Ireland, thousands of kilometres away. I realised that in my journal I no longer wrote it to Mum anymore either. Now I just recorded my thoughts for myself.

Assumpta had appeared to me a second time and told me to get on with my life. She said I should allow myself to fall in love again. I'd certainly done that; but what would Assumpta think of Alison? I'm sure she would have liked her. No-one could fail to like Alison, she was such a generous person. Would Assumpta be jealous? It was a weird thought.

I let my thoughts wander about the concept of the 'Circle of Life'. Assumpta had died far too young. Both my mother and father were older, but they'd died too soon to see their grandchildren. Now there was Bradley, and soon our baby, and hopefully more. I'd like to see Stephen settled with a family. But one day we too will get old and eventually pass away; and life will go on for those left behind. That is the natural way of things.

My thoughts moved on to some what ifs. What if Assumpta had not died. Would we have got married? Would Assumpta have been able to secure the annulment we needed, or would she have had to divorce Leo? Would we have been together by now? It would've been very hard having to wait.

I thought about the reactions of our friends if we'd announced our love openly. What would Niamh have said? I don't think she
would've approved at first. I think she would've needed time to get used to the idea of Assumpta and I getting married. Ambrose would probably have accepted it more easily.

Brendan was always very supportive, and he had a soft spot for Assumpta. I'm sure he would've been happy if it made Assumpta happy. He would've been glad for us. And Brian; he knew. He would've accepted it as long as it was all above board. Kathleen would have been very disapproving. She would love the gossip it created, and would've put the whole thing down to my being English I suppose.

As I sat on the Booroomba rocks, all rugged up and warming my hands on my hot coffee, I thought of all that had happened to me in only one year. It's enough to fill a book.

I thought of Alison, and her lovely face came clearly into my mind. I thought of all the other new friends I'd made. Phyllis and John were like inheriting more parents; Sarah and David; Andrew, Maree and Bradley. There was Lorraine and Geoff, and Rick who was such a terrific support. I thought of those four lovely young people I'd agreed to be responsible for. Lisa who was so mature and such a help when it was most needed. She now had a safe home in which she could finish her secondary studies.

Jason is now earning an honest wage, and has thankfully shown no interest in getting in touch with his old friends or brother. He
seems to be unlikely to get into any more trouble with the police. He's becoming more sensitive to Damian's lack of confidence and is trying to help him. Damian and Jane are also blossoming and coming out of their shells now that they are safe and away from their parents. I'm confident that with time they will develop into caring adults who will not perpetuate the cycle that their parents and possibly grandparents were locked into. I thanked God for all of them, and rededicated my life to doing whatever He wants me to do.

I realise that having our baby now, all our foster children will experience at close hand another style of parenting and nurturing, that's different to what their parents modelled. I'd like to involve them all the care of our baby, and encourage them to feel that they are all an important part of our family. Alison and I will have to be especially careful that we don't ever give them the impression that we care more for our own child than them. I thanked God for making me aware of this possibility before we'd made this mistake.

I sat and ate the sandwiches I'd made and realised that I'd been sitting on the rocks for over two hours. There were two things I decided to do when I got back. The first (which I've now done), was to write to both Brendan and Michael Ryan and let them know I'm OK, and working in Australia. Later, when I've seen their reaction about my leaving the priesthood, I'll tell them about Ali and the baby.

The second thing is that I'm going to start planning a trip to England and Ireland. It will mean organising care for the younger three foster children, as it would be far too difficult and expensive to take them all, so it will have to be planned very carefully. However, if we take only the baby then the others might feel unwanted, and not as much part of our family as the new baby. This is something I have to think through further.

I've taken the first step in getting in touch with my Irish friends. I want to visit them, but I also know that my future now lies here
with Ali and our family. After those thoughts I suddenly felt ready to return to them.

As I got up I realised how stiff I'd become. I started to climb down carefully until I'd got my blood flowing and my muscles working properly again. I was in a hurry to get home, so it took me very little time to get back to the car. I turned the heater on and listened to the radio as I drove the 50Km back to my family.

I gave Ali a big hug when she met me at the door, to let her know how much I loved her.
"Sorry love, I really had to get away by myself today", I told her.
"That's fine," she assured my as she stroked the back of my hair. You don't have to explain, I understand; but I was getting a bit
worried when you weren't home by mid afternoon. It's getting dark so early now that we've just had the shortest day of the year."

I felt a bit guilty that I hadn't given Ali more indication of where I was going and that I was OK.
"What have I done to deserve someone as wonderful and understanding as you", I said to her. "I really don't deserve you".
"Like when I get cranky with everyone when I'm tired?"
I gave her another big hug then looked around.

"Where are all those kids I've been missing today?" I asked when I realised it was so quiet.
"Lisa's upstairs showing Jane something she's been making for the baby, and the boys are outside. It is rather quiet though, and that's usually a bad sign. Maybe you could see if they're up to something they don't want us to know about".

When I stepped outside I saw them straight away. Jason was motioning me with his hands to be quiet, while Damian had a tight hold of Benji's collar, and had his other hand around Benji's muzzle to stop him barking.

When I looked to where Jason was pointing I could see it. A lovely large specimen of a Blue-tongue lizard. I went over to where Damian was trying his best to keep Benji from pestering the lizard. I took Benji from the small lad, and half carrying him, I took him inside and locked him in the laundry where we could hear his protests, but he couldn't do anything. I motioned to Ali to follow me out.

By this time Damian had picked the lizard up. It's bright blue tongue flicked in and out, but I could tell that it wasn't feeling aggressive towards Damian. We released the reptile in the front garden where Benji couldn't reach it, and it quickly slipped under the protection of some leaves under the overhanging bushes.

"Hi boys, did you have a good day?" I asked them.
They enthusiastically told me what they'd been doing, and how when Benji started barking at something in the bushes they'd gone to investigate. Apparently I'd arrived at just the right moment as Damian couldn't hold his pet away much longer.
"You're a naughty boy," he admonished Benji sternly. Benji tail dropped immediately and he lowered his head, understanding that his master was angry, but not knowing what he'd done just then to be scolded. I explained to Damian that Benji's memory wasn't that good, and that he wouldn't understand that Damian was scolding him for something that happened 5 minutes ago. I pointed out to him that if Benji is to learn, he has to scold Benji while he is actually doing the misdeed, not afterwards, when maybe what Benji is actually doing then is OK.

"I'm sorry, Peter", he said. I smiled and ruffled his hair.
"That's OK pal, but it's Benji you need to apologise to. He's wondering what he was doing wrong just then." I think Damian
understood. Jason was listening carefully and he said that it made sense, because you can't tell an animal in words exactly what
behaviour it is, that's wrong.
"So you have to praise the dog at the time it is behaving properly, and yell at it at the time it's doing the wrong thing." He said half to himself but also to Damian."

Tonight over a cuppa I told Ali where I'd gone and what I'd thought about. She said that it was a good idea to contact Brendan and Michael Ryan, and that it would be lovely to visit England and Ireland at some stage when the baby was old enough to travel easily, and when the older ones could be left.

I told her of my concern regarding how the older ones might feel if we left them behind for a number of weeks.
"Oh, I never thought of that", she said. "They could feel we care more about our baby than we do about them. But I'd hate it to be the reason why we can't go. I've always wanted to visit England. I'd like to see Yorkshire, where they made "All Creatures Great & Small" that I watched as a small child. "Heartbeat" was also filmed there. Mum and I used to sit together every Sunday night after dinner and watch it." She sat quietly in thought for a moment.
"I don't suppose we could afford to take all four could we?"
I looked across at her and shook my head.
"The older three would all be full fares," I pointed out. "And imagine having to find and then afford accommodation for seven people every night. I'm afraid I don't think it's possible."

I went and sat next to her and drew her close. As I kissed her hair and caressed her cheek with my thumb, I told her how happy I was that I was married to her; that we had this lovely house so we can look after these youngsters and give them a happy and loving home life.
"That's far more important than a trip to Europe". I could see that she was disappointed, but I was trying to put a cheerful face on it. "We'll go when the kids are all older," I promised, but I too felt sad, because that's not going to be for a long time with Jane aged only 11.

Ali put her hand over mine and gave a squeeze. She told me that life was close to perfect, and that she was so thankful that I'd
accepted Phyllis' invitation of over a year ago and come to Australia.

Fri. 2 July

This week seems to have just flown by, and we now have two weeks holiday. Because Ali is starting her confinement leave these holidays, she received lots of good wishes from the staff and students of her school, and was presented with a beautiful baby album in which we can record all the details of our baby's milestones.

The Youth Group tonight had a hayride and Shearing Shed Dance at a sheep property not far out of Canberra. Alison held my hand as we watched about 30 youngsters clamber up on top of the bales of hay. They were taken on a round-about route through the paddocks and some bushland to where the dance is being held in the distant shearing shed.

I smiled as I saw Lisa and Ben sitting as close as possible, and overheard Jessica inviting Jason to come sit with her and her friends. This young lady seems to have been interested in forming a friendship with Jason since the musical.
"Young love, ain't it grand", I said to Alison, feeling like an old man as we watched the tractor pulling away with it's human load.
"It's very sweet, and brings back memories of a lot of happy and exciting emotions as well as some painful ones", she replied. "But give me the adult love of a real man every time". She turned towards me and we kissed deeply in the darkness.

"Err hmm". Someone coughed near us. It was Rick. "Are you two lovebirds going to stay for the dance, or take the opportunity to have some time on your own at home?" he added with a laugh.
"Trust you to be standing in the dark eavesdropping." I said jovially, knowing that Rick wouldn't take offence. I looked at Ali and suggested that if Rick didn't need us tonight and if he or one of the other parents could drop the kids off, then we might go home early and have a quiet night on our own. We followed Rick over to the shed and made a quick inspection of how the Smyth family had set up their shearing shed for the dance, before heading off home. We finished our packing so now we can leave early tomorrow.

We were very appreciative that the group had invited Jane who wouldn't normally be eligible to join the Youth group until next year. Because Ali and I had been helping most Fridays, Jane has been included on a number of occasions. Damian, Lisa and Ben had all promised to look after her and keep her safe on the hayride.

The DJ, an older brother of one of the girls, had just finished setting up his equipment. He was ready to begin as soon as the haycart was within earshot. A few students had thought the idea of a hayride was a bit corny, but sometimes the simple pleasures that our parents enjoyed can be refreshingly different to today's generation that's growing up in the midst of all our advanced technology. The looks on the faces of these city kids as they left, confirmed that it was a novel way to begin the dance.

Sat. 3 July

By lunchtime all the kids were packed and the last ones had been collected. We'd organised for a neighbour to collect our mail and check that everything was OK while we were away. We were also ready and so headed south to Mallacoota.

We arrived late afternoon, so were able to unpack and get organised before it got dark and cold. While Ali prepared our evening meal I cut some firewood and soon had a roaring fire going in the fireplace. The atmosphere here now in winter is very different to when we were last here in the heat of summer.

Feeding two is so much easier than having to prepare for six Ali declared as she served up. Especially when we both will eat just about anything. At home we have to remember that Jason doesn't like pumpkin, and Damian won't eat broccoli nor cauliflower, and Jane is allergic to things that contains peanuts.

We turned on the television and watched the news while we ate dinner off our laps. It was nice just to be able to choose to watch whatever we wanted, not that we had much choice really. We settled on the 1988 movie "Beaches" with Bette Midler. It was very sad, and we both felt very emotional as we sat together on the couch and hugged to comfort each other.

When the movie was finished I got up and stoked the fire, and made us some hot chocolate. We just sat and enjoyed the utter peace that surrounded us. I remembered the packet of marshmallows I'd packed, so we toasted a few and put some in our drinks. It was so nice being together, knowing that we weren't going to be interrupted by someone having a nightmare, or who wanted to discuss something with us.

It was a luxury just being together on our own like this. We'd turned off the lights so we could watch the lights of a couple of fishing boats moving on the lake below us, and in the distance we followed the light of a seagoing ship that was moving on the horizon. All the time the regular flashes of the Gabo Island lighthouse swept over us, reminding us that the coast out there wasn't safe for ships that came in too near the shore.

I think I could happily retire to somewhere like this when I'm old and infirm. When all I'm capable of is sitting by the fire and
watching the world going by. When the fire had died down, we put the screen in front of it, and crept into our warm bed. Life is just perfect at present, and I thank God for how He's blessed us.

Mon. 5 July

Today we repeated some of the walks we did in summer. Now the vegetation is all green and there's no danger of coming across a snake; they've all found holes in which to hibernate for the winter. We went out rugged up in boots and a warm water-proof coat. The ocean seems rougher, but still beautiful. We found some lovely driftwood that Ali wants to take home and use in a display. We also came across an interesting shell that was in perfect condition. There's hardly anyone about, so we had the beach completely to ourselves.

Tonight we ate out at the pub. The food was basic but good, and it was nice to chat to some of the locals. We met Terry who is one of the local National Parks rangers. He was a very pleasant person and he told us a little about how this area has changed over the years. There are a number of once separate parks that are now all part of the large Croajingalong National Park that takes up most of this far eastern Victorian coastline.

Terry has lived in the area for about ten years and he and his family love it here. His children attend the local school, and his wife works as nursing sister in the local clinic. There's no resident doctor or hospital facilities.
"Any serious cases, including confinements," he told us, looking at Ali's obviously pregnant shape, "have to go to Eden, over the NSW border about 100Km back towards Sydney".
I told Ali tonight that she's not to go into labour early while we're away from home. I found the thought a bit scary, and wish that Terry hadn't brought up the subject.

Tues. 6 July

It was one of those absolutely superb winter days today. The sky was cloudless and the sun shone brilliantly, even though the
temperature was only 16 degrees. We decided to call the air charter company and see if we could book a flight like they'd advertised in a brochure. At only $50 each for a 50-minute flight over the National Park and Gabo Island it seemed to be good value for money.

It was a very interesting and enjoyable experience. Les our pilot, is a local schoolteacher who does this in his school holidays to both supplement his income and to keep his flying hours up. We were both given earphones so we could hear what Les had to tell us over the noise of the small plane, and so that he could hear our questions. We headed south-west from the Mallacoota airport and Les pointed out Wingan Inlet below us where until very recently you could still help yourself to a big feed of oysters growing on the rocks.

Both Wingan and Mallacoota Inlets were formed from drowned river valleys he told us. Les took the plane in low where he showed us The Skerries, some rocks just off Wingan Inlet where we saw some of the large colony of Australian fur seals. Further on east there were more sand dunes, and Les pointed out Point Hicks. This headland is recorded as being the first part of the eastern Australian coastline seen by Capt. Cook in 1770.

When we were about 40 kilometres west of Mallacoota, Les turned the plane due north and later east as he flew us over more of the bushland of the National Park. It was exhilarating seeing everything from the air as it spread out below us. The cleared paddocks dispersed amongst the unspoiled bush of the National Park, then in the distance the two lakes of Mallacoota, and the ocean stretched out to our south as far as the eye could see. I had to stop myself taking too many photos, it was so beautiful.

Les took us over Gipsy point which lies at the northern end of the Mallacoota lakes and we continued east to the NSW border which we then followed south east to Cape Howe. This is on the border between the two states, and is where the coastline changes from running generally east/west in Victoria, to due north/south in New South Wales.

From Cape Howe, Les took us over the water to Gabo Island. It's only a few kilometres off the mainland and was once joined to it. Besides the famous lighthouse that's built of the local unique red granite, there are several old keepers cottages that can be rented out via the National Parks Service to holiday makers who want to have a very quiet holidaytime with a whole island all to themselves. We saw more seals sunning themselves on the sand or frolicking over the rocks. Les said that it was very common to see whales in spring when they migrate south to breed, and in autumn when they migrate back north away from the cold of Antarctica.

From Gabo island we flew straight back to Mallacoota. Thankfully, although the little plane twisted and turned and even shook as it was buffeted in the wind, neither Ali nor I felt sick. We found ourselves taxiing back to the small office exactly 50 minutes after we'd left. It was terrific seeing it all from a different perspective. We thanked Les for his time, and as we walked back to our car we slowly found our land legs again.

In town we bought some lunch then sat on the beach and ate it, washing it down with fruit juice. The tide was out, leaving a ribbon of pristine sand.
"I'm going to build a sand castle", Ali announced suddenly. "Will you help me?"
"Of course," I answered. So there we were behaving like two kids building a castle. After we'd finished I took a photo of Ali standing proudly beside our magnificent creation.

One thing about winter and being so far east, is that it starts to get dark by 5pm, and the temperature drops quickly too. There was plenty of wood stacked up under the roof at the side of the small shed, but there wasn't much kindling. So while Ali prepared our meal, I cut some more kindling and lit the fire. There is an electric radiator in the cottage, but it's not as warm as the open fire and doesn't have the same atmosphere. I think the extra work is worth the effort.

We sat by the fire and enjoyed a warm thick soup that Ali had made. She'd put a small pot roast with lots of vegies into a large cast iron 'Dutch oven' that we'd found in a cupboard, and sat it in the fire as soon as I'd lit it. It was now cooking while we ate our soup and watched the news on the television. It took about an hour then our next course was ready. It was delicious, the same as if we'd been out camping and cooked it over a campfire. It was our last night here, so we made the most of it.

Fri. 9 July

Today was our last full day here. We've had a lovely time enjoying each other's company without the usual interruptions and
distractions. Alison managed to knit a little baby's jacket that she's very proud of, and I've been able to read two books, as well as see lots of nice scenery and take in the fresh, unpolluted air. Tomorrow we have to pack up and return home.

By Sunday all the children will be back, and we'll have to share ourselves with them again. It's been a really great break, but I am looking forward to seeing them again and hearing about all the exciting things they've done this week. We can tell them about the aeroplane flight, the sand castle and the walks we took.

Wed. 14 July.

Well everything is back to normal now. The boys spend a lot of time playing on the Nintendo or watching television. We had Jonno here yesterday, and tomorrow Jason will have a day at Jonno's house.

Benji ran around sniffing all the corners of the yard to make sure no animal has been uncovering any of his bones while he was away, and Jane proudly brought home some lovely coloured baby's clothes she knitted by herself. She's now started another article that includes some fancy stitches that Phyllis taught her. Phyllis says that she enjoyed teaching Jane who's a fast learner when it comes to doing things with her hands. She wants Phyllis to teach her how to crotchet next.

Damian enjoyed his time with John. He told me how John had taken him fishing and they'd caught two large fish that Phyllis had
cooked. They'd been large enough to feed them all. Lisa had also enjoyed her time away, but was glad to be back home in her own room with her own things.

She had her own key so had popped home a few times to collect things. She said that she didn't stay for long as it wasn't the same when we weren't there. Alison gave her a hug when she said that. We both told her that this was her home and that she was always welcome back, even after she left.

Sat. 17 July.

Today was Jane's twelveth birthday. When she came down for breakfast there were lots of good wishes, and then we all sang Happy Birthday to her. The boys gave her a basket that a cat could sleep in, and when she unwrapped Lisa's present, it contained a cat bowl and brush, but no cat. She looked at us a bit puzzled; especially when all Ali and I gave her was an envelope.

Inside was a card that said that we'd take her down to the RSPCA animal shelter where she could pick out a cat or kitten to take home. Damian and I did this with Jane, while Lisa helped Ali prepare the food for the party. Jason organised the table and decorations, so when we returned, everything was almost ready.

Jane chose a beautiful fluffy black and white kitten that's about 2 months old. She's named her Mindy and spent a lot of the day
brushing her.

After lunch three girls, all from her new school, joined us for a Birthday party. This included her new best friend Emma. Phyllis and John and Geoff and Lorraine also came over. They had combined to buy Jane a brand new bicycle so that she can ride to school if she wishes as well as to Emma's house nearby. Rick also dropped in and gave Jane a book about caring for cats and kittens. I think she was quite overcome as probably no-one has ever done so much for her. She didn't know what to say other than thank you, but her eyes just said it all. I'm sure she meant it when she said that it was the best birthday she's ever had.

John and Phyllis stayed for dinner and afterwards when all the children were upstairs we had a very pleasant conversation with them. We told them about our week, and they said how glad they were that we'd taken the break, as we both looked more rested now than in the previous week. They congratulated us both on the excellent job they think we're doing with the children. Both of them have offered to help us again if we needed a break, as they feel that what we're doing is so worthwhile. I think they quite enjoyed looking after Damian and Jane.

Mon. 19 July

Today school started back for all the students and teachers except for Alison. It was lovely coming home and knowing Ali was there waiting for us. She baked some biscuits and some lovely fresh homemade bread, so the smell that greeted us as we came through the door was delicious. She assured me she'd also had an afternoon nap, as the doctor has advised she do.

Alison has arranged to take at least one year's leave, but most likely she'll take eighteen months. After that she'd like to return to teaching, probably on a part-time basis. However, we've also discussed the possibility that I may take time off to stay at home with our young child or children. I rather like the idea of being a full-time father to our children. Or I might work part-time and Ali work full-time. However, we're going to decide this when the time comes

When I mentioned this once to Fiona she laughed and said that it sounded great, until you were left at home all day with only a baby to talk to. She said she knew she had to do something when she realised that she'd waited near the letterbox one day so she could have a conversation with the postman. All the poor man wanted to do was finish his round so he could get home. That's when she made herself join a gym and later a playgroup for Chloe, before going back to work where she could have a sensible conversation with adults.

During the school holidays Jonno was able to persuade his parents to let him apply for casual work. He's now started working at the same McDonald's store as Jason. Jason is now into the habit of saving some of his income so that over the weekend he was able to buy himself some 'Nike' brand shoes and a walkman.

Damian is a bit envious of Jason being able to do this, although clothes are not a big thing with him. I think it's just the idea of growing up and becoming independent that appeals to Damian. He intends to apply for work as soon as he's old enough, which will be at the end of the year. It'll be very good for his confidence if he gets a job, but I'm glad we've got until the end of the year to get him to the stage where he can sell himself in an interview. He's reading much better now. He tries to read any books that are about animals, and says that he'd like to become a vet.

Although Jane seems to be very good in looking after Mindy, it's been Damian who's made sure that everything has been done on time. I overheard them after we'd finished dinner tonight when Damian asked her if she'd fed Mindy and changed her water yet. When Jane admitted she hadn't he reminded her that she didn't like it when dinner was late and she was hungry. Also, just as she liked a nice clean drink, Mindy did too. Jane didn't argue, but went and did it straight away.

Damian himself has been extremely responsible with Benji. He cleans up all his droppings every afternoon after school, and makes sure he always has fresh water to drink and takes him out for a walk most nights. Once a week Benji gets brushed, although his coat is quite short. In the warm weather Damian also baths him every week, but now in the winter we've had to plan when we could bath him inside and keep him indoors for awhile.

Alison has only about 7 weeks to go now, and she seems to be getting very big. If we hadn't seen the scan I'd wonder about twins. She's finding it hard to get up out of a low chair, or to roll over in bed. In fact I'm finding it hard getting close to her with this baby coming between us. She says she knows what it must be like to get old and immobile.

She can't understand why I love to see her like this. I find her pregnant shape really beautiful, while she feels ugly, and can't wait until she has her slim figure back. I've taken a couple of lovely candid photos of her when she wasn't looking. My favourite I took about a week ago outside on the patio. The sun was behind her, outlining her swollen shape inside a loose seemingly transparent dress. Her head was thrown back, and she was smiling as she took in the fresh morning air. The breeze just caught her hair as I clicked the shutter. Looking at my photograph, I can understand an artist being inspired to paint the pregnant female figure.

I feel very protective towards her, and have to stop myself from wanting to treat her like a fragile invalid. I can't believe how close it is now. I feel very excited when I realise that in a few weeks I'll be a real father. I can't wait to hold our child in my arms.

Thurs. 23 July

When I came home this afternoon I found Alison as white as a sheet.
"What's wrong?" I asked her.
"I.. I don't know", she said. "I just have a bad feeling that something has gone wrong. This afternoon I felt the baby do a somersault; I'm sure of it. I was just resting when I felt this almighty upheaval. Now I think it's got it's head stuck up under my rib cage, and I can't feel any movements. I'm wondering if it's gone and choked itself on the cord."

I could see that Ali was really worried, and I was worried too. I felt an awful sickness in the pit of my stomach as I remembered Niamh's miscarriage, and how it had nearly split her and Ambrose. I had to get Ali to medical help immediately and see if something had gone wrong. I prayed as I rang the clinic and was relieved to find that our own doctor was on duty and he'd see us immediately.

Knowing that Sarah was still at work and that David took soccer training on Thursdays, I rang Rick and he said he'd be over straight away. So we just walked out, and explained briefly to the kids that Rick was on his way, and to be good.

The doctor confirmed immediately on feeling Ali's tummy that the baby had indeed turned and was now in a breech position. I caught the distressed look on Ali's face as he said this. I squeezed her hand and we held our breath while the doctor listened for a heartbeat.

After what to us seemed to be an age, he said that he could hear the heartbeat, but admitted that it seemed a bit faint, indicating that it might be because of the strange position our baby was now in. He advised that Ali should be admitted to hospital where he could ask for a second opinion, and also so she and the baby could be monitored overnight. Then in the morning he'd decide whether to try to turn the baby or whether it would be better to do a Caesarian section and deliver our baby before it became stressed. I'll never forget the look of fear and horror on Ali's face when he said this.

I kissed he and told he how much I loved her as she went in the ambulance while I went home to collect her things and to explain the situation to Rick and the children.

It was a subdued lot who greeted me as I walked in the front door. Rick had helped Lisa organise a meal and I took a few mouthfuls of it as I collected Ali's things and explained to them what had happened and what was likely to happen tomorrow. I remembered to ring Maureen my boss and explained the situation. She was most supportive and said she'd ring St. Patrick's tomorrow tell them that I wouldn't be in.

To see the stricken look on all their faces worried me, but there was nothing I could say to help them. If only I could have kept the news only for Rick, but in my haste that wasn't possible. I tried to play down the seriousness of the situation, but I couldn't lie to them. It wasn't a minor problem.

After seeing the worried looks on the children, Rick suggested that we shouldn't worry Geoff or Lorraine unless there was more news. All I could do was thankfully accept Rick's offer to stay the night, and instruct Lisa to get out the spare bedding and to show Rick how the couch folded out into a spare bed for him to sleep on.

I rushed back to Alison and found her to be very frightened. She was hooked up to a monitor which showed that our baby's heart was still beating but was faint. As we looked at the ultra-sound image of our child, I willed her to hang on. (The doctors were referring to 'her', so I suppose it's probably a little girl. At least girls are supposed to be tougher than boys at this stage).

I sent out messages of love to her as I rubbed Alison's tummy, and I begged her to stay with us so that we could share our love. It was strange, but it seemed that as we both willed our baby to live, her heartbeat became a little stronger, as we watched the peaks on the screen.

An Obstetrics specialist had been called in and he felt the baby's position. He said that he'd like to try to turn the baby now, before she became too comfortable or settled into this new awkward position. He ordered a theatre to be prepared in case it didn't work and an emergency Caesar needed to be carried out. He was pleased to hear that Ali hadn't eaten for over 6 hours.

Ali was prepared in case she needed to be rushed in surgery. I was allowed to stay by Ali's head and held her hand while the doctor gently started to manipulate her bulge. All the time I was willing our little girl to turn.
"Come on Angel, just turn over for Daddy" I kept saying to her in my mind. "Just relax and let yourself go where the hands are
pushing you." Ali and I were both trying to mentally move her.
"She's a determined young lady", the doctor commented, as a nurse wiped the perspiration from his brow, evidence of his intense concentration.

While the doctor stopped and checked all the instruments, I wiped Alison's face with a moist cloth.
"Right, we'll try one more time", the doctor said to the young trainee doctor who'd been helping him.
"Come on Stephanie," I was saying when he started again. "Please do it for Mummy and yourself."
I was holding Alison's hands and she was holding mine so tight that it hurt. All the time I was willing our baby to turn.

Then suddenly, like a huge wave, the bulge expanded in one spot and it moved across to the other side of Ali's swollen tummy, as she nearly lifted off the bed. It disappeared as quickly as it had started and Ali lay still, with tears welling out of her eyes. While I was wiping her face, the doctor was reaching for his stethoscope. We held our breath while he listened. He confirmed that not only had our daughter turned, but her heartbeat was now stronger again, and the emergency appeared over. The heights of the peaks on the monitor seemed to confirm this.

Tears were rolling down my face as he spoke, and I thanked him profusely. Alison was crying too. What a scare. I didn't argue when the doctor suggested that Alison should stay in hospital for 24 hours so that they could be sure that our daughter didn't try the same trick again and to monitored them for a while before allowing them back home.

When I asked the doctor if it was some movement that Ali had made, that caused the baby to turn like that, he said that it probably wasn't.
"Sometimes these things just happen", he said. Then he added, "When the baby has been in the right position from the beginning, they can usually be turned back fairly readily. Your little girl put up quite a fight though. I almost thought we weren't going to be able to turn her there for awhile."
He assured us that if she settled down and didn't try it during the night, Stephie was no more likely to turn back again than any other baby.

I love Ali so much. It was awful to see her in pain, even for that short moment when Stephie turned. I didn't want to leave her, but I knew she was exhausted, and I was remembering the five worried pairs of eyes I'd left behind at home. I asked Ali if she'd minded me going back to reassure them. Of course she told me to go. She sent her love to them all and asked me to pass on her thanks to Rick.

As I raced home I was thankful that I hadn't contacted Geoff and Lorraine. The children were all up and fired questions at me as soon as I stepped out of the car. They were all very relieved when I was able to tell them the good news, and very excited when I told them our baby was a little girl.

They wanted to know all the details of how the doctor had turned the baby, and Jane's eyes nearly popped out of her head when I describe how the bulge had moved.
"Wow, that must have been great to see", Jason observed with wonder.
"Didn't it hurt Alison?" Lisa asked. I had to admit that it probably did for a moment, but I assured them that Ali was now fine and in good hands. With that I pointed them all upstairs to their beds. Jason asked for a note to explain why he hadn't finished his homework, which of course was (as usual) left to the last moment. I didn't have the heart to refuse. As I knew the teacher involved, I explained briefly what had happened.

Rick made a pot of coffee while I ushered them to their rooms and answered their last questions. It was good to be able to sit down and talk over the experience with a friend like Rick. He offered to stay the night in case of any further dramas, but I thanked him and reminded him that he'd probably still get the chance to try out our couch in a few weeks time when Stephie does make her appearance at the right time.

Tonight I thanked God again for his mercy in saving little Stephanie and in keeping Alison safe. I thanked him for Rick and his
support.

Fri. 24 July

As Alison was still in hospital, I had no doubts that my responsibilities were with her and not my work. With Lisa's help all the children were fed and dressed correctly with their bags packed on time. Jason had done a good job of making all the lunches, and I'd signed Damian's permission note for an excursion. I'd even managed to organise Damian and Jane to empty the dishwasher from the night before and stack the breakfast dishes back in. I waved them all off just after 8.30am, making sure that they either had their key, or knew where the spare was hidden, in case I was late back.

Then it was only a quick task to tidy away the cereals and jam that had been left out, wipe away any toast crumbs and the place looked tidy. It's amazing how in an emergency everyone can pull together and get a job done without any whining or complaint.

I was back at the hospital by 9am, which seemed quite early until Ali reminded me that she'd been awake for nearly 4 hours. She looked tired and vulnerable but said she wasn't in pain, only she hadn't slept much. I gave her a gentle hug and a kiss. She understood that I couldn't come back until the children were off to school so she hadn't expected me any earlier. I patted her tummy and sent waves of love to Stephanie. I received a smart kick in return, but at least it meant that our baby was alive and well.

In fact Ali said that she'd been kicking for most of the night, which is one of the things that had kept her awake. It was as if our child was protesting at having been turned.
"She'll get tired and have to give up and go to sleep at some time", I said to Alison, trying to reassure her. (Prophetic words: I wasn't to know then how often we'd say those words to each other over the next year. June 2000)

I thought of beautiful placid Bradley. I knew then that our daughter will never be placid. Can souls choose to come back to Earth in a new body. I've heard that some people believe this. Somehow our daughter's behaviour reminded me of feisty Assumpta. What if reincarnation is true, and Assumpta has come back to me as my daughter? I find this thought very unsettling and I don't want to think about it anymore.

Alison and I had almost agreed to name our daughter Stephanie Assumpta if we had a daughter. Ali really likes these names and is very keen to choose them. However, I'm a little unsure, as 'Assumpta' is very unusual, and we may often be asked to explain where we'd got the name from. Also, as far as I'm concerned there was only ever one Assumpta; or was there now??? As if she was agreeing with my thoughts, my daughter gave my hand one last kick before settling down. Stephanie Assumpta Clifford it's going to be, I think.

Alison also fell asleep and so I sat there and loved her silently. I was determined not to let anything wake her, as she badly needed her rest. She woke briefly about midmorning when a nurse came in. She smiled when she saw me sitting there, then thankfully went back to sleep. I was so glad that our daughter had finally exhausted herself.

Sat. 25 July

Ali was allowed home this morning, but she was told that she must take thing easy for the last few weeks. She can continue to do all her usual activities as long as she doesn't over do it. The children were all pleased to have her back and promised to try and help so she didn't have to bend or lift things.

Lisa had two loads of washing on the line by the time Rick called in with a cake for morning tea. I persuaded him to stay for lunch so that when Alison went to have her compulsory afternoon nap I had the chance to talk to him.

"What do you think about reincarnation?" I asked him straight out.
"Uh? Well I'm not sure really," he replied. "I haven't really given it much thought, but why do you want to know?"
I was a bit vague about how this concept had come into my mind. He explained that he'd read stories of children who claimed to have lived somewhere that they'd never visited in their present life. or others who recognised places or people they were not supposed to have known. However, as they grew up they seemed to loose this knowledge.

He agreed that the church did not teach anything about reincarnation and seemed to dismiss it's existence. I then told him about my thoughts last night, and how our daughter's behaviour reminded so much of Assumpta that the idea just came into my head. Rick is not a person who ignores things that he's uncomfortable with. It would've been very easy for him to tell me that it was just a coincidence that our daughter seemed to be difficult, and that it reminded me of some aspects of Assumpta's personality. In fact that's what most people would do. However, Rick took my thoughts seriously. He pointed out that it wasn't very strong evidence, but he promised to dig up some books on the subject.

Tues. 27 July

We attended our first ante-natal class today. There were six couples all due about the same time in September. It reminded me of the stories I heard about Ambrose fainting every time there was some discussion about the actual delivery in the classes he and Niamh attended.

I'm finding the whole thing very exciting and I intend to help Ali every step of the way. Today's class first went over what's been
happening to the mother and baby up to now. The class continued with everyone being instructed to lie on the floor. We were told to think about each group of our own muscles and to contract them and then release them. So we learnt how a muscle felt when it was tense and when it was relaxed. After we did this for about 15 minutes we could hear some snoring coming from one corner of the room as one of the men had fallen asleep. He was quite embarrassed later when it was time to sit up. I was glad it hadn't happened to me, because I've been quite tired lately.

We were also taught how the mother should concentrate on her breathing in order to keep her muscles relaxed so that they can do their work of getting the baby on its way out into the world. The fathers were told that it was their job to remind their partners to do this, should they start to panic and lose the rhythm of their breathing. We were told that if the mother starts to tense up and contract her muscles then it makes the uterus' work harder and so her labour will be longer and probably more painful.

The breathing technique will be practiced every week in class, and we were told to also practice it for homework so that when the time comes it will be automatic.

Sun. 1 August

Alison is being very good in trying not to overdo things, although it's very hard for her with a husband and four children in the house. Phyllis and Lorraine came over on Friday and between them gave the house a thorough clean. This was most appreciated.

Generally we're in a good routine now, and the days are flying by with it being only about a month to go now. Thankfully, Alison feels well and the doctors don't expect our daughter to indulge in any more gymnastics.

Sat. 7 August

With four children life will never be dull. At Youth Group last night Kyle dared Damian to climb a tall tree that grows at the back of the church. With help, Damian got started, but then lost his nerve when he was half way up. Both Jonno and Jason climbed up to help him and managed to talk him down, but then Jason slipped and broke his arm.

Since Ali's scare two weeks ago, Rick has insisted that I stay home with her on Friday nights, and that he and Tony can manage the Youth Group on their own. So it was a heart-stopping phone call we got from the hospital to tell us that Jason was there. We were assured that he was fine, but they wanted to keep him in overnight to make sure there was no concussion. Once again I found myself packing bags for someone to stay overnight in hospital.

Jason was really brave. Lisa had gone with him, but he assured us that he was capable of staying there on his own, and that he didn't need a parent or sister staying with him overnight. The X-ray had confirmed a clean break and the medical staff were about to put his arm in plaster when I turned up. When the plaster had been applied, we helped him get into his pjamas then wished him good night.

Rick had brought Damian and Jane home, so he was able to fill us in on how the accident had happened. Damian was sorry that he'd been the cause of Jason climbing the tree, and he said that he'd learnt his lesson from Rick about not accepting dares. I decided that was probably enough for him to think about tonight. I suggested they go up to bed while I had a chat to Rick, then I'd be along shortly to tuck them in, and answer any other questions they had.

Tues. 10 August

Ante-natal classes have been continuing every week, and we've found them quite good fun. A number of the couples are of a similar age to us, and we're united in the important experience we are all about to share. One couple in particular seem to be very friendly. Like us, Paul and Helen are expecting their first child, although they don't have a tribe of teenage foster children at home like us. They lost their first baby last year when Helen miscarried at 5 months, so like us they are a bit apprehensive in case something goes wrong.

We've invited them here for a meal at the weekend as they're in the middle of having their kitchen renovated. At present they're
cooking in their laundry using a microwave and a camping stove. Ali suggested we do a roast as it feeds a lot of people, cooks itself once in the oven, and is something that can't be cooked in their laundry. Also it's a good choice for winter.

Sat. 14 August

We had a very pleasant evening getting to know Helen and Paul. I think they're quite impressed with what we're trying to achieve by fostering these youngsters. Later when the kids were upstairs, Paul admitted that he'd imagined that fostering older children would entail a lot of work trying to rehabilitate badly adjusted and poorly behaved teenagers who'd wreck the house and try to steal from you any chance they got. He admitted to exaggerating, but he was surprised how good they all were together, considering the difficult situations they've come from.

I told him that they were generally very good and that we were very proud of them, but that if he was here in the morning when the boys thought Lisa was taking too long in the shower, or they were arguing about who was hogging the phone or the Nintendo, then he'd realise that they were just very normal children. In fact that's exactly it, I said to him, our wish was for them to grow up to be normal, well-adjusted young adults.

Most of the evening was of course taken up with baby talk. Alison proudly showed them our nursery, and they seemed very
impressed. They haven't lived here for long, and both their parents and extended families live interstate, so they haven't got the great support we have.

We accepted their invitation to have a meal with them in two weeks time when their kitchen should be finished; this of course is
assuming neither couple is in hospital or has given birth yet. Helen said that Paul makes a very good curry, so suggested we could make it a curry night. Alison offered to make some strawberry ice-cream out of the strawberries from last season that she'd only just discovered hiding at the back of the freezer. It would be a suitably light finish to the meal. As far as we knew Lisa didn't have anything organised, so we will ask her to baby-sit. She's usually quite willing if we give her plenty of notice and we offer to pay for the hire of a couple of videos for her and Ben to watch.

Jason's arm seems to be on the mend. He's had no trouble playing on the Nintendo against Damian and Jonno this week. I think he's been quite pleased to get of washing dishes, but he's also been limited what work he can do at McDonalds.

Thurs. 19 August

Ever since our last ante-natal class, where we were told about all the different ways in which labour might start, Ali and I have been a bit nervous about it. We put a waterproof sheet on our bed today to protect the mattress in case Ali's waters break. Every time our daughter decides to practice her kick-boxing Ali wonders if they are the start of contractions.

We still have about 3 weeks to go if our dates are correct, but the doctor confirmed that all is well with our daughter, and if she was born now, there's no reason why she wouldn't survive, unless there is something we don't know about. Ali is still having trouble sleeping at night because that seems to be the time when our little angel/devil wants to practice her exercise program.

I sometimes try to catch her foot and find that she pulls it away. Generally I just caress Ali's stomach and tell them both how much I love them. Everything is so tight now, no wonder the poor little thing wants to stretch her legs sometimes. I think it would be impossible for her to manage to do a somersault now. The doctor more or less agreed that it is very unlikely to occur now.

Sat. 21 August

Next week is Book Week in all the schools, and Jane's school has asked them to dress up as their favourite character from a book. Lisa's suggestion of 'Raggedy Ann' was the only one that Alison felt we could do, that was acceptable to Jane. Lisa went upstairs and came down with a curly bright red wig that she acquired at some time. So now all that was needed was a colourful floral dress and a white apron. The girls rang Phyllis to see if she had any suitable scraps of material. Phyllis is rather taken with Jane, so she offered to sew it for her; so Jane has gone to the Taylor's for the weekend so that Phyllis can fit it on her and finish it off.

Mon. 23 August

Jane came home yesterday afternoon with her costume all completed. She did look like a rather cute doll. Lisa showed her how to be all floppy like a rag doll.

This afternoon Jason brought home a note about the disco at his school this Friday. Students from both Damian's and Lisa's schools have been invited to make up the numbers of both sexes. We were discussing with Jason what he wanted to wear, and generally disagreeing about him wearing his oldest pair of jeans and top.

Alison offered to go out with him to buy a new pair, but he insisted that he wasn't going out in a pair that looked obviously new, and there wasn't enough time to make them look old. In the end he agreed to let Ali patch his old jeans and he'd wear a shirt that was a little better than the old one he originally wanted to wear.

Lisa and Rachel managed to talk Damian into going. It's only open to years 7 to 10, so they're ineligible to go. They pulled out a decent pair of jeans and a long sleeved top that had been Jason's but that he'd out grown. So Damian was easily fixed, and he's going along with Jason and Jonno.

Wed. 25 August

Jane came home from school today looking thrilled. She'd won second prize in the girls dress-up section of the Book Week
Celebrations. We hadn't even realised that it was a competition. She'd won the prize because she'd acted floppy, and she was able to tell the class a few things about who Raggedy Ann was. She looked so gorgeous, we took a number of photos of her with her book voucher prize. We must remember to give her mother some copies, although I doubt she'll really appreciate it. She's made very little effort to see her two children.

Sat. 28 August

We had a very pleasant evening with Helen and Paul tonight. They live only about 10 minutes away, so that was good. The curry was hot, but with the side dishes provided, both the pregnant ladies found it fine. Alison's ice-cream was delicious and complimented the previous course very nicely.

We admired their new kitchen, and agreed, after seeing the 'before photos', that it was a vast improvement. It was much lighter and airy, and easy to work in and keep clean.

As both the girls are not far off their confinement date, and Helen looked very tired, we didn't make it a late night and left about
10.30pm. Ali and I agreed that it would be the last social event before our baby is born.

Sun 29 August

Paul rang us this afternoon, before we'd even had the chance to ring them and thank them for the pleasant evening. He rang to tell us that Helen had been delivered of a baby girl this morning and that all was well.

Helen had gone to bed when we left, but then not long afterwards her contractions had started. It must have been the curry I
suggested. By 2 am the contractions were so strong and close together that they'd gone to the hospital. As they were waiting in the foyer, trying to hurry up the sleepy clerk who was checking their admission forms, her waters broke. This had the desired affect of getting the staff moving more quickly to get her to the delivery room. Their little girl, whom they have named Julia Kate, was born at 7am.

Helen and Paul's news suddenly made Alison realise that her turn could be at any time too, especially as Helen had actually been due a week after us. It gave Ali the incentive to make sure that everything she needed was packed and her suitcase was ready to be just picked up and taken with her. I remembered hearing of how Niamh and Ambrose has a practice run in getting to the hospital, only to run out of petrol. Maybe I'd better fill up 'Henrietta' tomorrow morning.

Tues. 31 August

It was our last ante-natal class today. The other couples were all a bit surprised to hear why Helen and Paul couldn't join us. It was only a revision of everything we've been taught, so we can reassure them that they didn't miss anything crucial. The group has organised to have a reunion in October when everyone should have delivered their babies.

One couple (Debbie & Michael), is expecting twins, and it's their first pregnancy too. Paul and Helen are the only ones so far who've had their baby, but one other mother, Sonya, said that she was wondering if the light pains that she was experiencing might be the start of labour. Our instructor, who's a qualified midwife, took her pulse and felt her tummy. She said it probably was labour, but still in the very early stages. She advised Sonya and her partner to go home and be prepared for the pains to get stronger and closer together, and to contact the hospital when they were 5 minutes apart.

Ali says in some ways she can't wait for it to be her turn, but on the other hand she's a bit afraid of the unknown. I suppose I feel a bit like that too. I'm thrilled that our time is so close; it's so exciting, but I'm also a little afraid that Ali will be in pain, and that I won't be able to help her enough.

Thurs. 2 Sept.

The baby has definitely dropped into position now. Ali said this morning that she can breathe more easily, and she that she felt that her bulge was not as high as it was yesterday. This means that Stephanie's birth is probably not far off.

The doctor confirmed this today. He said that everything is in place as it should be, and that things will start to happen when our little girl is ready to make her appearance. I told Stephie this news tonight when I had one of our little conversations with her.

She was really restless today; every time Ali sat down to eat, Stephie started kicking. In the end Ali gave up and decided to lie down with the new book I'd persuaded her to borrow from the library. Generally Stephie has been fairly quiet during the day, and it's been in the evenings and early hours of the morning when she been most active.

Rick dropped in for a coffee after dinner to see how everything was going. He reminded us that he had turned the volume of his phone up to its maximum, so that if Ali needed to go into hospital during the night we'd have no trouble waking him.

I assured him that we'd definitely ring him when Ali went in, morning or night, and that we'd rely on him to take care to the rest of our family until I got back. I showed him the temporary bed we'd made up in the nursery for him in case it was needed.

Sat. 4 Sept

Helen rang us this evening to see how Ali was. She came home from hospital today and they are enjoying getting to know their little daughter who's nearly a week old.

Ali didn't talk to her for long, and said that she was feeling tired and would go to bed. She's actually been quite moody and irritable today. She had an argument with Lisa over a minor issue, which is so unlike her, but with the lack of sleep and general discomfort I'm not really surprised. Then on top of that, there's all those hormones playing havoc with her emotions, so no wonder she has the grumps.

I tried to keep the boys and Jane out of her hair as much as possible so that they wouldn't get upset by Ali's mood.
"At least it'll soon be over", I said to Lisa when I could see she was upset by Ali's comments. "Nine months is a long time when you're waiting."

Sun 5 Sept

I think things are really close now. Ali's been bustling around and was being really short with everyone today. She suddenly decided that the linen cupboard needed sorting out this afternoon, when I took the younger kids out for a walk in the spring sunshine. I only left Lisa at home to study quietly and to keep an eye on Alison. I'm wondering if Ali's activity this afternoon was an example of the 'nesting instinct' I've heard about. I sure hope so.

I gave Rick a quick warning call this evening, because I think things are moving although Ali insists she's fine. She's been have
irregular pains all week, but this evening they seemed to be coming stronger and more regularly. At nine o'clock I suggested she go to bed and read, and surprisingly she did so without argument. I put on some nice soothing music in our room and let her rest.

I stayed up with the kids for another hour, but once Jane had been dispatched to bed, and TV turned off I felt it was OK for me to retire too. Lisa promised to keep hustling the boys towards bed if they got side tracked.

Ali was actually asleep when I came into the room, but she woke when I turned on the adjoining bathroom light, even though I was being very quiet.
"Don't get undressed," she warned me.
"Why?" I asked, hoping that it meant that things were starting to develop. She explained that she thought she was in the early stages, as the pains were getting stronger, and coming back more regularly.

So I rubbed her back for awhile and she dropped back off asleep. I looked at her serene face and her hair spread across the pillow. I'm so fortunate; I love her so much. I prayed that God would look after us this night. I knew there was no point in getting into bed, and that it was more important for me to be alert when the time came. So that’s how I'm writing this journal at present, while I wait for something more to happen.

Mon. 6 Sept.

Well it's all over, or maybe it's just beginning. We are the proud parents of Stephanie Joy who is absolutely beautiful. It was all such an amazing experience, I want to record all the details in words just as I recorded a lot of it in photos.

It was 3 am when I rang Rick and asked him to come over. He was here in 10 minutes in a tracksuit. He assured us he was fine and he'd be able to go straight back to sleep if we left immediately and he could lie down again.

The roads were clear and it only took us 8 minutes to get to the hospital. At one stage Ali had a very strong contraction in the car, and I found that very scary, remembering that Niamh actually gave birth to Kieran in the back of their car, with only Ambrose to help. We were both very relieved when I drove up to the door of the admissions area and were met by an orderly with a wheelchair and a nurse.

I went to park our faithful 'Henrietta', then found Alison nervously waiting for me in the foyer. It wasn't long before she was safely settled into a birthing suite and she was being examined by a midwife who said it was all 'proceeding nicely'; whatever they mean by that. I mean, I'd rather them tell us that the birth was 10 minutes off, or that Ali still had a few hours of this to go. As it turned out she definitely had still along time to go, while to me she should have been nearly there by now. I mean, she'd been feeling pains all week, and they'd been coming quite regularly all evening. I didn't realise then how long this first stage would take.

The night wore on as did the contractions. As one faded, Ali had a short break then another would start. With each one I reminded her of the relaxation exercises, and tried to help her keep the rhythm of the breathing patterns we'd been taught in the ante-natal classes. This was so that she would relax her muscles despite the pain, and allow her body to prepare for the expulsion of our baby in its most efficient way.

As each contraction finished I wiped her face with a cool damp cloth, and kissed her forehead. I told her that she was doing great, and how much I loved her. I helped her get into a more comfortable position and rubbed her back to give her relief. The nursing staff were in and out, and only a call away, but they were busy on the other side of a wash room where there was another woman in labour as well. It was going to be interesting to see who was first the nurses said. However the other mother was expecting twins we were told, so as she had two babies to deliver, so she might take longer. I wondered if it was Debbie from our child birth class. I was pleased to hear that they'd called in extra staff.

I know now why giving birth is called labour. It went on for hours and I was happy to sit down between contractions. Ali was happy to sip some water occasionally or suck on an ice block, but other than that, everything was focused on one thing, to prepare Ali's body to push our baby out.

Every time Alison could feel another contraction coming I'd support her in a more comfortable position and we'd breathe through the contraction together, concentrating on the breathing, rather than the involuntary things her body was doing. There was nothing she could do but let her body take her forward towards the goal.

I watched the first traces of dawn paint thin fingers of light on the dark mountains in the distance. Gradually after a few more
contractions it seemed to be getting lighter as a new day dawned; our baby's birth day. Then we saw the first rays of actual sunlight strike them, and the clouds turned all pink, mauve and golden. To me this beautiful dawn was the promise of the dawning of a new life that would emerge and join us this spring day. I prayed silently that God would look after us and that Alison would be delivered of our baby before much longer.

Soon cars started appear on the roads, totally oblivious of the miracle that was occurring in this room. At 8.30am I felt as if we'd being going all day. The nurse suggested I duck out and get a coffee and some toast, while she stayed with Ali. I was very quick, but took the opportunity to let Rick know how things were. He promised to ring Geoff and Lorraine and let them know. Lisa had asked Rick to phone through to her school if there was any news, and I agreed he could do that if we had news.

By midmorning things started to move more quickly and intensely. When Ali's doctor called in to check how she was progressing, he stayed. This told me that things were finally happening. Ali suddenly became cranky and impatient. When I rubbed her back it wasn't in the right place. She didn't want her face wiped and no matter what position she was in, it wasn't right. It was as if she was fed up with the whole process, We'd been warned of this stage in our class, but when it was actually happening I found it very confusing. I kept telling myself that it meant that the actual birth was very near.

"I want to push", Ali suddenly blurted out.
"Hold just a minute," she was told firmly.
"Remember sweetheart, pant," I reminded her.
I found myself automatically demonstrating how we'd been taught to breath when she was instructed not to push, while the doctor checked to see if she ready to push. Anyone not involved in this drama would've been highly amused at seeing all these people around Ali helping her to pant, so that she didn't start to push until her cervix was completely dilated. It was only a minute, but seemed much longer. Then when she thought she couldn't hold it any longer, she was told she could push.

Now the hard work really started. Every time there was a contraction, Ali pushed. Soon we could see the top of the baby's head; it was covered in dark brown hair, and with every contraction we could see more. Ali couldn't see of course so we gave her a running commentary as we supported her in an upright position so that she could bear down.

Suddenly the whole head was out. As I started to tell Ali, there was another contraction, and Stephanie turned and then the rest of her body just slipped out into the doctor's hands. I felt so excited but also fearful until our baby moved. Our little girl; so beautiful until suddenly her new environment registered. She turned all red, and her face screwed up and she was screaming in protest. We too were crying, but they were tears of joy and wonder at it all. She certainly has a strong set of lungs that were given a good workout there. Her cry was loud enough to wake up the dead.

The midwife lifted her up and placed her on Ali's stomach; then I was given the task of cutting the cord, the lifeline that had kept her nourished all that time. Once this had been severed she was on her own, a new individual in her own right.

Once Ali held her firmly against her skin, Stephanie calmed down. She opened her eyes and seemed to look at me. I was amazed how alert she was. After a few minutes she turn her eyes and looked at the lights at the side of the room. She seemed to be taking stock of this new environment she now found herself in.

While Ali was being given a wash, Stephanie was wrapped up and given to me to hold. I looked at her small button nose, her dark brown hair and big expressive eyes. I stroked her cheek and introduced myself as her Daddy and showed her where her mummy was. I held her tiny hand that curled over my one finger and kissed it. It was so soft. Once Ali was refreshed we were both given a cup of tea and left to get further acquainted with our new daughter. I felt so proud and yet at the same time very humble. We made sure that she had all ten fingers and toes, and I kissed each one, then I kissed Ali too, to make sure she didn't feel left out. It truly was the most amazing experience of my whole life, seeing Stephanie being born.

I took some photos, and one of the nurses took some of the three of us. Ali with damp hair and a shiny face glowing with excitement, Stephanie wrapped tightly in a rug, and me still in scrubs; our first family portrait.

It was a lovely peaceful time together, but soon my stomach told me (as did the nurse who said Ali's lunch was waiting for her in her room), that it needed sustenance. All I'd eaten since dinner the night before was some coffee and two slices of toast. I also remembered that there were a number of people sitting by their phones at home waiting for news.

Ali was starting to look tired, so when they were settled in their room, I kissed them both on their foreheads and left them to rest. I came home and made all the necessary phone calls, answering the same questions each time.

I was talking to an excited Lorraine when Rick called in. He made us some sandwiches and a pot of tea, and I told him all about it. He could see that I was almost dropping off, so he sent me to lie down for a while before the kids came home from school.

They must've been awfully quiet, because I didn't hear them come in. Just before 6, Rick woke me and told me he'd ordered some Pizzas. He suggested that if it was OK with me, we could take the kids down to visit Ali and see Stephanie, then he'd bring them all back home, while I could stay with Ali as long as I liked. It seemed an excellent plan and I was thankful to Rick for thinking of it. By the time I'd had a shower, the Pizzas had arrived and everyone was eating as quickly as they could so we could leave.

Rick was terrific. All the kids got to hold Stephanie and give her some little presents they'd made, as well as a big bunch of flowers for Alison that Lisa and Rachel had organised. Rick then ushered them all out as Lorraine and Geoff arrived. They are thrilled with their first grandchild and said they'd spoken to John and Phyllis who were planning to visit Ali tomorrow.

It was hard to leave them and go home alone, but I knew I was tired. Thankfully I didn't have far to go. Rick had Jane ready for bed when I walked in, and he was reading to her. The boys had finished their homework and Lisa as usual was studying. I thanked him for all his help. I think he actually enjoyed being a stand-in parent today. He'd make a good father, but he's also an excellent priest too, so he's not wasted.

I've written all this down and now I'm exhausted. I don't think I'll have any trouble sleeping tonight.

Tues. 7 Sept

I didn't set an alarm last night, but I didn't need one. At 7am I could hear Jason calling out to Lisa to hurry up in the bathroom, and the stomping of more feet above. No rest for the wicked. I called out to Jason, telling him to use my bathroom. Jane has become quite independent since coming here. I was pleased to see that she'd dressed herself in her uniform and was already pouring milk on her cereal. Lisa offered to do her hair again. She instructed Jane to bring her brush and elastics to her room when she was ready.

Ten minutes later Jane emerged looking very pleased with herself and asked my opinion. Even that is progress. I told her she looked very grown up, and that must have been what she wanted to hear as she swirled around and went upstairs to collect her bag. I think this sort of thing will do wonders for her self esteem. I praised Lisa later and I think she was pleased too. She said that she enjoyed having a little sister, after having been an only child.

Damian can be a bit of a dreamer, so he needs constant reminders to keep moving or he'll be late. However, by 8.30 Jason had lunches ready and by 8.45 they were all gone. I quickly cleared the table and stacked the dishes then returned to the hospital.

By the time I arrived, Ali had been awake for 4 hours, so she was already enjoying a morning cuppa. She said it was great being able to drink coffee again. She looked bright and perky and very beautiful. Stephanie was fast asleep in the small cot at the foot of Ali's bed, so it gave us a chance to talk.

Ali showed me a pile of cards and a number a bouquets of flowers that had been delivered. There was a gigantic one from her
colleagues at school, and one from Geoff and Lorraine, so I was glad I'd chosen something more personal and long lasting to give her. A few weeks ago I'd seen a small gold pendant on a fine chain. It depicted a mother with a baby in her arms. It was very modern, and the whole design was inside a simple oval shape, but the subject was obvious. I'd liked it from the first moment it had caught my eye. I'd bought it then, and yesterday I'd had it engraved with the words: "I Love You, Thank You. Peter 6.9.99," I think she liked it; there were tears in her eyes when I gave it to her.

There were pink ribbons everywhere, so there was no doubt that we'd had a daughter. I told Ali about the phone calls I'd received and some of flowers that had been delivered to the house. As we talked Stephanie started to stir. Then within a minute, I couldn't believe how suddenly it happened, there was an almighty squawk and a deafening cry.

A nurse came hurrying in to see what the commotion was. She declared that in twenty years of nursing, our daughter had the
strongest pair of lungs she'd ever come across in a new baby. There's no doubt that Stephanie will have no trouble alerting her parents (and the whole household), when she wants something. The only thing that settled her was when Ali wrapped her up tightly and let her suck for awhile. Then she eventually did go back to sleep.

By late afternoon Ali's room was full of visitors again. Rick had kindly met the kids again and brought them in. He'd promised them a feed at McDonalds afterwards.

Sarah and David also called in, and were very excited with our news. Sarah declared that seeing Stephanie (looking angelic in her sleep at that time) nearly made her want one of her own. David suggested I call Sarah in the middle of the night if Stephie is ever difficult then. He said that would soon cure Sarah, as she doesn't like to be woken up in the middle of her sleep.

Ali's room is starting to look like a florists shop, and that is after I brought a few bunches of them back here. She looked tired after all the visitors left, so I kissed both of them and headed home to the chaos that only a family of four teenagers could create. By 10 O'clock I was ready for bed too.

Wed. 8 Sept

As soon as I stepped into Ali's room this morning I knew something was wrong. She kept insisting it was nothing, but I knew there was something bothering her. When I tackled the sister about it, she said it was nothing to worry about, and that 80% of new mothers go through a 'baby blues' day. When I went back and suggested to Ali that it was just her hormones she burst into tears and sobbed in my arms. She said there was nothing wrong but she just couldn't stop crying about little things. What had triggered it was that one of the nurses had observed that Stephanie was a little jaundiced and had recommended that she be put under a UV lamp for a little while. The nurse assured us it was quite common, and in Stephie's case it was only very mild, and that Stephie was just fine.

I decided that what Alison needed was to be distracted from thinking about Stephie, so I started to tell her about how Jane ended up going to school with two different coloured socks yesterday. I assured her that Jane's long hair was well brushed and braided by Lisa. Also, Damian had asked Jason to make him a sultana and peanut butter sandwich for lunch this morning. I soon had her laughing and looking happier until the nurse came to collect Stephie for her session under the lamp. However Ali was much happier when we followed them down the corridor and saw two other babies enjoying the same treatment.

Ali was pleased to hear that the boys had made a mobile for Stephanie out of bits and pieces that they hung from a coat hanger. Also Lisa had found the pink ribbons Alison had bought and put them around the nursery as Ali had planned, so that it now looked very much like a little girl's room.

We were told that Alison and Stephie would be discharged from the hospital on Friday morning. I told Ali that Phyllis and John had offered to have both Damian and Jane for the weekend and that they were keen to go as long as they could see Ali and Steph before they left.
"It might work out very well", I pointed out to her. "They can see you when they come home from school, and collect what they need for the weekend, and I can ask John to pick them up at 5 or 6". Ali agreed this was a good arrangement.

Thurs. 9 Sept

The hospital has a policy of encouraging new parents to go out together without their new baby on the last evening before they take their baby home. So that's what we did tonight.

It had been an exhausting day for both of us. Stephanie was difficult all day. She screamed through her bath, and now that Ali's milk has come in, she sucked for awhile then refused to drink anymore. That means that Ali was sore and very uncomfortable as her breasts felt like two hard gigantic rocks. Before she could go out she had to try to manually express some milk to relieve the pressure. Luckily the clothes I brought for Ali to wear tonight included a very stretchy top. I told her that she looked very sexy with a magnificent cleavage. Ali declared that she'd rather have no cleavage and less milk.

Surprisingly, we didn't have that great a time. The food was fine and the music very pleasant, but all the time Alison was wondering about Stephanie. We were only away for about an hour and a half but neither of us could relax with Ali worrying that Stephie might be screaming again.

Is it always going to be like this in the future? By 8.30pm Ali was settled back in her room with Stephie still asleep next to her. The whole time we'd been away she hadn't stirred. Tomorrow morning I'll be bringing them both home. I can't wait for us all to be together, but I'm also very nervous about us being on our own. I want to be a good father, but babies don't come with instruction manuals. It's a whole new experience and lifestyle change ahead of us now I think.