Fifteen Alternative Endings
by Helen
1.THE ROMEO AND JULIET ENDING
Two faiths, both alike in dignity
In fair Ballykissangel, we lay our scene
From ancient beliefs breaks new mutiny
Were new blood makes old hands unclean
From forth the fatal doctrine of these two foes
A pair of star crossed lovers take their life
Whose misadventured piteous overthrows
Doth with their death bury the church's strife
The fearful passage of their death-marked love
And the continuance of Fr Mac & Kathleen's rage-
Which even Peter & Assumpta's end, naught could remove-
Is now the three years traffic of our stage
That which if you with patient ears attend,
What here shall miss, our toll shall strive to mend.And now in English:
Entwined in a love so great, Peter and Assumpta cease to fight the urge to be together. Enraged by this forbidden love and the scandal it will create, Fr Mac banishes Peter back to England. Unable to live without him, Assumpta decides she will follow him to the ends of the earth if necessary. However, at the food fair she receives a nasty shock while fixing a faulty fuse. Unbeknownst to anyone, Peter had not left Ballykissangel, but was waiting for Assumpta in the basement of the pub. He witnessed her shocking demise.
A grief stricken Peter sobs, "Eyes look your last. Arms take your last embrace, and lips, O you the doors of breath, seal with a righteous kiss, a dateless bargain to engrossing death." He kisses Assumpta, then sticks his finger in the fuse. "Here's to my love."
Assumpta stirs (she was only mostly dead, there's a very big difference between mostly dead and all dead), and sees Peter lying before her. There is a murmuring in the pub above.
Assumpta: "Yea, noise? Then I'll be brief." She takes a conveniently placed carving knife, and proclaims, "Oh happy carving knife, this is thy sheath! There rust, and let me die." She stabs herself, falls, and dies.
Fr Mac and some of the others enter from above, aghast at the gruesome scene. Fr Mac is clutching a letter which details a doctrine just approved by the Pope, which allows Catholic priests to marry.
For never was there a love as sad or sweeter
Than this of Assumpta and Peter.2.THE CRYING GAME ENDING
Peter and Assumpta's relationship progresses, however Peter becomes suspicious when in a nervous moment he reminds Assumpta, "I've never been with a woman before", and Assumpta responds, "I have!" I won't recount the twist in the plot of The Crying Game, but needless to say, this type of revelation would certainly add a new dimension to the forbidden love of Peter & Assumpta. More than the Ballykissangel community can tolerate???3.THE TWILIGHT ZONE ENDING
Peter, distraught by Assumpta's death and the complete injustice of the world, realises that he must indeed be in the Twilight Zone (Reference "Trying to Connect to You" Peter: Where am I Assumpta? The Twilight Zone?). After all, no real world could possibly be so cruel as to have a Catholic priest fall in love with a woman who can't stand the church, only to have her marry another, have him kicked out of his home, unintentionally induce a heart attack in his "boss" (and enemy?), have his mother die, have his beloved killed only hours after finally confessing his feelings for her, and then have him beaten up by the husband, given an ultimatum about his vocation, and then have him set off ALONE on a journey to who knows where? Surely no real world could be so heartless and unmerciful? Surely? Must be the Twilight Zone!?4.THE BRADY BUNCH ENDING
Peter, totally smitten with Assumpta (she's one far out groovy chick), has a big problem on his hands. It's wrong for a priest to be in love with a woman he thinks. Rather than deal with this alone, he decides to ask the helpful villagers just what to do about this quandary he's in. After all, alone you can only fill buckets, but together you can drain rivers! Fr Mac tells Peter, "Everything will work out just swell." Everyone else agrees, "Fr Mac's right!" So they all go off to enjoy a potato sack race on the astro-turf lawn at Quigley's place (why Niamh insists on mowing it is a mystery). Meanwhile, while on a surfing holiday in Hawaii, Assumpta is bitten by a huge deadly spider, because she lost her good luck Tiki doll in the ocean. She dies.5.THE SEINFELD ENDING
Padraig goes down to fix the electrical fault (as some seemed determined that he would be the unlucky soul) and dies. Assumpta goes to gaol for neglecting her Care of Duty, and Peter becomes the prison chaplain.6.THE DYNASTY ENDING
At Peter & Assumpta's wedding, a crazed gunman (i.e. Leo, the poor guy didn't even get the dog), charges in shooting everything in sight. We are left wondering who will survive.7.THE NORTHERN EXPOSURE ENDING
Assumpta & Peter get together, decide it's not going to work, Assumpta loses the plot, goes on a wilderness adventure, a new couple come to town to run Fitzgeralds and try hard to fit in but we all know they never will. Assumpta decides to return to Dublin, asks Peter to go with her, he declines, and the show gets axed!8.THE SOUTH PARK ENDING
Quigley's latest venture is a hunting trail. One of his vigilante tourists mistakes Assumpta for a rare duck-billed platypus and shoots her. Peter cries, "Oh my God, they've killed Assumpta!" The rest of the village responds, "You bastards!" Of course, she is then dragged off by rats and returns in the next episode alive and well.9.THE JANE AUSTEN ENDING
Peter & Assumpta marry and politely hold hands as their carriage draws away from the church.10.THE MELROSE PLACE ENDING
In an incensed state, spurred by her holier-than-thou, moral, judgment-passing rage, Kathleen plants a bomb under Fitzgeralds, blowing it sky high killing Assumpta and Peter. In a bizarre ruling the court decides part of her rehabilitation should be to go back and live among those she tried to kill (while wearing a wig which hides a great scar she got in a car accident with Father Mac, whose sheep hitting days go way back).11.THE MOONLIGHTING ENDING
Assumpta discovers she's pregnant but doesn't know if the father is Peter or Leo. After much to-ing and fro-ing and indecision, the producers finally realise no one really cares anymore, (we only wanted to see her with Peter), move the show to a late night time slot to fizzle out with a lot of whimper and not much bang.12.THE FULL MONTY ENDING
We're not even going to touch that one!13.THE X-FILES ENDING
After finally admitting their feelings for each other, Assumpta discovers that indeed she has been the victim of a conspiracy that goes right to the heart of the Catholic church. Peter & Fr Mac were working together to take over all BallyK's major businesses - Peter on Fitzgeralds, Fr Mac on Hendleys, and Quigley was basically working against himself (helped along by staunch Catholics Liam and Donal). Padraig, as we know, went to fix the electrical fault and was killed conveniently, so his garage is no problem. Catholic domination of the world. Trust no one!14.THE DAYS OF OUR LIVES ENDING
1. Assumpta goes upstairs at Fitzgeralds and just doesn't come back down again.
2. A new actress arrives, the words "the part of Assumpta Fitzgerald will now be played by Brigitte Neilson" appear across the bottom of the screen, and no one in the town seems to notice that Assumpta is now a six foot blond.15.THE PULP FICTION ENDING
While the locals are gathered drinking at Fitzgeralds, two suave, bible-quoting gunmen, storm the joint, swear A LOT, and blow people's brains out. As he drives away on his chopper (not a helicopter as my Mum thinks - a motorcycle), Peter can't help but be impressed by the gunmen's knowledge of Ezekiel. We then return to the beginning of the story to find out the gunmen were out to get Siobhan who fixed a dog race so Roxy's Cracker would lose, hence losing the gunmen's boss a truckload of dough. The series ends with us all pondering what the hell that was all about.