It's been three days since he left. Not left, he died. I make it
sound like he's coming back. He's not. And all I've been thinking is that
it should have been me. I replay it in my mind all the time, and it's always
the same.
***
It was the evening before the food fair. Peter had been preparing his entry for days and tomorrow he could show everyone what he'd done. Earlier in the day there had been an... incident, I guess, at Niamh's house. Peter broke down and I reacted badly. He needed a shoulder to cry on, not me running out on him. I went to see him at home later that night. More arguing. It seems that's all we ever do. When he needs someone, I wind up saying something spiteful, and when I need someone, he gives me the same.
At Peter's house, our conversation got off to a rocky start.
"What are you playing at? What are you trying to do to me?" I screamed at him as I stood on the doorstep.
"Assumpta. Please." I think I frightened him.
"Oh, that's what it is. Are you worried about the neighbours now?" I came inside. "Well?" I said impatiently as he closed the door behind me.
"Well, what? What do you want me to say?" He was genuinely confused. I suppose he thought that after the thing at Niamh's house that I'd be overjoyed and fall straight in his arms.
"I want you... What do you want?" There was the impatience again. I wanted to know and I wanted to know now. I had waited long enough and I was through.
"It's not that simple."
"It is that simple."
"Not from where I'm standing."
"Oh, for God's sake, Peter, we have moved on."
"I'm a Catholic priest."
"Goes with the territory."
"Cheap shot."
"It's the truth." I was losing the battle with my emotions. I added calmly, "For you and me, it's the truth."
"Assumpta?"
"Yes?" Long Pause. I was tired. My biting wit returned. "You know what you're go and do now? You're gonna go and discuss this with a grown man in a frock, and you won't talk to me."
"I will. I just need to think."
"It's not what's in your head I need to hear. And I'm standing here until you make me move."
"That's all you're going to get until I can articulate what I'm feeling. If you'll remember, Assumpta, I've been a priest for quite a while, and I'm not used to these... sensations. Take it or leave it." He was through taking my abuse, and actually, I was sort of relieved. I couldn't go on saying the sort of things I said while I felt the opposite.
"Peter," I said as calmly as I could. "I want to talk this out like adults. We need to discuss a few things before we go on together." I made sure I emphasised that word. "You, at least, owe me that."
"Okay. Let's do this. I'm desperate for a change." And with that he grabbed me by the hand and led me upstairs.
I was a little afraid of what exactly was going to happen once we got up there, but I knew he was still a priest, and he wouldn't break his covenant with the Church. The look on my face must have been one of surprise and concern because when he turned and looked at me, he smiled and said, "I don't know what you think is going to happen here, Assumpta, but it's probably wrong."
I smiled an embarrassed smile and looked away.
He sat down on the edge of the bed. "Well, I'm here and I'm listening. Start talking." He folded his arms across his chest and cocked his head, as if to hear better.
"Peter...I love you. And I think you know that. I may have not been
the best at showing it, but it's true. I'm falling even more in love with
you. Now, I never meant to do you wrong. That's
what I came here to say. If I was wrong, then I'm sorry. And don't
let it stand in our way. 'Cos my head just aches when I think of the things
that I shouldn't have done. But life is for living, we all know. And I
don't want to live it alone. I... I... I..." And here I let the tears flow.
Huge tears fell down my face and I suddenly didn't care. I turned away
from him as I started shaking.
Peter stood up and put his hand on my shoulder. I don't know how long it was there, but I was afraid to ask. I just cried and cried.
Finally, my sobs tapered off and I could speak again. "So much for keeping this on an adult level."
Peter gave me that compassionate smile of his and said, "Whoever said big girls don't cry?"
"Frankie Valli." And we both grinned at that.
He put his arm around my shoulders and moved me towards the bed. We sat on the edge and he wiped the last tears from my face. He took my hand. "You're shivering."
"I know. I'm cold."
"Let me get you a sweater." And he got up to do just that.
I found myself wanting to protest, but I thought better of it. He found a suitable one and handed it to me.
"I've had that sweater since seminary. My mum bought it for me just in case I got cold on my way there."
I pulled it over my head. It smelled like him. I can't describe it, but it was distinctly Peter. It was a bit too big, the sleeves were too long, and it was a bit out of shape, but it worked. You could tell it was a favourite of his.
Peter stood in the middle of the room and looked at me. I couldn't meet his eyes so I just stared straight ahead. For some reason, I couldn't bring myself to talk about feelings anymore. But, I pressed on.
"So, it's your turn. What's going on in the curate's head?"
He sighed and rubbed his eyes. He was tired from cooking all day. He really took this food fair seriously. He sighed again. "I love you too, Assumpta. I always have. I didn't know exactly to express it, but I'm confident now. What I did today at Niamh's house today was inappropriate, but I'm glad it happened. It was a much needed catalyst." He paused. "It helped me make a decision that's been coming for a long time." He walked over to me and took my face in his hands. I was hanging by a moment. "I'm leaving the priesthood."
I couldn't hide my smile. He smiled too. I stood up and hugged him. To my surprise he hugged me back.
He pulled away and held me at arm's length. "I've got good news."
What could be better than that? I looked into his eyes. "What's that?"
"After you left Niamh's, I got on the phone to Father Mac. I told him that I wanted to leave the priesthood. He asked me why and I told him just what I felt. He's started the paperwork and all I have to do is sign on the dotted line tomorrow morning and I'm officially unemployed."
Tears again. "Really?"
He grinned. "Yes. Really." And he hugged me tightly.
We talked well into the night. When I left, I still had his sweater on. I decided to return it at the food fair.
---
The next morning I was wiping down the bar when he came in. I smiled at him and said, "How'd it go?"
"I'm on the market," he said with his boyish grin.
I could have jumped over the bar and kissed him. Instead I walked around it, but I did kiss him. It was just as I imagined: warm, sweet, and fulfilling. He was a bit surprised, but certainly not disappointed. He just held me to his chest. And I liked it more than just about anything he could have done at that moment.
"Would you like to go on a walk with me?" he asked.
"Sure, just let me grab a sweater," I said. I went to the kitchen and grabbed his sweater. And off we went.
We walked along the River Angel. We stayed silent for most of the way, but I ended the silence. "So what does it feel like to not be a priest anymore?"
He thought for a minute. "It's a bit strange, but I think I can get used to it."
I looked at him. "You're going to have to!" He looked back at me.
"You know, Assumpta, you're the only one, besides Father Mac, that is, who knows, so if you could keep it quiet until I find a suitable way to tell everyone, I'd appreciate it."
"Sure thing." The smile crept back onto my face.
He took my hand and we continued to walk along the river bank. Finally I could enjoy this letting go of all I held onto.
---
It was time for the food fair to begin. Everything had gone perfectly so far. The entries were all in and they were being judged. I was busy behind the bar most of the night and I didn't have time to chat with Peter. But he made time to chat with me. I walked over to him at the end of the bar. I leaned in closer.
"I love you," he had said.
"Would you take that thing off before you say things like that," I joked.
"I can't help it."
"I know," I grinned.
Then the lights flickered and went out. I offered to go and fix it, but Peter interjected. "No, I'll go." And he disappeared into the cellar. I followed him.
"Peter?" I said through the dark.
"I'm right here," he said as the lights went back on. He turned to face me and it all went down from there.
Sparks flew from the box and the lights went out with a bang. Peter fell to the ground. I screamed. People rushed downstairs. I stood shaking in the corner. I couldn't watch. I don't even know what happened to him after that. Niamh led me upstairs away from Peter's lifeless body. I didn't cry. I couldn't speak. I just stared straight ahead.
---
That's the last thing I remember about that night. I don't know if I want to remember anything. It was the worst possible thing that could have happened. I woke up the next morning with the worst headache of my life. I stumbled downstairs and found the place had been cleaned up. I went into the kitchen to make some coffee only to find Niamh sitting at the table with Kieran. She saw me standing there and she began to cry. It was at this point that I let go of the vain hope I had that Peter had somehow survived after I left. Futile as it may have been, it made me feel a bit better. I moved to the table and sat down across from her.
"I notified his family in Manchester. They're on their way here as we speak."
"Thanks, Niamh. I don't think I could have made that call." I wiped away my tears. "You're a good friend."
"So are you."
"He really meant a lot to me," I said. I was looking at Kieran. I couldn't look her in the eye.
She nodded. "I know."
"I don't think you do," I said, still looking at Kieran.
"Assumpta?" She looked puzzled.
I looked up at her. I had no reason to keep it a secret anymore. I was closer to where I started while chasing after him. "Did you know he wasn't a priest when he died?" The anger rose to my throat. It threatened to break free. "He'd signed the paper that morning. He was just dressed in his uniform to quell suspicion. We had plans to be together." My hands were shaking. I had to say this. I needed the closure. "WE WERE GOING TO GET MARRIED!" I stopped. I brought my shaky hands to my face and sobbed. Kieran began to whimper. And Niamh just got up and left. I don't blame her. She's got her own life.
I went upstairs and got dressed. I wasn't sure what I was going to do, but I needed to be alone while I did it.
---
I decided to go for a walk to clear my head. I wound up walking towards
Peter's house. I went in. I just stood in the middle of his living room.
I wanted to memorise every detail. I don't know how long I was there. I
took a deep breath and went upstairs. I looked at his bed. It was meticulously
made. I smiled at that. It was so like him. I looked at his nightstand.
There was an envelope with my name on it. I picked it up and opened it.
Inside was a letter. It was a love letter.
I clutched it to my chest and ran downstairs and out the door. I
ran all the way home. I unlocked my door and ran to my room. I wasn't going
to open the bar today. I don't think I could face everyone just yet. I
sat on my bed and screamed. I grabbed Peter's sweater and held it tightly
to my chest as I lay down on the bed. I curled up with it and went to sleep.
I slept through to the next morning.
When I woke up, I went straight to my desk. Today is Peter's funeral. It was at noon, and it was only ten till eight. I had plenty of time to get ready. But there was one thing I had to do. I took out a piece of paper and a pen and I wrote Peter a letter. I needed closure and this was to be a start.
***
And as for his sweater... Did I take it like a thief, or just carelessly?