I've not been back since Kieran's christening. I don't even know if I'm still welcome. How do I feel? I don't know. Scared, terrified even. I'm scared no-one will want to know me. But I'm even more terrified that it will be too much - that everywhere I go I'll see Assumpta, that the memories will be too much
"Peter! When did you get here?" Brendan asked from the aisle behind
him.
"I came on the bus, I just got here, I wanted to say goodbye to Assumpta
properly," Peter answered the teacher's question, tears running freely
down his face.
Vincent discreetly left the two men alone while Brendan grabbed Peter
in a bear hug and held him as he sobbed into his shoulder.
This was not the reaction that Peter was expecting having walked out
of BallyK without a backward glance and this caused him to sob even harder.
Brendan just held him until Peter whispered, "I'm sorry, I didn't think
it would hurt this much coming back, I don't think you would want to know
me, especially after the way I left."
"You should have stayed and let is help you, we know you loved her."
Peter looked at Brendan in surprise. "Yeah I did, I still do. You know
Niamh told me before I left I should fight my demons amongst my friends.
Maybe I should start now."
Brendan smiled. "She was right, do you fancy a drink?"
"In Fitzgerald's?"
"If you're up to it and the others will be there, they'd all love to
see you again you know."
"I..I..I..Maybe...I..." Peter stammered before deciding that he'd have
to go to the pub sometime and maybe it would be better to get it over with
sooner rather than later. "OK, yeah, That would be good," Peter replied
as they slowly walked out of the church together, Brendan happily informing
Peter of the events of the last three years, of Kieran, the bright three
year old that Peter had christened just before leaving, of Aisling, his
daughter, who he and Siobhan adored, of Ambrose's death, and of Quigley's
schemes, and of his disappearance and apparent suicide.
Peter listened, lost in his own thoughts as Brendan chatted n the way
to his house. Finally Brendan had exhausted all the news and gossip except
one important piece which in his infinite wisdom her thought he'd leave
till later.
"So what have you been up to since leaving good old BallyK?" Brendan
finally asked Peter.
"Well after leaving BallyK I hitched a ride to Dublin and got the ferry
back to Manchester to see my old Parish Priest. he tried to help, but I
think I was beyond it by then, I was so consumed by my own grief that I
wouldn't let anyone else in. I got a job with Catholic War Relief. I have
just been given some leave and figured it was about time to face the past,
I can't run forever, as much as I want to." Peter replied, briefly filling
Brendan in on the main events of the last three years.
With this they had arrived at Brendan's and he showed Peter to his
spare room and left him to unpack. Wondering all the while on how to fill
him in on the missing pieces if the last three years he had not yet told
him.
Peter entered Brendan's spare bedroom and started to empty the contents
of his rucksack. He folded it neatly and placed it in a pile in the corner
of the room. His bag didn't contain much, some underwear and socks, two
pairs of jeans, a couple of T-shirts, a sweatshirt and his favourite woollen
jumper. He surveyed the small pile and laughed quietly to himself. People
always commented on how little he packed but he supposed it was a throwback
to his days as a Priest... he didn't need much then and now working for
Catholic War Relief he only took what he could carry in a backpack. Made
it easier to move around.
Peter retrieved the diary from its place at the bottom of the rucksack
and making himself comfortable on the bed started to write.
I got here ok, the bus ride was so familiar it was like coming home, except I wasn't coming home to anyone, Assumpta's not here, she's gone. The same old sights and smells greeted me when I got here, even down to the 'Fitzgerald's' sign above the door. God I miss her, I still see her standing behind the bar with that look that dares you to argue with her. Brendan's invited me down there for a drink tonight, but I don't know if I can bear it. Knowing that the last time I saw Assumpta there.....that the last thing I said to her when she was alive was, "I love you". I remember her reply like it was yesterday "Would you take that thing off before you say things like that!". .she was referring to my dog collar!, I'd forgotten I was wearing it I was so punch drunk on love...with her. The thing is though, going there, I'll have to face the fact she was right, "You'll come anyway.....knowing you aren't wanted," and I did, I knelt in that cellar giving her the Last Rites, even though I knew she didn't want it, knowing she'd hate me for it if she was alive to see it. I can kid myself and say I did it for her, but deep down I know the truth, I did it for me, I needed to know.... Niamh told me to fight my demons amongst my friends, but she doesn't know the demons I'm fighting. Your conscience is a hard demon to beat when you have no faith in yourself. Anyways, things here are better than I thought, I went to St Joseph's today and lit a candle for Assumpta. The Priest, Vincent Sheeahan, seems a good sort of guy, my kind of Priest, hmm....wonder if he has the same problems with father Mac? Brendan saw me and welcomed me with open arms, literally, so here I am on his spare bed. Anyway I'm exhausted, think I'll sleep for a while. The pub can wait, I'll face that demon later.
Brendan opened the door of Fitzgerald's to see his usual cohorts propping
up the bar. He grinned and, calling to Niamh, ordered his usual as he headed
towards them.
"What you grinning like a Cheshire cat for?" Siobhan asked as he took
his usual stool and paid Niamh for his drink.
Brendan didn't answer, just looked behind the bar and commented, "Her
ladyship's busy tonight," and carried on sipping his pint.
Padraig, Siobhan and Doc Ryan just looked at him bemused. Suddenly
Brendan jumped from his seat and followed Niamh into the kitchen. The three
just looked at each other wondering just what was going on.
Meanwhile in the kitchen Brendan just stood looking at Niamh. This
was going to be harder than he thought.
"Brendan, what going's on?"
Damn thought Brendan, I'm going to have to tell her now. "Peter's back,
he's asleep in my spare bed," Brendan blurted out before he could change
his mind.
"Oh Jes..." Niamh stopped short as the door opened and she and Brendan
turned to look at who had entered.
"Niamh, You look like you've seen a ghost, did somebody die?" said the
figure in the doorway.
"Uh...n..n...n.no," stammered Niamh and Brendan in stereo.
But before they could elaborate further Father Sheeahan entered the
pub and, spotting Brendan in the kitchen doorway, asked, "Is that fellow
Peter alright now? He seemed a little upset earlier."
Everyone turned to look at Brendan and as realisation dawned the figure
in the doorway bolted past Vincent and out in to the street.
"Oh Shite, he doesn't know." Brendan followed the figure now racing
up the road.
Everyone just looked at each other wondering what would happen next.
Doc Ryan looked at his companions. "I'd better get up there, Brendan
could need help with this one." And picking up his bag he walked out the
pub, Siobhan, Padraig and Niamh close on his heels as they realised the
implications of what was about to happen.
Back at Brendan's Peter was sleeping better than he had done for ages, but then with his feelings about Assumpta and the problems he'd been dealing with for the Catholic War Relief he'd not been sleeping that well lately.
He heard the door go and getting out of bed called, "Brendan?" After getting no response he headed out towards the living room, but as he entered the hallway he stopped dead in his tracks and just stared at the face before him. Before he could say or do anything Brendan and his 'entourage' charged in. Nobody said a word, they just stood and surveyed the scene in front of them, wondering what was going to happen next.
Peter seemed totally oblivious to everything except the person before him.
"I've died and gone to Heaven else this is one warped dream!" Peter exclaimed, trying to get his head around the fact that the woman he believed was dead was standing before him.
"Dream, Nightmare more like - Last Rites!! After everything we said," she replied.
This was all Peter needed and he covered the ground between them before anyone could say anything and placing a hand gently on her cheek, leant forward and softly kissed her.
"Feels real, tastes real" Peter whispered..."is this real?" he asked looking at Brendan for confirmation.
"Yes, I was going to tell you" Brendan replied.
"How? Why?" Peter asked, looking at Assumpta, who took Peter by the hand and slowly led him outside away from the audience she was acutely aware they had, but that Peter hardly seemed to register..
Padraig and Niamh went to follow, but Brendan, realising the two needed some space, held them back, knowing this was something they neded to sort together and alone.
"Come on, let's head to the pub, they'll join us when they are ready," he said, softly turning and leading the others out the door.
Peter and Assumpta slowly started walking towards the river, Peter clinging desperately to Assumpta's hand, scared that if he let go Assumpta would disappear and that he would wake up and it would all have been a dream. Neither said a word for a while terrified of the reaction of the other. Finally, Peter opened his mouth to speak but shut it again without saying a word.
"We tried to find you but you'd disappered off the face of the earth. Brendan spoke to your old priest who said you'd been and gone but had left no forwarding address." Assumpta started to tell Peter what had happened after he'd left.
"I'm sorry, I'd never have left but eveywhere I went I saw you, and you weren't there. You were dead, I left you in the mortuary," Peter replied quietly. "What happened? How?" Peter asked not quite understanding how she was alive when he'd watched her die.
The doctors don't know. Apparently my heart hadn't stopped, it had just slowed, it was almost non-existant, 'suspended animation' I think they called it. According to them my body shut itself down till it could cope. I still don't understand it properly, but I'm still here, that's all that matters," Assumpta explained.
"I'm sorry for giving you the Last Rites. Father Mac made me. And I'm sorry for leaving," Peter whispered, taking Assumpta in his arms and holdng her tight.
"Yeah, well you'll never get to heaven if you break my heart again," Assumpta responded, laughing.
Peter just looked at her, then he too started laughing. They stayed that way a while just holding each other and laughing at the situation they were in.
Finally Peter got his laughter under control and looking serious found the courage to ask, "Does that mean we....I mean.....Do you still...?"
Before he could find the words to ask what he really meant, Assumpta stopped him in his tracks. She leant over and, kissing him softly, told him, "Nothing's changed, I still love you. Anyway what have you been up to the last three years?"
Peter considered the question then answered softly, "After I left here I went to Manchester to see my old Parish Priest, but it didn't help. I was beyond it, I'd kind of lost the will and motivation for everything. Then an old friend suggested I go with him on a mission for Catholic War Relief. I think he thought the distance would help, but it didn't. So for the last three years I've been in Sarajevo rebuilding a couple of orphanges."
Assumpta looked at Peter and just hugged him. "We'd better head back, the others will be starting to worry," Assumpta whispered.
Peter took her hand and they headed back to Fitzgerald's as though they'd never been apart.
As they walked into the pub the change in atmosphere was noticable - Silence and all eyes on the pair. Assumpta was the first to make a move. "We're fine."
Brendan breathed a huge sigh of relief.
"Have you no homes to go to?" Assumpta asked the crowd in the bar, desperate to be alone with Peter.
Brendan looked at Siobhan and winked. "Does this mean I've lost my house guest?"
Assumpta glanced across at Peter and seeing the nervousnes and unease in his eyes took the matter out of his hands. "Do you want an open pub?" she asked Brendan, knowing full well the answer would be yes. "Cos if so, I suggest you take him home with you, else you'll never see us."
Peter looked at Assumpta and grinned with relief. He didn't need to say anything she could see the 'thank you' in his eyes.
With that everybody started to leave the pub. Brendan was the last to leave and looking at Peter said, "I'll leave the door open, don't be too late."
"Yes dad!" Peter laughed, locking the door behind Brendan.